04-06-2018 11:13 PM
Hey @Moloko, I've been thinking about you and wondering how things have been going with you and your daughter? I hope things have improved, but I know the road's full of potholes, so please reach out if there's any support we can offer you.
06-19-2018 11:14 AM - edited 06-19-2018 11:58 AM
So sorry it has taken me so long to reply. The last 6 months have been up and down
Our daughter seems to have settled in at school, she doesn't like school but she goes and has found some subjects she is really enjoying. She still wants to be with her friends but seeing as she cannot she has settled and made some friendships with people in her class which is great.
Her grades are all over the place but she assures us she is trying and we can see this in the classes she likes. Her reports are not amazing but they are not worrying either. I think she is doing the bare minimum she has to and is doing ok, if she actually studied and tried she would be doing even better.
She has agreed to get help with her anxiety and is seeing someone each week. I think it is helping. She is taking away some insightful information and even though she protests about going she goes every week and she knows it is her choice. I am really proud of her for making this decision to go. I have learnt to not push her for information about her sessions. If she wants to talk about them she will and if she doesn't thats ok too. Some weeks she will talk to me about her session and other weeks she says nothing.
She still is struggling with friendships. She can be confrontational and defensive and it can cause trouble/arguments in her friend group....also social media! wow! there is no hiding on there is there, kids today seem to screen shot your message and send it on. She is learning to filter what she says a bit but sometimes she speaks before the thinks and this can cause dramas, but to be honest there seems to always be dramas in this age group and this friend group.
I have learn't to step back a lot this year and allow her to manage herself and her school work and friendships. This has been pretty hard to do but has worked out really well and our relationship is stronger. I have been listening more and just stepping back and giving her some of the independence she craves. I let her know I do this because I trust her and trust the decisions she makes and she has been pretty honest about things and will ask us rather than go behind our backs. I think its very important to give an independent child independence but still have those boundaries...it's a hard balance to find. We have to just trust we have given her the right tools and she will make the right decisions and if she makes a mistake we will always be there to help and support her.
We hardly fight these days which is great. I see my daughter as such a kind and smart and gorgeous person and it pains me that she struggles still with friendships and girls can be so immature and nasty at this age and like the drama. We have shared a few tears over friendships this week. I am not sure that her friends are the right friends for her, there always seems to be one of the group that is on the outs. When my daughter stuffs up by saying something she shouldnt have she is turned on by the girls but its ok for them to say nasty stuff about her. It breaks my heart and you want to step in but these are her lessons to learn about friendships and how to manage them.
I have learned that when you guys say make sure you look after yourself - you need to do this! I have had anxiety issues this year that I have never experienced before. It's knocked me down big time but I have been making sure I get the right help and do the things I need to do to keep strong.
I hope all is well with you taokat.
06-22-2018 05:54 PM
Hey @Moloko, never a need to apologise! I'm so glad you've taken the time you needed and I felt so much relief for you reading your post. I know how things can be up and down, but it sounds like the ups are more common than the downs, and that your relationship with your daughter is really strong - that in itself can be a game changer for us! Thank you so much for the update and for sharing what is working for you. Your love for your daughter just shines through and you've reminded me that I need to take a step back and not allow my fears or worries interfere with how I parent - something I've struggled with lately.
Friendships can be so troublesome can't they? My daughter has the same issues - she doesn't always have a filter on what she says! It's also heartbreaking knowing their friends aren't good for them. I can only hope that things will settle with age and maturity and I hope the same for your daughter too. Listening without getting involved as a mum is hard, but as you say, friendships are something our kids need to learn to manage - and with our independent kids I'm sure that's what they want for themselves too.
I'm so happy to hear you've been benefiting from support for yourself. It really does make a difference and keeps us better able to manage overall. It's so taxing in more ways than one and I find getting the right help allows me to maintain hope and the belief that I've got this!
You're doing a fabulous job and your daughter is so lucky to have such a caring, patient and insightful mum
07-25-2018 09:07 AM
08-09-2018 09:44 PM
It’s lovely to hear from you @Moloko and it sounds like things are generally going well which is great.
Choosing the battles is a big one isn’t it! My daughter’s not studying at all at the moment and she becomes very defensive as well if I raise the issue, so instead I talk about choices and the responsibility we must own for our choices and the outcomes. We can’t force them at this age, but I feel with that, my daughter needs to be aware about cause and effect.
We can only hope that when things align for our girls that they’ll find the motivation to fulfill their potential.
Friendships are so tough at this age and I know what you mean about not wanting to place judgement on her friends. I love the way you’re dealing with it and talking about what a good friend is. It’s such an important life lesson and fantastic that your daughter has begun realising for herself. It’s a great lesson about relationships in general I think.
My daughter wouldn’t see a counsellor for years but got to a stage where she decided she wanted to, so hopefully your daughter will come around to that as well. She may very well feel she’s not understood or as you say, not ready to hear what she’s being told. We saw numerous counsellors all to no avail, and then funnily enough my daughter chose to go back to the first counsellor she’d seen. It’s never too late and possibly for now your daughter’s at capacity for self help intake with lessons she’s currently learning.
I had a laugh at your comment about being proud of your daughter’s insight at times, and at others wondering where you went wrong! I can totally relate to that! How can there be such a huge gap between the two sometimes??! 😂 These years are baffling sometimes!
I’m so glad you have wonderful supportive friends, it makes such a difference to how we manage. Keeps us sane!
My daughter’s had some tough struggles recently and things are up and down. She seems to be doing well and then things can change in an instant. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster but she’s learning every day. Thank you for asking 😊
I’ll keep in touch, and in the meantime thinking of you and hoping your daughter continues moving forward
11-26-2018 09:38 PM - edited 11-26-2018 09:56 PM
11-26-2018 10:37 PM
Hi @Moloko it's fantastic that you've seen such growth and change regarding your daughter and school. This is a hard time I think for any parent with boundaries, particularly with social media and friendships. I think just remember that when other parents talk about how wonderful their teens are, I would say that they may be sharing the highlights rather than the struggles. Try not to get to caught up by this
With regards to boundaries, have you talked about clear consequences for your daughter when she moves outside of them? If not maybe sit down and talk to her about what she thinks the consequences should be?
11-27-2018 01:27 AM - edited 11-27-2018 01:31 AM
11-27-2018 01:55 PM
You're right in that it can be hard to stop comparing ourselves to others. Do you ever share your struggles or advice with these other parents?
From reading through your thread, I can tell you are a wonderful parent to your daughter. Messaging your daughter can definitely be a great alternative when having a verbal conversation is a struggle. You mentioned that it's impacting the whole family, have you spoken to them about how your daughter has been affecting them?
12-02-2018 10:24 AM - edited 12-02-2018 10:25 AM
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