03-22-2017 07:11 AM - last edited on 03-22-2017 02:10 PM by Ngaio-RO
We are having trouble with our 15 year old daughter whom has become very defiant and selfish. She has always been headstrong since she was little but it has now come to a point where she is threatening to leave because she doesn't get her way. Lies have become part of the norm which us frustrating even more or pushing the blame of to others. She is a very intelligent girl but plays dumb to fit in. I have always gone into bat for her when my husband & I have had arguments about her behavior or there has been other issues but i know longer can do this. She is a well mannered kid & we get compliments for her regularly but at home she is uncooperative, rude, nasty (especially to her younger brother) & defiant its her way or no way. She is never willing to compromise whether its to do with work, house chores or even not being on her phone past a certain time. Even grounding her for lies has back fired to the point where we were away & she was staying with a family member & arrange to have a heap of her friends over there place knowing we wouldnt allow it. We are at out wits end any suggestions of who to talk to for help. We are lost
03-22-2017 10:25 AM
Hello there @Carebear75
I hear your frustration, teens can be so harsh on us, but also on themselves. Do you have any ideas about what is going on for her underneath the angst and lies? It sounds like communication has hit a bit of a wall, which is so upsetting as a parent isn't it?! ReachOut has a good page on family conflict, it might be a good place to check out?
Hang in there! xx
03-22-2017 12:45 PM - edited 03-22-2017 02:57 PM
Welcome @Carebear75 Thanks so much for posting. I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you guys. I can hear how at the end of your rope you are. It's a horrible feeling as a parent to be out of ideas
You might want to consider the ReachOut Parents Coaching. It's free, online and run by professionals from The Benevolent Society. You can focus of specific concerns, like managing your daughter's behaviour at the same time as you improve your communication skills.
TBS have been running this face to face for years and it's resulted in a great number of parents feeling more connected to their teenager. We partnered with them so it can be offerred to parents Australia wide.
If you click here you can check it out and see what you think.
03-23-2017 04:15 PM
@Carebear75 I am sorry to hear about your hard time with your daughter. However, I have to be frank with you that I don't like the words you are using for a 15y: defiant, rude, disrespectful.
We as parents are not saints, we can sometimes act as defiant, rude and disrespectful too. but we certainly don't want to be labeled with these words.
I guess you are really upset but maybe your daughter too? Why not calm down and contemplate the history of your relationship with your daughter and how these words came into the scene.
I think parent couching is a good idea which might help you to understand your daughter who also wants to be respected.
03-23-2017 07:19 PM
I have a 15 year old boy, I totally understand your frustration at the moment. I have found that backing off has really helped my boy's responses, and when I looked at why that was working I realised that I was unintentionally asking more of him than I thought I was. I have also found that asking once and ignoring "no" has made a difference to how I'm feeling (I'm learning that a lot of my kids responses are a direct reflection of how I'm feeling in that moment)
Is it possible for you to take a step back from her and "recalibrate" (for us, it's kind of "ignoring" him, getting out for a walk with the dogs, not engaging with him [hard to do sometimes])?
03-23-2017 08:13 PM
03-23-2017 08:35 PM
03-24-2017 09:43 AM
Dear Carebear, I hear you ! My daughter can be the same . Part of it is teenage kick back as they start to develop their independence and separation from parents as their own identity but they also are still in " me first mode " and do not look at how their actions or lack of affect the whole family system . Some ideas ;
1. Pick your battles , if you are on her back about every little thing that she fails to do she will feel harassed , dig her heels in and get defensive/ belligerent .
2. If you pick a battle , NEVER lose !! Keep your tone the same and repeat it a number of times , if she arks up then tell her if it needs to be done by 5pm or you will turn off the internet for the night or whatever her currency is . Always follow through ! She needs to be able to predict the consequences of her behaviour . You must be consistent .
3. When she does the smallest thing right or you catch her saying / doing something nice to or for others praise her .
4. when things are calm and she is in a good mood , chat to her about her life her friends , your life , funny things that happened to you or someone else in the family .
5 . It's very important to make daily warm connections with her so that she doesn't just know you love and respect her , she FEELS it on a daily basis. If your encounters are all daily negative that is what she will preempt every time you enter her room . ( What the hell does Mum want now ! )
6. Find out if there is any underlying issues with others or with you . If she has unresolved issues with you , own it and apologise for her feeling upset about that . You might not agree with how she sees it , but she has a right to her perception of it and her feelings are real , you don't have to agree with her , and say so , you just need to acknowledge you get she is hurt .
7 . Model what you want from her with her . It does come back , believe me I am evidence- based lol !! Let us know how you go 😊