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Am I a bad parent?

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c_east

Am I a bad parent?

I'll start off by saying my daughter thinks she is transgender. Female to male. I don't believe her. There is no way that she is transgender because I watched her grow up and experiment with so many girly things and never have a problem with it. She only started telling me she wanted to be a boy when she was 11, when she started hitting puberty and everything became confusing for her as it normally does for the average preteen. On top of that, there was another transgender female to male going to her school at the time. I told her that I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say or do about it. I'm highly against letting children transition, especially not her. She's impressionable and she tends to claim things about herself that just aren't true to be popular. She was diagnosed with BPD at 14 so that was a huge eye opener as well.  My daughter alters the look of her facial structure with my makeup. I previously told her that it was okay for her to use it as long as she didn't ruin it, but I wasn't aware that she was going to make herself look like a boy. after she got a few strangers saying "have a good day sir" while out in public with me, I decided to revoke my permission for her to use my makeup. Never have I seen my daughter have a meltdown as great as she did. She screamed at me for being "unfair" and "unsupportive" and she went on an entire rant about how her father and I threw three of her packers out in the trash and how we "couldn't even bring ourselves to buy at least a binder." I'm not going to entertain something that I think is completely false. She told me she hated me and stormed off to spend the night at a friend's house. When she came back, her hair was cut short. I'm at my wits end here and I'm sick of my daughter's entitlement issues and her negligence to respect any of my wishes. I'm considering taking away everything except for her basic necessities from her until she learns to be grateful for what we've done for her. Before I do that however I want to know if her outrageous behavior has some validity to it.

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Janine-RO

Re: Am I a bad parent?

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Hi @c_east , 

 

We are really glad you have found this forum, and hope that you find this a safe space to talk through your feelings and concerns. 

 

As a parent, it can be really challenging when our kids are going through changes that we may be taken aback by, and I can imagine hearing that your child tell you that they think they are transgender could come as a really big shock to you. You say that you are highly against letting children transition, especially her; I thought it might be helpful for you to see some other posts that parents have made on our forums about children who are going through the process of questioning their gender identity. You are not alone in your feelings of uncertainty. One post that i thought was really helpful was this thread I'm linking to here -

 

My step-daughter has told me and her dad (my fiance) that she feels more like a boy. My partner is scared of loosing his little girl. How do I support them from here?" 

 

If you have the time, I'd really encourage you to have a read through the thread - there's a lot of ...

 

One other parent, @provincetown , is the parent of a child who did end up transitioning, and made this comment, "As a parent of a transgender 20-something, it's important for your partner to recognize that he doesn't have little girl. He never did. There may be a place for some grief, which isn't shared with your trans son, but there is a strong need to accept and support them. Unfortunately, society is against them and they need their parents in their corner to make it all work. 

 

To keep the door open, let your son lead the way. Ask for the ways that you can support him. Tell them that you are probably going to make mistakes. Be curious about the trans world, and learn about the kinds of joys and challenges trans people face. 


Is your son visibly transitioning yet? Go clothes shopping. Celebrate their strength to truly know themselves."

 

For some kids, questioning their gender identity may be something that passes, for some, they may decide that they do identify as transgender - this does not necessarily mean that they will decide to medically transition (e.g. through surgery or hormone replacement), some people find social transition to be enough to relieve their feelings of dysphoria. I hear that you're at your wits end, and it's normal to feel some feelings of grief and confusion. I think it's really positive that you have reached out here, and if you are able to listen as openly and non-judgmentally as possible to your child, you may be able to find out more about their feelings around transitioning. 
 
There's some really good resources available online for parents of children who may be questioning their gender identity too, as well as gender clinics where you can both speak to professionals about these feelings .I noticed from your IP that you appear to be in Canada, here are some support services that are available for you and your family  
 
Please let us know how you go, it showed a lot of courage being willing to open up about this here and I hope the community can support you. 

 

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Jozansag

Re: Am I a bad parent?

No you are not a bad parent for caring and loving your child. 

Community Manager
Bre-RO

Re: Am I a bad parent?

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Heya @Jozansag thanks for coming here to give support. Just letting you know we had to edit some of your post as there were parts that weren't in line with our guidelines. Which you can read in detail here

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Zo_ey

Re: Am I a bad parent?

I don't know about validity. These are very difficult situations for parents, but the fact remains that for a young person going through puberty, hormones can play havoc with their brains. Frequently when the situation is stressful, younger people can get reactive because they are ill-equipped to handle such situations. I just realized its not a recent thread; well, I hope it was sorted out with minimal friction.  

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SeafoamGreen

Re: Am I a bad parent?

Brave of you to admit your distrust of your daughter. It's easy to talk one's self into the fact they are a bad parent but that doesn't necessarily make it true.

I remember when my oldest, Joey, told me the reason he wasn't speaking to me (long story). I didn't believe him one bit. But that was so much simpler than your situation.

The bottom line is, transgender or not, male or female, normal or not, it's still your child. Your love anf instincts will find the right path.

Wishing you the best.

Community Manager
Hannah-RO

Re: Am I a bad parent?

Hi there @SeafoamGreen 

I have edited your response here a little bit and sent you an email with some more details on this.

 

I think you are right that thinking you're a bad parent doesn't make it true, and that parental guilt is something a lot of users here on the forum can relate to. I also really like what you're saying that "it's still your child" and you've highlighted the importance of love, which is such an valuable message Heart

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Jozansag

Re: Am I a bad parent?

So much editing and censorship... very wierd .... are you funded by the trans medical industry to keep pushing hormones and surgical treatments on kids to make them permanent medical patients.

Community Manager
Bre-RO

Re: Am I a bad parent?

Your views on editing of the posts are fair and we are open to hearing about how this would be weird for you. 

 

As we are a mental health space, ensuring the safety of all young people is our number one priority. It sounds like you have had experience with de-trans and that was what was best for your child and family. However, as there are families from all walks of life, with differing needs/circumstances, we have created the guideline that we steer clear from giving specific medical advice. 

 

In the same way we wouldn’t condone promoting medical advice to transition, we also can’t promote de-transitioning. These conversations are best left between families and their GP's, as it is not our scope. 

 

Just letting you know, I did need to remove the link due to our guideline around sharing social media sites.