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Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

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Prolific scribe

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

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Hey there @Moloko,

 

I'm sorry to hear about the fight between you and your daughter, the start of school can definitely be a difficult time for parents and kids. Friendships especially can be challenging as sometimes friends and relationships change from positive ones into negative ones. 

I just want to make sure I've understood, is the new friendship group the ones who are spreading rumors about your daughter? 

 

It can be really hard to help kids make the right choices and develop good friendships. ReachOut has an article on friendships that may have some ideas to help your daughter. There is also another article on recognising bad friendships that may also be helpful to you. What do you think?

 

 

I'm also going to tag in some other users for their support Smiley Happy @taokat @sunflowermom @Happy @Schooner @compassion @Faob_1 

Prolific scribe

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

@Jay-RO
Thanks for those, I will give them a readSmiley Happy
It was her old friends that she heard were saying things. She has confronted them about it but they are denying it. We had big talks after our fight and hugs and I actually sent her a message telling her how much I loved her and was proud of her and I think she appreciated that. Just letting her know I'm always there for her no matter what.
I have suggested if she is wanting to leave her friends to try and do it in a civil amicable way to try and avoid any conflict. Also explained sometimes we outgrow certain people and it's ok to move on and to try and surround herself with people that make her feel good about herself.
It's a tough age huh, all I can do is keep listening.
Parent Community Champion

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

Hi @Moloko 

I totally understand what you mean that sometimes its hard to parent a strong willed teen.  I know when school rolls around there is always added stress and friendship squabbles especially in teen girls.  I think if they can even have one good friend to confided in that they are doing great.  My daughters best friend goes to another school and they still keep in touch.  I think social media adds so much more stress on teen friendships.  I agree with you that your daughter needs friends that make her feel good about herself and don't gossip.

Sometimes as parents all we can do is be there for the fallout and let them know we are here.  Sometimes we get the brunt of their frustration but we love them through it all.  You sound like a very caring and loving mom, you have a strong relationship with your daughter and that will help her through this tumultuous time.

Scribe

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

You are not alone, we have many similarities in our family dynamics, with our 15 year old daughter, keep doing what you are doing and don't give up, at least you are trying rather than giving up or not even caring ☺️

Mod

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

Thanks for that support and welcome to the forums @Buster01. You are so right in that trying and caring is really important. Please feel welcome to create your own post if you would like to share your story Heart

Prolific scribe

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

Wow what a difference 6 months and some counseling makes! We were in not a great place in the beginning if the year. It took a a massive let down from my daughter's closest friend to make my daughter ask for counseling. And it has made the hugest difference in her learning about herself, understanding herself. So much positives and lessons to tell about our journey over the last 8 months.
Mod

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

That's really amazing to hear @Moloko ! It's lovely to know that counselling was such an effective tool for your daughter, and that improved her wellbeing so much.

Thank you for sharing such great news! Smiley Happy
Scribe

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

Very much feel for you..a sensitive and kind hearted young teen you have there by the sounds of it.. have you been to her doctor with her? Does she have a counsellor? Well-being officer at the school, family friend, Auntie? that she can talk to.. Do you have a counsellor as the parent .. easy to get a mental health plan ... pick your battles ... you may not worry too much about the swearing at the moment.. it’s not ok and particularly if she has siblings.. however some battles can wait... focus on the bigger issues .. hope that helps x
Prolific scribe

Re: Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

Thanks ,
Yes she is a sensitive and very empathetic young person, but also highly spirited and fiesty and determined. Hard to parent some days, but those are some amazing qualities that I know will help make her an amazing adult that will succeed in anything she puts her mind to.
The thing I am most proud about her this year is her personal growth, I hear it in the way she talks with me, setting out her goals for her future and reflecting on her past and the lessons she has learned. It is wonderful to listen to her talk about these things and she says everything she has been through is helping her become the person she is, which she is really starting to like, again so wonderful to hear her insight about herself.
We do have a fantastic counselor that she has been seeing for the last 6 months. She had her last season this month and has a check in one next feb when school goes back and she is in place should my daughter need to see her. Her dean at school is AMAZING. I had a chat to her about where things are at with my daughter and the support we have put in place and she just said what can I do to help. She sees my daughter and gets her which is all I can ask for.
The thing about counseling I read on this site - and it's so very very true - is you cannot force your child into going, they have to want to go willingly. We made our daughter go last year and she is super clever and just told the counselor what she wanted to hear so no progress was made, it seemed like a waste of time. Then my daughter was experiencing anxiety and sad days where she just didn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone and just and just not in a great place, pushing boundaries not in a good way. We were quite worried about the path she was heading down. She opened up to her closest friend and that friend basically ended their friendship because she said it was toxic and she is all about happy positive things and my daughter was being negative and I dont think she had the emotional maturity or emotional intelligence to be there for my daughter in the way she needed so it was easier for her to just end the friendship not realising the damage it would do. This broke my daughters heart and damaged her a lot. I knew something was wrong but you can't force them to tell you. She did however realise she was in a quite dark place and asked to see a counselor. Her counselor has helped her understand these things and helped her learn a lot about herself to which I am so grateful. My daughter opened up so much to her this time round and wanted to understand what was going on with herself. I have worked with her counselor to put support in place for her at home to help her with her not great days, which are getting less and less now.
She has reconnected with a friend this year at school and their friendship is healthy and fun, her friend supports her because she gets it and my daughter supports her friend who is going through some similar things, they support each other which I am so proud of, they are both wonderful young girls. They are moving away from the friends that bring them down and trying to build each other up and they are excited for school next year.
It's been a big year! I know we still have a long way to go, we have had some really tough times this year, where you feel completely helpless as a parent but we have also had some huge emotional growth, both of us. I have learned to just listen. Not throw in my opinions as that just makes my daughter shut down. I have learned to just support her, pick my battles and trust we have put in the groundwork and she will make good decisions but if she stuffs up, its not the end of the world, we all stuff up. Just have to be their to help them back up and learn from it. By doing this, it has made our relationship stronger and she talks to me about most things, because she knows I won't flip out, I try to just listen and be understanding. For me it's about helping her make good decisions for herself, not making those decisions for her, taking away her choices, if I did that she would completely rebel and shut down. I am constantly learning myself how to parent her, the way that works best to bring out the best in her and build her up.
That's our journey so far. We are in a good place at the moment and have things in place should we need them. I am so grateful for the support and advice on this page and the support my closest friends have given me.
I hope this post helps other parents going through similar things with their child.