07-19-2018 08:49 PM
07-19-2018 09:32 PM
Hey there @Percattay thanks so much for posting.
I am so sorry to hear about this big shift in your Daughter's behaviour, it must be so confusing and painful in the process of it all. We definitely notice a theme on the forums here around the 16-17 year old mark. It's an incredibly taxing time for a young person, their sense of self begins to form, their hormones rage; and the brain doesn't stop developing until it is 25 years of age. As a result, parents have a massive load amidst it all. Even though she is a rescuer, taking care of her friends is quite a positive thing. I know at times you probably wish she would turn some of that care inward, or towards the family, but this shows she has empathy and compassion for people, do you know why she feels so connected to these particular friends? It's great she finished the tafe course, has the behaviour worsened as the study ceased?
We have a free service called ReachOut parents coaching which I would highly recommend checking out. This can be a great support throughout all of these changes with your Daughter, and ensure your own self-care is taken into consideration as well. I will tag some other members in the community for their insight Look forward to hearing from you.
07-19-2018 10:41 PM
07-22-2018 09:17 PM
Hey @Percattay, welcome to the forum, and it's great that you've reached out for some support. I was just talking with a friend about how stressful these times are for us as we don't have control and we don't know what the outcome is going to be for our kids. When we see them behaving poorly or making poor choices, we worry it's going to be like this forever!
Your daughter sounds like she has a big heart and is concerned for the welfare of others which is lovely, but I can understand your concern about her placement of that care and concern, and the way she's going about things. It also hurts feeling that distance in the relationship, and I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this.
My daughter dropped out of her tafe course right at the end as well this year. She's currently not studying or working and has been behaving erratically lately. I've been really stressed about it and have realised that our communication has really broken down, as it sounds it has with you and your daughter. I need to work on this as communication is a huge asset when parenting teens. I'm getting some reminders from the resources on ReachOut, and thought you might gain some benefit from them too. Here is one on communicating with teens, and an interesting one here on risk taking and teens.
The coaching is awesome too, so that's great you're going to look into that.
How has your weekend gone?
07-23-2018 08:32 PM
07-23-2018 11:02 PM
My pleasure @Percattay, and I certainly relate to the value in knowing we're not alone.
That's great you've got your first coaching session booked in! I've done the coaching and found it to be really useful. They'll help you with some strategies you can use straight away.
I'm trying to get my daughter back to study as well - I'd be happy even if she did something online. I'm worried about her doing nothing, but just have to take it slowly at the moment.
What a relief for you that your daughter's been home. As you say, you take the positives whenever they come, and in whatever form they come in!
Is it wrong to look forward to taking that sigh of relief with that glass of wine?! Lol.
07-24-2018 11:31 PM
Hi @taokat and @Percattay
I totally get what your saying about our kids needing structure and some kind of study or employment. I am holding my breath as school starts in another 3 weeks and my daughter will be going into 10th grade. Last year she attended school maybe whole month. We are trying a partial day to start. Also, a sign language class at our community college a couple nights per week.
She tried to get a part time job this summer but she is only 15 so that was tough and honestly I don't think all her self harm scars helped much however, I never mentioned that to her.
I also worry about my daughter doing nothing- just being at home all day would take a toll on anyone. One thing we did do after her last hospitalization is start a "schedule" for her day. I think she likes the structure of that. It includes exercise and working on a skill on reading, chores around the house, making dinner once per week, stuff like that.
I agree parenting is the hardest job we will ever have! And I am pretty sure we all deserve a case of wine.
07-25-2018 09:56 PM
I really love your ideas for keeping your daughter moving @sunflowermom! Sign language - how fabulous! What beautiful souls you are
I think coming out of hospital with a schedule for home is the best thing. I was told to leave my daughter and not fuss about getting her to do things, and her counsellor continues to tell her that she doesn’t need to work or study because of her anxiety, so my mentions of study send my daughter into a rage. So my girl believes she’s incapable of doing anything and was crying to me the other night about it. She said she can’t do anything but has dreams and wants things in life and can’t stand the thought of living on the pension in subsidised housing. At the same time she won’t see a new counsellor who will help her believe in herself. *scream*
Wow, sorry, that turned into a rant!! I’m going back to the thought of learning sign language which warmed my heart. Coping, resetting...
07-26-2018 09:20 AM - edited 07-26-2018 09:22 AM
07-26-2018 08:19 PM - edited 07-26-2018 08:21 PM
Sounds like your idea of sign language has created a chain reaction and everyone loves this idea here at ReachOut. Rightfully so, of course!
It sounds like scheduling has worked for a few and that seeing a counselor is a really difficult thing to approach. Does everyone think that the same reaction would be had to helplines or web-based counseling services? @sunflowermom, @taokat, @Percattay