Complicated life choice on children and family

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Casual scribe

Complicated life choice on children and family

Complicated situation but I will keep it short.
I was married once and we have a 10yo daughter that has had problems in school / social situations / blended family - etc. Visitation is 50/50 and these problems are getting better with psychotherapy but still a lot of issues with blended family siblings.
I remarried with someone who already had 2 children and we had a child together who is now 3yo.
The child from the 1st marriage does not get along with anyone else in house and now I have to make a hard decision -

I can keep my current family, with a partner who cares about me and our daughter with the other 2 children and only have phone calls / ~ 4hr visits maybe 2 days a week with my 1st child
OR
I can separate and see both my kids for ~ 50% of the time and loose my wife in the process.

I would like to hear from someone on this who has had to make a similar choice or just anyone's advice in general to get a feel for what life implications this will have.

Community Manager

Re: Complicated life choice on children and family

Hi @messylife and welcome to RO. That sounds like a really tough position with some big choices ahead of your. There are lots of members here who have had or are having similar situations in their households so I am sure they'll be able to offer you some great insight/advice. 

 

With my limited understanding of the situation in mind I am wondering if it has to be so cut and dry, it sounds like you have built a wonderful home with your new wife and children, with work such as the psycotherapy perhaps you can slowly work on having your daughter from your first marriage as a big part of this 'new' family. It seems like you have already invested a lot on this pathway and it appears to be working albiet slowly.

Contributor

Re: Complicated life choice on children and family

@messylife i am a bit confused here. Your wife cares for you do you care for her? I would say you need to live a happy life first before you can care for your 1st child. 

 


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Founding member

Re: Complicated life choice on children and family

That's a tough situation you're in messylife.

 

Would that I had the magic solution but I don't.

 

It seems to me that for now it's likely best that miss 10 is kept out of the way of your new family. Perhaps you could find a way to have her for a weekend every month or so and go and stay with friend/family/other place but not at your family home. Be creative and try very hard to meet her current needs for your time. Be very aware that she really needs a good relationship with her dad so be creative and talk it over with her. When you're talking things over, remember to treat her as an adult unless/until she proves that she hasn't the maturity. You must ensure that you're OK yourself before you can help anyone else including your kids. My miss 16 also had problems with self image and depression, almost sorted now.

 

My situation was similar except that I didn't have a new child. That in itself might push a few buttons for miss 10. My way was to offer my kids, two, unconditional love and hope and pray that they would accept me and my situation. We went away to stay with family each school holidays and they came to me a couple of evenings each week after school for dinner.

 

Be creative and accept what is offered would be my best advice pal. As time goes on your just being there may pay dividends too, miss 10 wants and needs some stability I expect, so be yourself and just be there.

 

PS I might be entirely wrong so sift out my advice please and I wish you the best of luck in establishing a solid loving relationship with miss 10. Mine is a work in progress with my miss 16 but it's getting better and I'm now fine with my mr 19. Good luck!

Contributor

Re: Complicated life choice on children and family

Hey @messylife how are you doing? Well that's easy, I think your'e very stressed about your home life! Has something happened that you feel you have to make a decision or os it all just wearing you down?

  • has your wife indicated she can't manage the way things are?
  • you say your 10-y-o doesn't get on with anyone in the blended house - does that include you?
  • what's the situation with the 10-y-o's mother - does the child have her own room and no other siblings in that household?
  • what does your 10-y-o want to do, would she prefer every 2nd weeked rather than 50/50?
Casual scribe

Re: Complicated life choice on children and family

So the problem is that the child from 1st marriage does not get along with other kids all the time. He has tried several times to put me against my partner. It is possible that he would get better in time but he may not, his co-parent is very manipulative and does not do well with having to share the child. I felt like I was his only hope at normalcy but since then a therapist is in place and doing better in school. 

I just feel like I am having to choose between the child or my partner and our child together and it looks like most people would choose the partner and other child vs the needs of the older child. 

Community Manager

Re: Complicated life choice on children and family

Hi @messylife,

How have things been recently? You said you felt like Mr 10's only hope at normalcy but that he doesn't get along with the other kids. Are your partner's two kids around the same age as him? Does he ever have to help with care for or play with Miss 3? I could imagine them having different entertainment needs. A friend of mine is in a similar situation and the older child struggles to connect with the young children but comes out of their shell for one-on-one time with his dad or around other adults.

Please let us know how you're doing.