15 yr old son spending alll his time with his 1st girlfriend, I hardly get to see him

[jak123]

My son is 15, this is his first girlfriend. he is been seeing her for almost a year now. He is always around her house and wants to spend all the time with her. She's had a boyfriend before so it seems she is more mature in the relationship.

and seems she is instructing the relationship. Why I say that is because, in the past when he is with me, she has called him in the middle of the night, crying saying she is going to cut her wrists. Her parents do know about the situation. And for what I know, they are looking into it, to get her help and I think they have seen a psychiatrist but hasn't helped. So they are still looking. That's what I've been told.

My son thinks he can help her, so spending all his time with her. As a parent, I am concerned about my son. I feel he is leading a path that when he realizes he can't help, then how will he feel?

I dont want to break the relationship, I just want him to understand, that he may not be what she needs in terms of help. When he is away with me and his younger sister, he is always on txt msgs with her. this is for the entire wkend sometimes. So I find he is not focused on being with me and his sis.

Every time I bring it up to up, he gets very sensitive, so much so that he has even argued and been very blunt about his feelings with his sister. telling her i dont ever want to talk to you.

he wants to work part time so he can make some money and be able to buy things for himself. he has school and friends but still seems distracted that if i didnt force it on him he will be at her place all day everyday. her mum on the other hand seems not to care and is quite happy to have him around. and she has never ever made any effort to call me and talk to me about the kids. I feel since he spends so much time around their house she should make an effort to let me know everything is ok.

What is the solution, really looking for some guidance, please.

[Hannah-RO]

Hi @jak123 thanks for sharing with us here, I'm glad you've found our forum. I understand you're concerned about the impact this relationship is having on your son and you're worried he is going to become overwhelmed with feeling like he has to care for his girlfriend alone when she is distressed. 

I feel like you are really looking out for your sons wellbeing and advising him that his girlfriend may need more support than just him is a great idea, I understand they sought help from a psychiatrist and are looking at other supports, do you know how this is going?

In terms of speaking to your son, perhaps you could try showing him some resources around supporting someone who engages in self-harm. This resource  highlights the importance of engaging other supports, not managing the issue on your own and seeking help for yourself. I can imagine this is distressing for him as well, do you feel he needs additional support?

I'm also wondering if you would feel comfortable contacting your sons girlfriends mum and discussing your concerns with her? It sounds like having an open communication with her mum is something you would really value, could you reach out to her?

It may also be helpful for you to get some one-on-one support for yourself, I can also see you are an international user of this forum so here is a link to a parenting hotline near you.

I hope some of this information is helpful, feel free to let us know how you go, all the best.

[Jenmerth2022]

I appreciate this post is a few years old just wondering how things are going as i feel i could have written the post except for the sister part my son will spend some time with us but i know feels an intense loyalty to the gilf and most defo guilt if his plans need to change i have multiple times see the gilf have moods and speak abruptly too him even when he has work to go to
Worried mum

[Iona-RO]

Hi @Jenmerth2022 

Thanks for sharing your support and sorry to hear you're going through something similar. 

First crushes and first relationships can be so intense for teens, and something we see a lot on our forum. Our resident psychologist answered a similar question from another parent that you might find helpful, you can read that here.

It's also really important to teach our teens about what respectful relationships are and how to develop boundaries too. We have some articles on these topics here and here. Hopefully that helps and you can support your son in making decisions around his relationship in the best way.

[Erin0110]

Does he show the same propensity for self-harm? If not , everything is ok, in this age all teenagers move away from their parents and have mysterious girlfriends, he will definitely outgrow it

try to find out, why it is so important to be in connection with her ALL the time, maybe she gives him some emotions 

does he have the other friends?