14 year old daughter self-harming

[Luula]

@Chauny it must have been such a great moment to see your daughter laughing. Although she didn't cope staying with your mum for too long, it sounds like it might have helped a little. Have you thought about suggesting some other short visits with your mum? Maybe if your daughter knows up front that it will only be an hour or 90 mins, she might find it easier to cope with.

@Lizzy it sounds like you're having a bit of a stressful day, which is definitely to be expected. It's so hard to switch the worrying off and I think we'd be hard pressed to find a parent on here that knows how. I remember reading in another thread @waldo_pepper posted about trying to have relaxed, regular chats with his daughter about light everyday things in the hope that she'll then be open to talk about the more serious things when it's necessary. Does she still talk to you about the not-so-serious stuff?

[mumlittlehelper]

@Lizzy Dear Lizzy,  it sounds like you have done really well taking a step back and giving your daughter space I'm so proud of you!  You say she has been on much more of an even keel! Wow that's fantastic you should celebrate!  

Now she is going away for 2weeks it's normal to worry,you say there is a great team of people around her, can you trust that they will keep her safe? It is fantastic that she has things to look forward to!  Keep focusing on all those good thoughts!

If you feel she can't talk to you that's ok, is there anyone else she can talk to?   Now I'm sure admin won't like me saying this but I completed an amazing coaching class which lasted over a year.  So when I was a trainee I had a new client emailed to me who I coached 3 or 4 times for free.  I did not realise at first that she was only 15.  Anyhow, I can't disclose to much as it is confidential, but to say her relationship with her mum and some of her friends was not good, she was quite depressed.  By the time I had finished with her, she had made so many great changes in her thinking and feeling.  She was really happy and getting on with her mum, she got into some exciting things that she did not feel were possible and started having a great relationship withher friends,  so I'm suggesting that this may be a good option for your daughter.  It's totally free.  As the coaching is on her terms, it's not like counselling that requires a lot of talking about the past, although a little usually helps.  The people who I talk to are all amazed at how good they feel after a session. I'm not sure how you mention it too her though!  Also I highly recommend you look into it as it is great thing for you to do for yourself!  

[Luula]

Hey @mumlittlehelper, love the idea behind this and agree that speaking to someone that she trusts could be helpful but just a reminder to keep it all anonymous on the forums. Please don't reveal any personal info or arrange to contact or be contacted by another member.  I hope you don't mind that I edited your post slightly to adhere to our community guidelines. I really enjoy reading all the kind and supportive contributions you've been making to the Forums, we love having you here. 

[Chauny]

@Lizzy Again, you are doing an amazing job! From what I hear the worry that parents have for their kids never goes away even when they are adults! I feel for you as the worry can takes its toll and run you down. I believe this trip will be what you need as much as your daughter. You have done all the right things making sure she has a great network of people around her. Maybe you can use this time to recharge.
I have learnt that the anger that kids have has nothing to do with you, it's nothing you have done but they take it out on you because you are their safe place.
I use to hate people telling me "you'll get through it", they don't live this nightmare. But as each day ends, you got through it!
Just remember you are doing an amazing job supporting her!

[Lizzy]

As I suspected, she's self harming again.  I think she's moved on to her torso and she's quite secretive and not herself.  I am so worried.  I am talking to my own counsellor/ coach who is trying to help me stay focussed and healthy but everytime my daughter falls over, so do I.  I've just spent an hour and a half at work and I've done one thing.  The rest of the time I'm thinking and worrying, checking my emails, crying.  I'm really not coping very well and I just feel so alone.  Even my partner said that I am worrying myself into a stupor to which I took offence.  This morning she pretended she'd eaten breakfast by putting crumbs from the toaster on a plate.  I knew she hadn't eaten and she lied right to may face which she does a lot.  She's very good at masking things. I told her that I knew she hadn't eaten and that I would make her some toast and hot chocolate.  She ate the toast and had a little bit of hot chocolate.  My family is falling apart too because my two sons are struggling with keeping hands to themselves and controlling their actions and my youngest is feeling really sad.  I just want a fairy to come in and wave a magic wand and make everything ok.  At least my youngest is talking to me about his feelings.  OK - I'd better get back to work.  Thanks for listening.

[ElleBelle]

That must have been a gut-wrenching discovery, @Lizzy. How are you feeling at the moment? Would your boss mind if you took a personal day to collect your thoughts?

It really sounds like you've been doing the right things - letting her know you're there for her, spending time together, accessing professional support. It's a sad reality that it takes time to recover from self-harm and learn new, healthier coping behaviours. Relapses are common and normal. I don't imagine this is a soothing thought for you right now though. Please know that we're always here to listen and you have our full support.

[Lizzy]

Thank you I feel better this afternoon and that's partly because of this forum. You are all so great! As for work-it's our business and I work on my own which is good as I can cry a lot but bad as I need distraction so I'm doing my best for the 3 days I have to work and try to keep busy on my days off. Fingers crossed she's ok when I pick her up today.

[Mitzi]

I know I'm often quite blunt so apologies if I say something wrong.

Your daughter is walking all over you @Lizzy. She wants to be grownup, defiant, secretive and self-destructive - but she is 14! I think I would try to give her a big bear hug every day and say "you can talk to me. I love you and always will". Do it every day. Even when she is driving you crazy.

I would let her know the effect her behaviour is having on the rest of the family; make her understand how she is hurting the people who love her. Not in an accusing way - just stating the facts. I think it would be good for you two to do something hands-on and useful together: knitting, gardening, baking a cake etc. Stop tip-toeing around her and give her some more of "my house, my rules" because honestly I think she needs someone to shout "Enough! Let's work this out."

[Kalis]

@Lizzy Reading your posts it is so clear how hard you are trying and how hard it is for you every day. There is no point telling you not to worry, that will naturally happen, but it is important to focus on the things that you can change and the way in which you can change them.

Having time alone, at work or home, can certainly lead to ruminating but I'd encourage you to take the time to look after yourself and your own mental wellbeing. You're already supporting your daughter and letting her know you're there for her.

I commend you also on your decision to stop 'snooping, assuming and prying'. This must have been a hard decision for you, but your daughter will notice the difference in your new approach of listening, observing and giving her space. No doubt it will feel hard to stick to this new approach at times but rest assured you can create that environment of trust and openness. There's some helpful tips on creating and negotiating boundaries with your teen in this article. I hope you find it useful and wish you well.

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @Lizzy

How's it going? Things were really difficult a couple of weeks ago, did they get any better?

Did your fairy come and wave that wand?