04-30-2017 10:10 AM - edited 04-30-2017 10:27 AM
This does sound like a very difficult stage in your sons development of his identity and your life as a family unit . The only thing I could add to the already fabulous suggestions is one thing that struck me as perhaps being relevant to this issue trigger and that is the relationship and behaviour went down hill when you gave him a definitive decision on when he could start hormones and/ or surgery . I totally agree with you that counselling has to be the first port of call , my god it's a HUGE life change and assessments over time with a gender transition specialist is imperative !
Of course in his 17 year old brain , he is impulsive , driven by emotions and can't see around corners like we can. What makes perfect sense to us...to him... hmmm . He may feel you really " don't get him" and that you are " blocking him " . If this is possibly the case then approaching him with a " Let's have a re-think about this time frame . I can see this is previous decision is not what you want and it is really affecting you " . Perhaps this previous decision by you as his parent , may be revisited between you , and rather than give him a deadline in the future suggest that there will be no decision made for the TIME BEING , until WE as you and he TOGETHER get well researched , educated , he joins a gender transition group or community and he goes through therapy and ongoing sessions with the psychiatrist . He may feel that he is more empowered by this " open decision " and thus that he has more control over his life choices . It's a subtle shift but an important one as it may give him the incentive to come out of that filfty bedroom and get help . Just an idea if this hasn't already been covered by you 🤔😊
04-30-2017 10:32 AM
Oh @Ngaio-RO I wrote a lengthy response to this and then when I tried to edit it is disappeared !! Argh ! I got a sign saying your post was awaiting moderation ?? Or something . If you can't find it I 'll write it again when I have the energy !!!! 😫
04-30-2017 11:06 AM - edited 04-30-2017 11:08 AM
Hi @mumof3. What a huge challenge this must be for your son and your family ! Wow it must be exhausting ! So sorry to hear that this is happening to you and your precious child . I could not agree more with @taokat and @Ngaio-RO and their great suggestions . Good solid practical advice well done !
My only other suggestion to add to these fabulous tips is :
You mentioned that your relationship and his behaviour went down hill after you had told him there will be no hormone therapy until after he is 18 . Teens can be very short sighted , impulsive , and do not have the ability to predict future consequences . Of course your decision to postpone is in his best interest but they often don't see that ! He may feel you are blocking his choices and treating him like a child who doesn't know himself yet . A year can be a long time in their mind ! Perhaps you may like to revisit that definitive decision with him ? approach it with something like :"
" I know you are feeling very upset and angry at me about my previous decision with regard to your transitioning age . Let's take another look at that . Perhaps we can leave the decision of precisely when for the TIME BEING until we have explored therapy , psychiatrist sessions , educated , researched joined communities together etc The more we empower ourselves the better the transition will be when you do begin " . Make sure this is REALLY clear and get him to repeat to you what he heard you say and what you are agreeing on , because teens have a habit of " alternative facts " when talking about previous conversations . We often get the " but you said..." " Ah no I didn't !!lol 🤔"
. This may help him to FEEL more in control of the " timing " of his life choices , he has a say in the final timeline and thus it may be an incentive to get out of that filfty room and get to the doctor .
Just an idea if you haven't tried this one ! 😁
04-30-2017 01:09 PM
Hi @motherbear sorry you had difficulty in posting! I'm not sure why you got the message that your post is pending approval... again, apologies and thanks for re-writing your thoughtful response. Forum users can edit but not delete posts. Did you want a specific post moved out of this thread?
04-30-2017 05:28 PM
More awesome advice @motherbear!
Your replies autosave, so if you go back to the same message you were responding to, a blue box will show at the top above the message box, asking if you want to load the autosaved message. You do need to go back to the same message in the thread you had initially chosen to reply to. I hope that makes sense! I've used it before when I've needed to go to another topic to get a link I want to use. I had trouble last night, but just pressed the reply button to all messages until I found the one with my autosave lol.
05-01-2017 10:24 AM
05-01-2017 10:38 AM - edited 05-04-2017 12:22 PM
Sorry to bombard you. I just went back and read your first post and felt like I'd missed something.
I didn't make it really clear that his behaviour of scratching you, smashing bowls and throwing phones is absolutely not ok. I think is coming from that perspective too. And it's something I'd hate you to feel is being overlooked or diminished.
Compassion is incredibly important but, if you ever feel unsafe, or if your son starts using physical acts to intimidate you then I strongly recommend contacting the police.
I firmly believe that kids who act out violently are in immense amounts of pain and have lost the ability to articulate their big feeling. It's a lot like self-harm, only externalised. And they feel intense shame afterwards. The best way to stop your son spiralling into that space is to intervene. So you try first with love and if that doesn't work then they need to experience the natural consequence of their actions. If they break the law, the police are called.
Everyone deserves to be happy. But safety is paramount.
I hope you're ok with this.
Let us know how you're doing.
05-01-2017 11:03 AM
Hey there @motherbear I'm Ben and i am usually over in the youth community. I saw you were having trouble though and thought i'd have a look. Seems like unfortunately a filter swallowed your post. I've now fixed that and am trying to determine why on earth it did that in the first place, sorry for the very frustrating experience. Technology can be temperamental at times!
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