10-29-2020 10:13 PM - last edited on 07-05-2021 12:09 PM by Janine-RO
We were all just going about our business when suddenly I was ringing 000 and gathering my things together and stepping into an ambulance. Yes, sure, she had 2 hospital visits in the last week. Yes I had discovered her self harming habit, when the hospital checked her over. But life has to go on, somehow, or a semblance of it. Yes I now realise that my darling innocent girl has been lying to me and I feel like an idiot for not seeing the extent of her pain earlier. Since the 1st hospital visit, a new her is slowly emerging, a cruelty towards me and a slippery, circus wheel of sliding emotions, scaling up and down before I can take a breath. Hospital and mental health staff are my heroes. The concentrated care, taking on her story, digesting it and considering solutions. We swing from one appointment to the next. The multitude of websites and professionals ready to support and set up safety plans, the numbers to ring 24 hours. But the hours and days in between, where we are at home, when I am acting on my wits, battling her newly emerged contemptuous behaviour and trying to level my emotions, trying to stay calm, but firm. Crying out of sight, by myself, gathering all my strength back together for her to hold on to. It's taking nearly all of me. I feel betrayed and I don't trust her like I used to. I know she's growing up and needs to find herself, this is normal, but not normal is the damage she wishes on herself. As parents, we are responsible for our tiny baby's life from their first breath. Nearly 15 years later she can feed and bathe herself, yet again it's up to me to try to keep her alive, in very different circumstances, and I am met with a resistance that defies logic. And these days are the scariest and most confronting. My girl has become self destructive beast, and the glowering look she gets in her eyes is unnerving. I'm scared at how suddenly a suicide attempt can happen, at how I can't keep my eye on her every second and how she could slip away and end up dead, just like that.
10-29-2020 10:38 PM
Hello @Forty-sumfin, thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry to hear about what you and your family have been through lately, I can't imagine how hard things must be for you. It sounds like you have a lot of support around you, which is really great. I hope that you have been able to discuss these feelings and the recent events with some of these supports. As your post describes something that has recently happened, I just wanted to check in with you about you and your daughters current safety. How have things been going for you and your daughter tonight? Are you concerned about your daughters safety right now?
10-29-2020 10:42 PM - last edited on 10-29-2020 10:58 PM by Sophia-RO
Hi, Thanks for your fast response. Her suicide attempt was last night, and it was lucky it was not lethal. I have to watch her. I am following all her movements, though she isn't moving around much. She will sleep in my room, unwillingly. Her room is upstairs, too far away, and I'm afraid she has harmful implements hidden there. So yes we are on alert.
10-29-2020 10:57 PM
Hello @Forty-sumfin, I am sorry to hear about what happened last night for you. It sounds like things are still quite tough and stressful for you at the moment as you are looking out for your daughter and her safety. You have been so supportive of her needs and it sounds like you are helping to manage your daughters safety. I am wondering if you have had a chance to talk with someone about the recent events and how you have been feeling? If you would feel more comfortable talking with a professional we offer a free one to one parents support service which is available online or over the phone - you can find out more about that here.
11-02-2020 01:22 PM
Hi @Forty-sumfin ,
I just wanted to check in and see how you, and your daughter, are going today? It sounds like it must have been an incredibly stressful and frightening experience for you last week. We are always here if you need to talk.