That's such a tough situation @St_George- It's not hard to hear how impacting this has been on all your lives.
It is incredibly hard to live with daily anger and many families get worn down by it. So please don't be hard on yourself about where you guys have arrived and what happens as a result. The fact that you're here says much more about you as a parent than your daughter being angry.
There are a couple of things that strike me when I read your story.
The first is that anger is a product of an emotion, not an emotion itself. The base emotions are joy, sadness and fear. Clearly, she's not experiencing joy, so for her to be acting out in an angry way suggests she's either fearful or sad. Because it lives below the anger and because she's so young, you may not find out which one it is or why it's there for some time or ever. You may be able to guess but it doesn't really matter. The idea is to respond to her the way you would if she was crying or frightened. Speaking calmly and soothingly, asking if she needs a hug, telling her you love her, sitting instead of standing, backing up so she has lots of physical space, touching her warmly if possible, smiling and keeping things light. All the things you would do to cheer her up or calm her down. It may sound ridiculous but if you agree that the aim is to encourage her out of her current mode and into a more appropriate way of interacting then this may help.
The second is that kids never do stuff that doesn't work. They are very smart and they don't waste their time engaging in behaviour that doesn't get their needs met. The problem is, often parents misunderstand what those needs are. For example, you may feel that her need is to keep her laptop and you can't understand why she would scream at you when if she asked you nicely you might be more likely to let her have it. But if her need is to engage you, to get your full attention, to have you both fully focused on her and to exert control over you both by affecting your mood and behaviour, BAM, she's nailing it.
She's using anger because it works. And now, because she's used to it. She's good at it and my guess is her other skills are less developed. She's not nearly as practised at calm discourse as she is at escalated conflict.
I'm sure this is all stuff you've heard before so I apologise in advance. I've worked with many families in the past that are managing really angry kids and I have consistently found that helping parents to see the young person as someone who is sad or fearful and engaging in behaviour purely because it's meeting a need, rather than a despot who is intent on bringing the family to its knees can let parents find the desire to reconnect with their child again.
Because the heartbreak of anger is that ultimately it's very isolating and if your daughter goes into the rest of her life staying this angry she'll most likely be alone. And that's the tragedy.
I'm sure @taokat will be able to share some practical tips and if you're interested in coaching just click here to start filling out the registration form.
