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Asking for what we need when things are tough.

Asking for what we need when things are tough.

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Prolific scribe

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

@taokat Those that understand need no explanation ... i hear you on many levels.  Hence why i love the yoga studio sooo much, no demands, in fact no talking, its all about me and the peeps are so loving and supportive in that they are there too poss for many reasons of self soothing into serenity ... real life detox and letting go.  

 

Yes when it gets tough, in our life, lets be honest that's when people get busy, give advice not asked for as with their judgements and generally can turn their backs as our lives are in the too hard basket AGAIN.  

 

Please understand this is not a tale of woe, yet one which we deal with daily, our grace is that we learn how to deal with many things, resilience is a natural learning journey, amongst many things, the top too would be gratitude and love.  

 

We are actually if we turn our story around very lucky to be supportive and understanding of each other , yes we have our moments of much eg angers, damage, frustration, hurting, dysfunction, no talking and space, yet we have knowing that we are a family who works well together even in those dysfunctional times called life ing.  

 

So again I hear you @taokat.  Asking for help can be draining especially when i hear .. oh good luck with that, that's a hard situation, yet you appear to be managing wel considering etc ... asking for help in my world is as real as self care, asking myself at times to show up for me, role modelling again for the kids that resilience skill we often hear, one breathe at a time, breaking life into small achievable breathes. 

 

Help does come in many forms, for us sometimes we have to give time to see what has helped us, even if not to react when we feel we need more than we get, we have that knowing that we are all we need and there is not always a need to do or fix, yet to simply be feeling a positive , be it small or large.  What now is important in the moment we allow ourselves to simply stop, even for a moment and find a rose to smell.  Our appreciation levels are exercised. 

 

 

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Prolific scribe

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

@taokat Those that understand need no explanation ... i hear you on many levels.  Hence why i love the yoga studio sooo much, no demands, in fact no talking, its all about me and the peeps are so loving and supportive in that they are there too poss for many reasons of self soothing into serenity ... real life detox and letting go.  

 

Yes when it gets tough, in our life, lets be honest that's when people get busy, give advice not asked for as with their judgements and generally can turn their backs as our lives are in the too hard basket AGAIN.  

 

Please understand this is not a tale of woe, yet one which we deal with daily, our grace is that we learn how to deal with many things, resilience is a natural learning journey, amongst many things, the top too would be gratitude and love.  

 

We are actually if we turn our story around very lucky to be supportive and understanding of each other , yes we have our moments of much eg angers, damage, frustration, hurting, dysfunction, no talking and space, yet we have knowing that we are a family who works well together even in those dysfunctional times called life ing.  

 

So again I hear you @taokat.  Asking for help can be draining especially when i hear .. oh good luck with that, that's a hard situation, yet you appear to be managing wel considering etc ... asking for help in my world is as real as self care, asking myself at times to show up for me, role modelling again for the kids that resilience skill we often hear, one breathe at a time, breaking life into small achievable breathes. 

 

Help does come in many forms, for us sometimes we have to give time to see what has helped us, even if not to react when we feel we need more than we get, we have that knowing that we are all we need and there is not always a need to do or fix, yet to simply be feeling a positive , be it small or large.  What now is important in the moment we allow ourselves to simply stop, even for a moment and find a rose to smell.  Our appreciation levels are exercised.  And thank ful for online friendships.

 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

Thank you @Red21 for your kind words and I loved reading your response. I agree, but hadn't thought about it before - could be we don't ask for what we need because others just judge and tell us what we should be doing to 'snap out of it'. And that's actually a big reason I usually just soldier on these days. That's actually a big thing to realise as I can possibly change that by simply saying 'I just need you to listen'. Thank you!

 

I've just joined a gym and really looking forward to doing yoga. I used to go many years ago so know it will be good for me. They have many different classes including Tai Chi so I'm excited. All good for the mind, body and soul.

 

You're answer was so inspiring, I agree with all you said. Positivity and being grateful and loving are big healers and connectors in families. In life! And yes, life is learning curve. I believe as long as we're still learning, we're truly alive. We learn most though our mistakes, and when we do we realise it wasn't actually a mistake.

 

I look forward to further communications!  

Prolific scribe

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

@taokat  Inspiration reflection straight back at ya - love "i just need you to listen" ... awesome.  i had exactly that from Carers  some years back  with some , well two counselling sessions , of pure listening from another, i got much said, amongst tears and was told its ok, not only are you a mother but a carer.  I had never realised and it made sense of a lot of feelings - there was little other support that could realistically be given at that time, but a financial lift of a carers allowance, unfortunately it was stopped not long after as they deemed my son was no longer needing - suddenly overnight his needs didn't meet criteria under new laws.  Yet recognition was given and it soothed me somewhat to also be heard.  

 

I am so please about joining a gym that's awesome, let me know how you go with gym visits - a change of four walls and scenery - my studio is like my church 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

Just being heard is a really important thing hey @Red21. It's validation I think that's the healing thing. There are so many mistakes we make and doubts we have when dealing with struggling teens, so it's reassuring to be validated.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your loss of financial aid. That must be really frustrating, because as you say, only the legislation changed, not your son's needs. Politics...

 

I've got a new tool to use in my communications I hope might be useful to others. I've made up a template on my computer for us to use at home.

 

'I feel (or felt).......

when.......

because......

and I would like......'

 

For example (based on an incident where my daughter came out swearing)

 

I felt embarrassed

when you came out raging about the tv in front of my friend

because Jenny felt uncomfortable and left

and I would like you to have just said 'Mum could you please turn down the tv, it's too loud'.

 

The idea is that you keep editing until the wording is calm but direct, before you resond to the person (teen, partner, friend, colleague, anyone!)

 

Prolific scribe

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

@taokat
Wanting to be heard ...
us and our teens
My son gets really upset when he talks and I do not listen
And I am meaning I could be talk g at the time also
He may interrupt
But in his world
It is centered around him at times
Communicating after these times is hard to start again
There is no need for a wrong or right
Just to be heard
Is always enough
For us both

Mindful listening have great techniques
With plenty of practice lol

Prolific scribe

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

Oooooo that's a great reminder thank you
I'll put that my my fridge
Super contributor

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

So wonderful to see the support you guys are offering each other @taokat and @Red21. This is what the community is all about!!

 

@taokat Any chance you 'd like to take the 

'I feel (or felt).......

when.......

because......

and I would like......'

And the description of how it works and turn it into a thread of its own. Maybe one about ways to reduce conflict or improve communication? It's a fabulous tool and I'd love other parents to get to benefit from it too.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

I'm so glad to be a part of this lovely community @Ngaio-RO! We all have something to offer and we're all in need of a litttle help - perfect balance.

 

And I'd be happy to start a new topic - I agree, it's a fabulous communication tool! 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Asking for what we need when things are tough.

HI everyone, This is a great thread and so true. I could have written this...

 

""I need you to take up the slack for a while. I need you to keep asking me to meet you even though I almost always say no and sometimes will say yes and then cancel last minute. I need you to keep calling to chat even though you've called me the last 5 times and I often don't pick up and never call back. I need you to keep listening to me talk about this issue, even though my issue has dominated our talks for some time now. I need you to listen without judgement, not push your opinions on me and to never, EVER get frustrated at me or my child because this issue is taking so long. I need you to keep this relationship alive because it's important to me and I need you in my life but right now my child is taking everything I have. Basically, I need you and I need you to not need me in return.Ok?""

 

Yes, some people have stopped trying and I totally undrstand why.

I have just started counselling recently and am reminded that at this point my life is simply about SURVIVAL and I should expect nothing more of myself.

To be honest, I am struggling through every week. I work full time. My kids need me to be strong and the weight of that can be so heavy can't it?

 

I find that it is extra hard because I am scared to not be there in the moments that my daughter falls apart. You may know our story a little and that my daughter has severe depression but I don't think I have mentioned that this causes her to have "voices" (psychosis) and at times they kind of take over or overwhelm here and after 8 months of this I now have some ability to "get her back". The faster I catch her the better or it can escalate into self harming or worse. Does that make sense? So I'm nervous when I'm not with her. It's like having a new baby again. 

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