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Can someone please help me?!

Can someone please help me?!

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Can someone please help me?!

Hi,

So I signed up to this site as an older sister not a mother because my mother does not seem to seek a solution to the problems by 14 year old brother is having.

 

One thing I find an issue is the endless amount of time he spends locked in his bedroom and playing playstation! Maybe it's because my other brother and I were raised with relatively strict rules and were always the last of our family to receive technology. He goes to school, comes home, straight onto playstation and will stay up past 1am on a scool night and not get up until 8.30 in the morning when he starts school at 9. He stays on playstation all weekend, yes he is talking to friends but seriously is this healthy to never get off and interact with your family??? He has recently got a job in fast food and has done 2 shifts a week which is good to have extra social activities and develop more life skills and he also plays touch one night a week, but it is a struggle to force him to leave his playstation and go play with his cousin and friends ! He and mum argue every week about him not wanting to go. Mum always lets him know that he will be letting the team down if he doesnt play but he still refuses.

 

Another big issue that he has is pooing his pants! He has been doing it for years but seriously i cannot fathom how a 14 year old, a teenager ! can feel comfortable sitting with poo in their pants. He has seen counsellors and doctors and all have said that there is nothing wrong with him? like surely he is not just lazy, i cant believe that there is no mental or medical reason as to why a teenager is pooping in his pants. sometimes my other brother or I will find his poo on the floor after the shower, he has no shame leaving his dirty clothes on the floor with evident poo in the undies for everyone to see either? My brother and I are both getting sick of it and are over dealing with it. None of us visit our father because he is hopeless and I think my little brother needs more attention from our mum but she doesnt discipline him as much as i think she needs to. 

 

I have no idea what to do, I've googled his playstation use and his pants pooing but nothing seems to come up. The counsellors and doctors hes seen have said nothing is wrong but he hasnt been to either in a few years now. Mum doesn't look into it as much because she just doesnt know what to do and i guess just hopes hell come out of it. Its been going on for too long now and its not healthy. Can somebody please help me ! Please if you have any advice or can point me in the right direction for advice. If anyone is going through similar with a child or has with their sibilings at some stage, anything will help right now becuase at the moment my family is out of options, were getting desperate!

 

 

 

 

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Re: Can someone please help me?!

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Hi @bstar

 

I'm really impressed that you are trying to help your younger brother. What a great sister! Ok well I will try to help both of you.

 

Strange as it might seem the two problems (excessive video-gaming and faecal incontinence - or soiling) might even be related. Are you able to talk honestly with him about it? Does he feel the urge to go is is he just unaware it's happening until it's too late?

 

People can get so into their gaming that they ignore their bodies' cues: for sleep or food, and that it's time to go to the toilet. Here's something I found on www.nursing.net. I know you said that doctors and psychologists have said there is nothing wrong, but you also mentioned that it's been a few years since he was last assessed. 

 

Soiling

Constipation is a common cause of soiling. If constipation is a problem then medication may be required to clear the bowel and a maintenance dose established to keep stools soft and easy to pass.

 

A routine of sitting on the toilet for 5–10 minutes after meals (after waiting for about 15–20 minutes) will help to encourage regular bowel movements. In time the signals of a full bowel will be recognised by the child as the bowel regains tone but this may take many months or even longer.

 

A varied diet and in between six and eight drinks a day will help to maintain regular bowel function. The young person will need ongoing support and encouragement to ensure that they adhere to this.

 

Referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services may be required if there are any associated emotional or behavioural problems.

 

 

There is also a website called ERIC which deals specifically with continence and has a dedicated teens area where others with similar issues can share their experience.

 

I know it's hard, but please try not to blame your brother. I'm sure he feels a lot worse about the situation than he is letting on.  He needs to be helped to deal with this by a doctor or nurse clinician. This piece sounds a lot like your brother's story.I found it here:

 

When children with functional fecal retention get to be about 6 years old, they begin pretending that there is no problem. They may become secretive about bowel movements, and hide soiled underclothes or even pieces of stool around the house. They deny smelling any stool, even when they have soiled their pants. They deny having the sensation that they have to go. This denial stage can last 6 or 7 years. It is very difficult to treat children who deny that there is a problem, because it is their bottom and there is no way that parents or clinicians can control it.

 

If he is having problems controlling his bowel, then really is it any surprise he doesn't want to go and play with his cousins? I'm surprised that he's managing school, two nights part-time work and touch footie. Does he have soiling accidents at any of those places?

 

You are doing the right thing, your brother needs some expert help. If possible can you take him back to your local doctor for a referral? Or get your mother or father to do so?

 

Let me know next week how you go.

 

 

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Re: Can someone please help me?!

@bstar your brother is luck that you care about him. @Mitzi has shared her knowledge on the issues. I guess that might give you some clue. I would talk to your brother frankly first.

 

Do you know the playstation details? Can he be channeled towards something related but more productive? I am really sorry that I have no knowledge of games but some parents out there might be a player and may provide some solutions.

 

 


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Re: Can someone please help me?!

Hi @bstar,  i'm impressed you are so caring and worried about your brother.  He is very lucky to have you!

 

with that said, I could be wrong but my son when he was younger had that problem with his pants and I felt it was to do with how he was feeling about himself,  like he had no control of the situation.  Yes he was a lot younger, and I had given birth to his younger brother and I think he felt like he did not know where his place in the family was anymore.  So you say that your mum does not have much time for him and your father is hopeless.  Even though he is given more leiencey than you had, that does not equate to how much love or value he feels.  Try to see it from his side, you and your other brother may seem like you are so much more able and in control than him. 

The play station is a place where he can be whoever he wants to be and the friends he has on line cannot really see who he is, just the side that he shows them online.   Does that make sense?   I am only guessing from what you have said.  Have you tried playing the games with him and getting to know what games he really loves?  Maybe he needs someone to be a great friend to him and spend time with him on his terms?

 

I really hope this helps or that you get some help because I am so proud of you reaching out like this!

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Re: Can someone please help me?!

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Hi @bstar,

 

Thanks for joining us here to talk about the concerns you have for your brother. I'd like to preface this post by saying that we can't provide any medical answers or advice here as that would contradict the community guidelines, but it does sounds as if some expert medical advice could be helpful in some of the situations you've described. And as tempting as consulting 'Dr Google' can be, it doesn't deal with the specifics of your family and how your brother feels.

 

What was clear from your post was the level of concern you have for your brother. Particularly, you are concerned about the health of your brother, given that he is often up late and frequently spends his afternoons and evenings indoors. You also mentioned that he plays touch (football?) and has recently begun working. Do you think your brother finds his gaming habits get in the way of his life and relationships, or vice versa?

 

You also mentioned that your brother is often arguing with your mum about going to play sport. Sometimes conflict can arise for a number of reasons but could your brother have other reasons for not wanting to participate? Did he used to enjoy playing sport but doesn't any longer?

 

It sounds like these concerns are causing a lot of frustration, and you are also concerned your mother doesn't have quite the same level of concern to help your brother. Although I do think some level of professional assistance would help, you may also find this article about effective communication with teens to be useful.

 

Please keep us updated with how your brother is doing, and let us know if those resources have been helpful.

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