Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

[Moloko]

@Zoesplace
Wow yes that sound quite a lot like my daughter. Thanks for the tips.

We had our first backtrack from her last night regarding her ph in the kitchen. She refused...said she needed it for an alarm...we gave her plenty of solutions but none suited her, so what it really came down to is she wanted the ph in her room not an alarm and was breaking her agreement with us. Disappointing as we have had a good week. We said no and gave her consequences if she didnt hand the ph over for charging and after some protest and backchat she put it in the kitchen and was not happy with us. But I know we did the right thing and she will no doubt test us along the way. Dad and I just need to stay united on the same page.

Its great getting everyones feedback on how they deal with similar situations. Its much appreciated.

[Zoesplace]

Good morning @Moloko Yes - my daughter used the alarm as an excuse too.  I went and bought a cheap clock radio alarm from Kmart - which is still in the box unused as she didnt want that.  Her alarm is set for about the same time I wake up, so I now use her alarm to wake me up, (I usually snooze it a few times lol)

This forces me to get out of bed so I can put her phone in her room, so the alarm can than wake her up.  

It has worked brilliantly and it eliminates the excuse of needing the phone overnight, when she really only needs it to wake her up in the morning.  Get your daughter to set her alarm about 5-10 minutes earlier, then when it goes off press snooze, so you have time to put it in her bedroom before the alarm goes off again - then she wakes up with her phone right next to her.  Let me know if that helps? 

[Moloko]

@Zoesplace
Great tip. She is actually up before us most mornings so the alarm was just a try to get ph back in her room. 😂
Before she changed schools I had to drag her out of bed.... new school she is up and ready to go early...she looks forward to going which has been such a nice change.

[taokat]

Hey @Moloko, I've just moved your post to 'Common Concerns'. I'm just wanting to give your post a wider audience and hopefully some more tips from the community.

I think many parents will also gain benefit from your topic  

[Beingme2017]

hi @Moloko how have the last few days been, has your daughter accepted the phone restriction a little easier and being less resisting of it?

It is so hard to fight with them over these things even when we know its for their benefit in the long run. I know theres times I can feel actually fearful of discussing a topic or a boundary because by this age they become SO good at arguing and debating and then flying off the handle.

I am really impressed and motivated by your approach

[motherbear]

Hi @Beingme2017 I love your point about not wanting to bring stuff up with the terrible teen ! My husband and I are very strong minded people but we both avoid being the bearer of bad news to my daughter as we know we will have to pay before we get compliance . My son is easier and as a result the poor kid ends up with more jobs . We really have to be conscious of not being too biased and keeping the jobs equal . 

We even take turns enforcing .  Lol 😂 

[Beingme2017]

hi @motherbear 

yes the "easier" child definitely can get the short end of the straw for being more compliant haha

I suppose in the long run its great that our teens are strong willed and fight for what they want. Its just hard work for us now. But the world needs both kinds of adults -  more compliant, and more combative.

[taokat]

@Beingme2017 and @motherbear, having only one child, I end up being the 'easier' child and jobs don't pan out evenly in our house haha. 

I agree though, that as challenging as it is parenting strong minded kids, in the long run I think it'll serve them well in life. 

I have to admit @Moloko I gave up the phone battle, so I admire your perserverance. It can so disheartening when you've had a good run, then a glitch, but hopefully that's all it was. My daughter likes to push the boundaries every now and then, just to test them out. 

[taokat]

Hey @Moloko, I had a notification that you'd replied, but for some reason your message isn't showing here. Let me see if I can find out what's happened.

[Moloko]

@taokat
I had replied a big long update message but it seems to have disappeared here goes again.

So we have had a bit of a whirlwind, quite emotional last 3 weeks with our daughter.

We don't regret letting our daughter move schools. So far that has been a positive decision. She is so much happier and embracing all of the things that her new school has to offer and exploring new friendships. Its so nice to see her happy. With this though brings a whole new set of challenges for us as parents. At the moment she and her ph are joined at the hip and she is skyping her friends all of the time. We understand how exciting this is for her but its an adjustment for us as parents as we are not used to this new social side of her. Everything seems to be about new friends at the moment, sports and homework seem to be taking a backseat. We are trying to give her space and support to grow these new friendships but also are trying to put some boundaries in place as it seems to be all she is interested in at the moment. Say homework first..then you can skype your friends. She skypes or texts while doing homework which is incredibly frustraiting as shes not putting effort into her homework. Its a battle trying to get her to put the ph down.

The ph boundaries have been a bit of a battle too but the ph goes in the kitchen at night. She pushes us on this every other night saying she needs music or an alarm but we give her solutions to both of those. Shes not happy about it and gets stroppy but the ph goes in the kitchen at night. We have compromised by letting her have it in her room on fri and sat nights. Our phs are in the kitchen at night too.

I also read some great advice that we are trying out. If our daughter is naughty or disrespectful we take the ph away for 3 hours instead of a day or week and we give her the option of earning it back in 2 hours by apologising and doing some jobs. We have only had to do this once and she protested but handed it over and earned it back. I think we have been too easy on her in the last few weeks letting her adjust to new school and friends and to be honest scared to to put new boundaries in place because we don't want to upset her....the self harm scared us so much that we dont want to upset her for fear she may do it again but at the same time she needs these boundaries. Its a hard line to try and find the balance and we are struggling a bit with this.

I also wanted to mention how right you are about looking after ourselves. I broke down a week ago after a conversation with my daughter...it didn't go well and she was disrespectful and hurtful with her words. The things she said I would normally brush off but this time it really upset me and I think everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks just hit me. I took myself away and spent the day working through my emotions...hubby looked after the kids. My daughter saw how upset I was and apologised and we talked properly. I usually don't let my children see me upset but I thought this time it was important for her to see how her words and behaviour had impact. Im talking to friends for advice and this forum has been the best.

Since then we have been pretty good...she is happy at school and we talk about her day and new friends but her relationship with her dad is really strained at the moment. They had a big bust up last night and said hurtful things to each other...it broke my heart to see dad so upset and to see our daughter backchat him so disrespectfully. My husband is quite shouty naturally and I don't think he realises he comes across as quite angry/blunt when thats not his intention and that esculates into an argument. I have been really working on myself and trying to stay calm when talking to the kids and not shouting or losing my temper and its made things a lot calmer at home. But I need hubby to do the same....hes so upset at the moment as he feels like he is walking on egg shells with our daughter and any convetsation he tries to have with her ends in an argument and I can see how much this upsets him and my daughter thinks its all his fault. Im trying to support both he and our daughter but it is straining our relationship...I can see how sad and upset he is at her behaviour at the moment. I think sometimes he would rather stay at work than come home🙁that upsets me.

The backchat/no filter and having to get the last word in is still a big problem with our daughter. She can be the most amazing loving girl but also the most disrespectful at times too and she says things that are just rude and disrespectful. This is my big challenge with her at the moment, teaching her to think before she speaks....any advice?
I am setting new boundaries today around homework and attitude to try and improve things. Homework to be done straight after school...no ph until its done...im expecting some push back with this and also if she talks to us in a disrespectful way she loses ph for an hour...hopefully this might help teach her to stop and think before she speaks or rolls her eyes. I know a lot of this is somewhat normal teen behaviour but it feels like its x10 when you have a strong willed/spirited child. I adore her so much but it wears me down some days.

It has helped so much writing everything down and getting your feedback,advice and support. I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply with advice or support. Thank you! I will continue to update with our successes and our challenges as we move along.