06-07-2018 01:36 AM
06-07-2018 02:35 AM
06-07-2018 10:27 AM
Hey there @Alfiepup_17- as with @Alaya your Daughter sounds incredibly intelligent and gifted, and most definitely will be a great asset to the world with her interests and skills. Sometimes as a young person we just don't fit in within the context of our environment, i.e. High School where sports/looks etc is more the focus. Do you think there's a chance at college, when she pursues interests with like minds, that things will turn around for her a bit? I know you mentioned she has OCD and GAD which is incredibly hard but no doubt her current environment with the bullying peers is fuelling those symptoms.
This must be very challenging for you and your husband, would the three of you consider family therapy as well? We're here to listen as you need I am hearing you have a lot of love for your daughter, this is so beautiful. We are an Australian site (I am assuming by the mention of College you are in the USA or Canada?) so I cannot provide you referrals for her suicidal ideation but there may be 24/7 helplines available to you depending on your state.
06-07-2018 09:40 PM
Hey @Alfiepup_17-, it sounds like there is a lot of care for your daughter. I can tell that you are doing the best job that you can given everything that you have going on for you. It must be really difficult to manage everything but it is great that you have some goals ahead. You are right in saying that you need help too and this is important to remember. How do you deal with everything that is going on as it sounds like it can be quite distressing?
06-07-2018 11:07 PM
06-14-2018 09:47 AM
Firstly, apologies everyone for not contributing online for so long and I do hope everyone is going ok with their individual situations.
The last few months have been a rollercoaster for my son and self. There have been slight improvements however they are merely baby steps. My son has commenced a new mainstream school and although its early days, states he likes it. That is actually a positive as he wasn't going to school at all at one stage.
The main problem I have is coping with his behaviours at home which all seem to be triggered by his extreme anxiety. He lashes out at me swearing and yelling really loud and I find this really stressful. Its been ongoing and medication helps his behaviours only a little. He is currently on a waiting list to see another psychologist and sees a psychiatrist for his medication.
I have come to realise that my son might always have this debilitating anxiety and so I've now accepted and surrended to his condition and am able to talk about it more openly to a select few. This is another positive as I kept his condition to myself for so long. What I was wondering was whether any other person out there has any techniques that they could recommend to assist with screaming and swearing and unreasonable demands put on them by their teenager?
My current ways of dealing with these behaviours as a solo parent (and the best I have found so far) is to have total compassion for my son and realise that he is truly suffering to say and do all these dreadful things...all directed at myself, the person who loves him above all others. I no longer yell back and I try and transform my own anger into compassion. Although it is against my parenting beliefs to NOT put consequences in place, this (in the past) has always added fire to the situation. So instead of getting angry for my son for getting his own way, I don't say or do anything when he becomes angry and has his outbursts. This seems to work the best and my son settles down a lot quicker than if I were to retaliate.
But if anyone else has any suggestions, that would be great.
I do totally empathise with the "2 years of hell" post however, please know that a lot of us are going through similar (although different) situations and this forum is a wonderful opportunity to connect with others. I am very grateful.
06-14-2018 10:18 AM
I'm sorry you are going through such a struggle with your son and his anger outbursts. I understand what you mean how it feels going against your parenting not to give consequences. I think you are doing the right thing by not engaging or fighting back. I struggle with my daughter in the same way but hers is mostly hysterical crying spells that last for hours. I just don't know what to do for her and I don't know how to "fix" her. My heart breaks and its so hard not to take it personal when she lashes out. In some ways I see progress, less self harm, and a little more social interaction but like you they feel like baby steps. I have been grieving a lot lately realizing this may be long term or perhaps life long. Its definitely not what I envisioned for her future. And its certainly sucking the life out of our family emotionally.
Sister, Can you and your son agree on a game plan for what to do if he has an outburst. Like- can he be alone so he doesn't lash out at you so bad? I'm trying to come up with a plan for when my daughter has her episodes. Like get her to a safe place, give her some meds and her dog tell her I am here but I am going to be in the other room if she needs me.
You are so right- we may have different stories but we are all sort of in the same place with the same broken hearts and pain. Hugs.
06-14-2018 11:41 AM
06-17-2018 10:55 AM
Thank you @sunflowermom and @Taylor-RO for your support and suggestions regarding managing my sons behaviours. I will try finding an appropriate time again to talk with my son about what works best for him although at this stage I feel not giving the negative behaviours any obvious attention seems to work best for us both.
Safety of course is paramount and if his outbursts get too bad I just need to leave the house. An awful way to live! Prevention however is important too and I have really been working hard on my own reactions and responses to his behaviours by not retaliating and like you mentioned @Taylor-RO, not taking his attacks personally. This is a real test because I find being sworn at and spoken to really disrespectively very demeaning.
However, I don't lose hope that one day my son shall realise his disrespect and develop into the beautiful soul I know he is capable of being.
Due to his extreme anxiety (for whatever the reasons and there are probably several) I know in my heart he doesn't mean these dreadful things so if I continue to stay calm, not take his words personally and not lose sight of compassion, love and understanding then things shall improve. This is all unconditional of course and I need to give myself breaks along the way because I am also learning all about self care which is so important for all of us particularly when living in these situations.
I have just done a lovely walk in the sunshine and am giving myself some "time out" by being on this forum. Nurturing myself by finding enjoyment in the simple things in life. Nature, writing and reading are gifts to myself. Also talking to select others over a cup of coffee/tea about my sons behaviours when they occur. These are basic things but for me they work. If I am calm and happy, hopefully one day my son shall be too! This is the plan.
@sunflowermom....what you are going through with your daughters behaviours takes patience, love and compassion too. But please give yourself some time out and pampering. You deserve the gift of self kindness and nurturing. Listening to your daughter screaming can be really hard to deal with as you know. What about putting some head phones on and listening to some relaxation music when she begins screaming? That way you are still on the peripherary but not giving the behaviour undue attention. Possibly your daughter could try this technique too although she may have done already.
Look after yourself @sunflowermom as I shall be too.