Anxiety and/or just being selfish?

[Tulip]

Hi all I just need to vent here. I may have mentioned before I live with just my daughter and 2 dogs. She has anxiety and depression but where is the line drawn on just being selfish?
Yes she is sick in bed with laryngitis but this afternoon I was getting ready to go to dinner with my sister who is here from Coffs Harbour for the weekend my daughter would have come except she is sick. I couldn't cancel as she lives quite far. So anyway I'm getting ready the shower door panel comes off while im already in the shower everything is slippery it hits my foot, I scream, get out of the shower lean the screen in the bath. Get some ice on it and proceed to get changed . Do you know what? I don't hear a word from her! I go in her room 10 minutes later and say did you hear me I just hurt myself, she's on her phone , yeah she says. No are you ok mum? I just walked away. I was and am astounded . I was good enough to make her some soup in the slow cooker before I left, would it hurt her to show me a bit of kindness after all I do for her. My foot is quite swollen and bruised, I will live but I'm feeling really hurt tonight 😢

[Sally-RO]

hey there @Tulip sounds like you had a really rough time gettin ready. Hopefully you enjoyed your time with your sister =)

[Tulip]

Thanks @Sally-RO I did end up having a good night with my sister.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Tulip, glad to hear that you were still able to have fun with your sister despite the incident with your daughter. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you. It is a lovely feeling to know that those around us care about our wellbeing so it can be disheartening when they don't inquire. How have you been managing your feelings around this and is there any action you plan on taking?

[Tulip]

Hi Taylor-RO thanks for your support. Well I had a bit of a cry last night in bed and this morning I said to my daughter I was really hurt that she didn't ask if I was ok. She said she knew I was ok because I was yelling and swearing and she thought it was no big deal because I'm always bumping into things. I told her as best as I could that she needs to be a bit kinder and have more empathy, not much of a reply but I think I was heard. I will probably not be working too much for at least 2-3 days and be resting so will have to get her to fend for herself a bit more. X

[taokat]

Hey @Tulip, how is your foot today? That must've really hurt and I can understand your hurt over your daughter's seeming lack of care. It's just my daughter and myself as well, and I understand how upsetting and frustrating it can be when our teens act in a manner we see as selfish. 

I had a really interesting conversation about the subject of selfishness with a psychiatrist I saw on Friday. I was saying that I got really upset and annoyed when my daughter wouldn't help out around the house, or even pick up or clean up after herself. It makes me feel disrespected and like she thinks I'm a slave, there to tidy up after her, when she gave nothing in return.

I was reminded and assured that teens don't think the way we often think they do. My daughter doesn't leave her stuff lying around thinking "mum'll get it, that's her job". I was reminded that my reaction is triggered from a past experience that actually has nothing to do with my daughter. She's not anyone from my past who has hurt me or treated me badly, and she doesn't think like they do either. She's a teenager, and while her actions aren't always great, she doesn't think in the way adults do. 

He assured me my daughter loves me, and I do know that, so I hope I can assure you that your daughter does love you very much too. 

I'm so glad you talked with your daughter and feel she heard you. Even though they don't think as we sometimes assume they do, I was also told it's totally okay to let my daughter know how it makes me feel when she does certain things. It allows her to understand where I'm coming from.

I hope your daughter helps you out a bit more while you're out of action. It's a great opportunity to show her you trust her ability to do more for herself. 

Sending hugs and hope your foot heals quickly 

[Tulip]

Hi @taokat thanks for your kind words my foot is getting better thanks and the swelling is going down but still black and blue. I agree that teenagers don't always think the way we do and don't always mean things they do or not do. As in your situation being on our own we rely on each other and it's not always a two way street and at such times as this I can feel vulnerable and lonely, thanks for your hugs and support it means a lot xx

[LauraBellissima]

I am so sorry you hurt your self and just wanted to say you are not alone, flummoxed by surly teens who have not received the 'gratitude' memo.

Our daughter is sixteen and has suffered from anxiety for at least eleven years.  She is out only child and so all resources have been spent on her and she wants for very little. We have a small family in Australia and not tons of friends although enough, she does not make friends easily and gets lonely so uses computers as interaction etc,

Anyway her anxiety makes her stunningly rude and add a dash of adolescence - good lord. She left her laptop at home the other day and asked me if I could drop it on my way to work, which I will do (have done once before) if she gets me in time, But the last time, I was in court and could not do it. So she asked her dad. He took the time out of his day to drop it off to her at school (not far from our house but still) and she DID NOT SAY THANK YOU but just took it and walked off.  Well that went down brilliantly but he was great about it and did not yell, we just quietly told her it was NOT and she felt our disappointment judging by her later behaviour. 

SHe will not hug either of us or allow us to hug or touch her which we  respect. She hears us asking each other 'how was your day' and 'how are you' - you know, the usual courtesies that make the world go more nicely - but she would never ask how my day was or how dad's was. The kids dont ask each other these things though, I;ve noticed. they do seem to offer support to each other  over difficulties but never ask how they are.

She would never send a birthday card to anyone,, not to me, dad - anyone, without prompting, she will never make small talk because that's 'not real'.  Her total inability to be sociable means that most of the jobs available to her age group are out - service industries. No go for someone who hates people as much as she does!

She does not do housework but I think she would be able to if she lived alone or had management of a house so I don't fight that particular battle.

If I hurt my foot the way you did, she MIGHT get ice for me, if she heard me through the headphones but she would NOT ask how my foot was. Not a chance.

Its good to get this off my chest as the anxiety in her seems intractable and limiting and it does get me down when I see other peoples' kids behaving civilly as it reflects on us, the parents, when our kids are horrid and I have done nothing but model  good manner and civil behaviour.  I have not punished her hard for  not being polite because I was punished hard for rule infractions as a child and it made me hate my parents - perhaps undeserved but there it is, I guess I never found a middle ground.