15 year old daughter, aggressive and violent

[enorman]

My daughter is extremely aggressive. She purchased a ticket to a Halloween event on the weekend right when her dance classes are on. The concert is 4 weeks away. We told her she couldn't go throughout the week and I thought we had an agreement however when I again advised her she couldn't go she spent the next 6 hours screeing at us, throwing everything she gets her hands in and kicking me and hitting whoever she can get to. She also went in our room and bathroom and reeked havoc pulling out chargers, hiding shoes etc. Her default action is to physically lash out and swear at us. I don't know what to do and where to turn for help. She has no boundaries and says she doesn't have to do anything we say. She is not taking drugs these behaviours have been getting increasingly worse over the last few years

[Bre-RO]

Hey there, @enorman thank you for sharing this with us. 

I can imagine how challenging it must be to find ways to approach your daughter with a boundary, and I know you are not alone with that.

We've heard from many parents sharing very similar concerns, and hopefully, the community can share their experiences/tips with you. We actually have some articles on boundaries and teenagers, I thought this one might be helpful to read. 

Can I ask if you are well supported at the moment? If you feel like you'd benefit from chatting with a counsellor or parent support service please let us know and we'll send you some resources. 

[enorman]

Thank you for your fast response. I will read through it and share with my partner to hopefully get on the same page.
We don't have much support. I would like to get some conflict management counseling or training to help us when the inevitable conflicts occur and stop them getting out of control but I am not sure where to look

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @enorman, thanks for sharing. Please feel free to let us know if you and your partner find anything particularly helpful. We'd like to support you as best as we can. You might be eligible for our one-on-one coaching program, if you're looking for some extra support. There is also the Ngala Parenting Line which you can call for advice and support. They also have resources which may be of some use to you. We are also wondering if you have thought of talking to a psychologist before? All the best

[Jaine40]

Hi honey,
I have a 16 year old daughter. One of 4, I pride myself on my childrens behaviour, but my 16 yr old I’m growing increasingly concerned about. She has been aggressive and verbally abusive throughout the last year. She tells me what she’s doing not the other way around. She’s threatened to leave, her dr and I have discussed bi-polar disorder as my other children don’t show any signs of this behaviour. I feel like a failure and more so when I loose basic parental rights to protect her. I found that around her monthly period for two weeks prior she becomes a different person she has waves of happy go lucky then within seconds she’s changed she’s verbally abusive, sometimes physical. Only with me. I tried to get her into a psychiatrist got the appointment but I had to reschedule spoke with the dr he was going to organise another app but never did.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I’m searching for them myself. It’s a very isolating feeling going through this, I really do understand.
If anyone has any insight I’d also love some feedback.
Thank you

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Jaine40 , 

I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so tough with your daughter, it must be so distressing to see her behaviour change in this way over the last year. It's great that you've got the support of her doctor- it does sounds like it might be helpful to get some professional advice about her behaviour. 

Headspace might be another option that could be helpful for you, they offer free mental health support for young people in their face to face centres, as well as online or phone counselling. 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with three other kids as well- as you say, it can be so isolating when your young person is having these kinds of challenges. I'm wondering if you have much support for yourself at all? This is a really safe space to talk about what's happening for you.

if you think it would be helpful to talk to someone one to one, we also offer a free one to one support service for parents, you can find out more about that here if you think it could be something you'd like to try. 

Wishing you all the best- you sound like a really caring and supportive parent, and it can be so tough when one of your kids is having such a challenging time

[ARI45]

Hi
I also have a 16 year old daughter who started being aggressive and violent a couple of times now, the second time is last night. I have been up all night trying to find any information to help us deal with her. She has anxiety and depression for two years now. She was seeing a psychologist for a year and a half but stopped three months ago because she refused to attend. She says she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. She used to say that she only tells the psychiatrist what she knows the psychiatrist wants to hear. She has a boyfriend of just over a month that makes her happy and that she can talk to. Lately she keeps making excuses to stay out later and later. We have tried to be supportive but she doesn’t listen when we ask her to come home at a certain time. We explained it’s for her safety and when it’s a school night. We tried to take her phone when she’s aggressive and swearing but then she would get angry, start hitting and calling me names. My husband had enough last night after she was verbally and physically abusive towards me and warned her that if she’s late coming home again she’s not allowed inside the house. I’m torn because I’m worried what will happen to her but I know we have to put our foot down.

[Iona_RO]

Hi @ARI45 

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it sounds like your family is going through a really tough time at the moment. It's really great to see how much you care and want to support your family by reaching out for some help.

It might be helpful to book in a free session with our 1 on 1 parent coaches - you can do that here. They will be able to give you some more individual advice and strategies to work on.

In regards to feeling like you might have to threaten your daughter that you'll lock her out of the house, I'm wondering if she would have somewhere safe to stay if you decided to take this route? We have this article about supportive parenting techniques that might give you some different options too. It might also be helpful to check out Relationships Australia to see if any of their services would work for you and your family.

I imagine this situation must be causing you a lot of stress, do you have any supports in place like a therapist or psychologist for yourself? It's so important to look after your own wellbeing too.