09-04-2017 07:51 PM
@Moloko hope you had a good weekend
Your kids are very similar age gap to mine interestingly. Mine are 2 years and 10 mths.
My daughter used to love bossing her brother around and at times still does which of course he hates. He doesn't need two mothers! At 13 he thinks he doesn't need one haha
10-18-2017 07:10 AM
10-18-2017 02:45 PM
Hey @Moloko Thanks for the update. You're doing an amazing job! It's so great to hear that things have improved for you both.
Have you ever heard the term 'progress, not perfection'? I don't know its source but it gets around. The idea is that we strive for things to improve rather than be perfect.
The reason I'm mentioning it is, I know that often in my parenting I can get sidetracked with wanting everything to be perfect. So my teenager and I will move through some major issue and then I want her to stop being rude when she's tired or to remember to text me straight after school or whatever. And two things can happen as a result, first I don't take time to enjoy and acknowledge the massive effort we've just made and second, my daughter feels like I'm never going to be happy with her.
It doesn't mean that what my daughter is doing is ok or that I'm overreacting, it's more about me remembering that it's ok to have times between 'work' where everyone can just relax a bit.
Does that make sense?
10-29-2017 09:43 AM
10-29-2017 11:24 PM
Hi @Moloko, I'm sorry to hear you've had one of those bad days. I really love what @Ngaio-RO said, as it is something I realise I do - after the apology and talk, I then expect my daughter to NEVER do it again or say what she's said again. Then I feel really upset when there is a glitch. When I can ride with it, let the words bypass the heart, I find it much easier to cope.
Having said that, it's much harder to do, especially when our batteries already need charging. I've been finding it hard lately too with the back chat and attitude. I think you're doing the right thing in standing firm with your consequences. They do get pushed as our kids are testing the strength of the boundaries - particularly when they're strong willed kids.
I'd suggest still seing a family counsellor, even if your daughter won't go. You and your partner could still benefit hugely. I had help on my own when my daughter refused to see anyone, and I honestly feel it was the best thing I've done. Have you looked at the Parent Coaching through ReachOut?
You're doing an awesome job. It's so exhausting and emotionally draining, and it's normal to feel so overwhelmed when the breaks between outbursts aren't that far apart.
10-30-2017 09:16 AM
11-06-2017 01:38 PM
Hey @Moloko, I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner!
That's fantastic that you were able to use some of the tips here. And what a great result with your daughter - compromise is so underrated! haha
Hurt takes time to get over and my daughter still gets upset over friendship issues that happened years ago. Getting to a point of being able to read the signs and walk away is huge! Acknowledging the growth kinda helps me deal when I'm thinking things are backtracking. It helps me keep things in perspective. My daughter's explosive too - and on the flip side her good moods are high energy too. It can be hard to not react to the explosion, and the less we have in our own tank adds to that difficulty I've found.
I think being o/s would make it difficult for the coaching as you speak with the coach over the phone. I know we've talked early on and I did know you were o/s, but it slipped my mind. I do apologise.
It's been a week or so now. How have things been with your daughter?
11-06-2017 01:54 PM
11-06-2017 07:55 PM
They do sound very similar @Moloko! And I'm stoked to hear you've had such a good week, that's awesome!
Knowing how beautiful they are as individuals makes me think how unhappy they must be in themselves at times they explode the way they do at times. Seeing the difference it makes staying calm, listening to them, and showing we appreciate who they are I think does so much for their feeling and sense of self.
Your daughter's so lucky to have a such a fantastic mum. I hope you take the time to give yourself a pat on the back.
I'll find out about the coaching for you. I don't think they've done it for anyone o/s before but I'll certainly ask and get back to you