12-10-2018 06:01 PM
Hey all, I'm feeling so alone here...my 16 yr old daughter who is the nicest human being and has a heart of gold is losing herself.
She got caught with weed a couple of years ago, moved school, has done counselling at Headspace but then dropped out of school after grade 10.
I've been divorced from her Dad for 10 years and have since remarried a wonderful man who fully supports us.
Her real Dad has mental issues, is narcissistic and drinks every night.
He lives with a woman he met as soon as we split up but has abused her emotionally as well.
My eldest daughter went to live with them for a few years but moved out earlier this year and is not on speaking terms with him.
I caught my youngest with MDMA a few weeks ago and took her straight to the police station for a lecture...she never argues or complains yet still keeps going back to smoking weed and last drank 3/4 bottle of Scotch so she slept in for work.
Today she came up with the idea to move in with her Dad as as she said he's stricter and hopefully she can tame her ways.
My concern is though that he'll end up smoking weed and drinking with her!
I can't talk to him as he'll just abuse me again and is not a reasonable man.
I'm just wondering if anyone has experience with their daughters moving in with their Dads and what the outcome was?
I'm totally fine with her moving out as she has every right to live with him, am just concerned about his bad habits.rubbing off on her.
She is such a lovely girl but suffers badly as she struggles to learn and seems to be stuck in a rut with not much going well for her in life at the moment.
She works part time and is struggling with passing a tafe course now for the third time.
It doesn't seem to matter how much we praise her for all her strengths and love her..she still has low self-esteem.
Any advice or kind words would be appreciated :-)
12-23-2018 06:19 AM
It does appear that your daughter is struggling with very low self-esteem.
The incidents you mention with the drugs and alcohol will - sorry to say - escalate if not kept under control.
This is a very difficult situation for you because your daughter is now becoming an adult with her ideas about how she chooses to lead her life. You feel powerless to help yet you are witnessing what is happening to her.
Wanting to move in with her father is her own choice. However, he is man who has his own mental issues. You are very right to be concerned about the effect on your daughter.
Your eldest daughter decided not to live with him anymore and you say he emotionally abuses his girlfriend. From what you say about the guy, he is a man that will emotionally belittle anyone who is vulnerable.
You say that you can't reason with her father due to the emotional abuse he inflicted on you. This is a really difficult situation. Will he treat his daughter the same way he did you and his girlfriend?
Although her father is not going to be the best influence in her life, it's going to be easier for you to accept that she is going to live with him. Understandably this is upsetting for you.
One practical way to deal with this would be for you to keep encouraging your daughter with her work and studies whenever you can. This could help your daughter to feel better in the company of you and your present partner.
Your ex-husband is an emotional abuser because he needs to bring down vulnerable people in order find his own place in the world.
Your situation is very frustrating and the only thing that you can do is keep encouraging your daughter by praising her for all the positive things she does. Make sure that she is welcome to your home at all times. This will enable you to continue your relationship with her.
It is very difficult because you need to be careful not to cause any upset. She could easily side with her father. There is also the risk - from what you say about him - that he could encourage your daughter to become more distant from you.
You just need to keep a balance between understanding what your daughter believes she wants, provide as much encouragement as you can and hope she realises that her dad's behaviour is not in her best interests.
Again....It is a problem for you because much of this is out of your control and you know that if you are too forceful, you'll create a wider rift in a fragile situation.
You could also consider seeking advice from a local health centre or drug/alcohol clinic if possible. They may be able to help and will understand the difficult situation you are in.
She is struggling to complete a college course. Could you suggest some form of extra/private tutoring? There may be extra college resources if she seeks help.
She could seek advice on courses/programmes that could be an alternative to this TAFE programme or some form of further work training.
You are certainly worrying about the alcohol and drug exposure your ex-husband will bring upon your daughter. You say that she is already smoking weed and drinking alcohol. In all fairness, she will need to get help if this progresses further. An alcohol/drug clinic could offer her advice. The problem is speaking to her about it without causing offence.
Your daughter could benefit from counselling/therapy in order to explore her own low self-esteem issues. You say she already has been to counselling whilst at school. Returning to a counselling/therapy programme could be worth her looking into.
She will certainly benefit from looking after her job. The regular work pattern and money will encourage her to take responsibility.
Would it be possible for her to hand over a set amount of money for you to put into an account on her behalf? This could reduce her spending on alcohol or drugs.
She does seem to be a girl who genuinely wants to help herself but will easily be distracted by influences elsewhere.
Your ex-husband needs help as well. His drinking and drug use will spiral even further out of control because of his own mental health issues.
OK...Although it may be hard to suggest....Could your ex and daughter attend a session at one these clinics/help groups together?
Your position in all of this is very difficult because you want what is best for your daughter but can't force her to take help. All of this is her decision and she will accept help only when she is ready. It's hard.
In the meantime. All you can do is continue giving her as much positive encouragement as and when you can.
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