Boyfriend has a princess daughter, irresponsible and rude. Please help

[Adrianr29]

My bfs daughter will be 18 soon she loves w her dad fulltime, he hasn't had a relationship in 8 yrs until me. She has been so spoiled to the point she doesnt wash her dishes or cleans up after herself. Throws parties & doesnt try to hide it. Im just at a point where idk if i should or shouldnt put my foot down w things. He seems to be blind or just turn a blind cheek all the time. No discipline at all. She will leave the house and not tell him where she is going. He will then txt her multiple times and call her w no response. Then she wont come home til the next am w no explanation of where she was.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Adrianr29, thanks for sharing your story here. These things seem to be quite frustrating for you. How do you manage when all these things are happening? What makes you unsure about whether you should put your foot down? Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how he handles things?  Just some questions to gain some more information about what is going on for you!

I will tag some other members here for some input @sunflowermom @Schooner @compassion @taokat @Dad4good

[Adrianr29]

Ive mentioned a few things. But since she is almost 18 and it's been going on for so long things are kind of set in their ways. I don't want to step on any toes but also i feel like as an adult she should know to show some respect for others and show appre ciation for what we do for her. She is also going to be mobing out of state adter graduation to be closer to the family as her dad is the only one here. She is expecting her dad to move with her to take care of her & support her more than anything else. She does not know anything about taking care of bills. It's sad, scary & frustrating

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Adrianr29 that definitely sounds like a tough position to be in, wanting to set some boundaries but on the other hand not wanting to step on anyone's toes. It's really hard when we walk into a situation where people are set in their ways and then not being sure of how to influence some positive changes without upsetting anyone. It sounds like there's going to be a bit of transition with your boyfriend's daughter moving out of state after graduation. Has your boyfriend advised if he plans to move as well? You also said you've mentioned a few things, how did that conversation go? We're here to listen and support you. 

[Adrianr29]

Well we have known each other for about 9 yrs but he was planning on moving back where his family is after his daughter graduated. Now he hs a great job, friends and owns his own home. Because he planned on moving bk he didnt want to get into a relationship. Now that we are we both are the happiest we have ever been and are really perfect for each other. He has been and is being more receptive when we talk about his daughter & now that im bringing up things his friends are to and he is kind of starting to see things for what they are and he has been sticking up 4 me to his daughter so she is somewhat seeing that his happiness matters and is important and he is less tolerant of some of her statements

[Taylor-RO]

It sounds like your boyfriend has made a new life for himself @Adrianr29. Hopefully things are able to work themselves out in regards to moving. You mentioned that he sticks up for you.. Do you clash with his daughter? It is great that your boyfriend is listening to you and your concerns. Do you think he might need extra support on how to handle the situation with his daughter? These things are really tough to figure out when you are so involved, sometimes an outside perspective is really handy!

[Adrianr29]

No we don't clash exactly. I was raised firm but with general normal responsibilities.... shoveling snow, doing laundry, cutting grass, dishes etc. She does not do any of those. I think my boyfriend had a big responsibility and no one to go to for advice so now that he is able to ask me or just talk about things he sees things a bit differently. Back to clashing i think some of her behaviors are due to being so used to having her dad to herself and being so spoiled and at the same time she is kind of a bully and does things she knows will make me upset or bother me

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Adrianr29 you and your boyfriend sound really good for each other  It's great to hear that he has you for support when previously he didn't have anyone to go to for advice. While it must be frustrating to see his daughter not take any responsibility or act spoiled, it sounds like you are having a positive influence on your boyfriend. It may be a slow and gradual process, it does sound like you are making progress as you mentioned she is starting to see his happiness matters. What are some suggestions you think would be helpful in this situation that you could discuss with your boyfriend? What is your relationship like with his daughter and are you able to spend more time together? I'm going to tag some members for some further support and advice @Chalke5 @Helpful_Mum @Dad4good @hippy_mum

[Adrianr29]

I really can't thank everyone enough for the support and advice! If i actually laid everything out a to z most people probably would not believe all this is actually going on. His family has a history of mental illness and mine does also so i can understand when he says i know something is not right w her but he uses that as an excuse for her behaviors. Her and i do get along really well but its hit or miss. Sometimes she communicates with one or both of us or not at all. For example he knew she was going with friends last night but didnt ask her where she was going or when shed be home. She doesnt answer his texts or calls ever. He left for work at 5am this morning and she did not come home until 615 am and then left again around 10. Again not saying where she was going. He does not ever punish her for these things. Its frustrating

[Taylor-RO]

No worries @Adrianr29, we are here to provide support. It sounds like a really complex situation but one that has already shown some improvement. It is great that you get along and that is bound to ebb and flow. Are you ever concerned for her safety? I expect that there are still some things you really want to change.. so do you have an action plan for the future?