07-02-2018 11:53 AM
Hi @Ashestogolddust, my pleasure and I'm glad you found the links helpful. I'm thinking your daughter will have her appointment this week, so I hope that can provide some help for your daughter too. My daughter came home on Friday and things have been good so far but not pushing as I'm told this can be a very sensitive time. We've both had medication increases as well, so just taking things slowly for the moment.
Did your daughter get to the gym with you on Friday? That will be so good for you both if she is willing. My daughter spends most of the time in her room, but will come out when she wants to talk or be in front of the heater. I don't worry so much now as this is the age where they do pull away from us and want more independence. It's not cool to do things with mum. I take hope from others that she will grow out of this stage and will not live the rest of her life in there! My daughter writes, watches movies, goes on social media etc to fill in her time in there. Do you know how your daughter keeps occupied in her room? Knowing that my daughter is still interacting with friends eases my mind, and keeping in mind that I also like my own company helps me understand her seeming isolation better.
The community is here to support you and I'm so happy you've gained benefit from sharing and getting things off your chest - it really can be a huge help to get our thoughts out to others who understand
07-05-2018 01:40 AM - last edited on 07-05-2018 10:23 AM by taokat
@taokat. Thanks for your concern. Yes just taking each day one at a time. We went out that Friday and were both exhausted so didn't go to d gym. We however went out shopping for stuff for her prom. She is very forcy with what she wants, but thank God, we got there in d end. She has now left for her prom which is tonight. Having a sleepover at her friend's afterwards.
Her appointment is next Thursday.
How is your daughter doing? I hope u are able to relate well when she comes home to visit.
I have just come from my daughter's room and found items that could be used to self harm. The very demons we have been fighting. Should I confront her when she returns? How do I do this?
Its a bit of a downer for me today. Thought I got rid of all of them. I really want to clear out, clean and rearrange her room which I have been nagging her for days about. Is this a good decision?
Kindly advise please.
07-05-2018 01:43 AM
07-05-2018 01:48 AM
07-05-2018 10:34 AM
Hi @Ashestogolddust, spending time together is positive no matter what it is, so shopping for the prom is great. I hope she has the best time and you make the most of a night off!
I'm so sorry to hear about your latest finds, I can imagine you must be upset and worried. I used to search my daughter's room for anything she could use to self harm and would just remove the items. I didn't raise it with her, I'd just let it go to avoid drama. Things would keep showing up and quite ingenious things too, but I'd just get rid of them while she was at school or out.
I'd check with your daughter before rearranging her room. They like things the way they do and she will likely feel it's an invasion of her privacy if you do that without her okay. With the cleaning, maybe just let her know that if she doesn't clean up her own room, and give her a reasonable timeframe to do so, that you will be doing it for her. That way she knows you'll be in her room. If you find items in that scenario I'd probably talk with her about how she's feeling and why she feels the need to have those items in her room. Try to remain calm and non-confrontational as that will get her back up and likely not end well.
How does that sound to you?
07-05-2018 11:28 AM - last edited on 07-05-2018 10:48 PM by taokat
@taokat. Thanks for your advice. Yes from the photos I have received she looks like she is having a good time. She looked very happy. Will be picking her up tomorrow. It was nice to see her wear a sleeveless dress despite her scars. Made me proud of her bravery.
On the bedroom clearing issue. Sorry to disappoint you, I just couldn't resist, especially after what I found in her bag. I have spent the past 4hrs 40mins cleaning up her room. I was also secretly checking for answers, clues that can help me save my daughter. Though sadly I found some more items that could be used to self-harm, I do feel I got my answers and clues which I have been searching for this past years since I found out about her self harming. She has been wanting to lose weight and setting ridiculous targets. This has put a lot of pressure on her and caused her a lot of frustration. This she takes out on her self both in writing and physically.
I do agree with you that though the room looks immaculate and now smells like roses, she may not be happy with me. I just wouldn't have been able to sleep right thinking about what more she could be keeping in there. I have taken away her weighing scale too, from my findings she weighed herself constantly and was paranoid about it, hence her moodiness and frustration.
It must be a lot of pressure for her young heart and I feel for her. I won't confront her with my findings as advised, instead will see how we can work together to maintain her fabulous shape instead of harming herself and hating herself.
Say a prayer for me.
07-05-2018 02:07 PM
Hi @Ashestogolddust , I am so sorry to hear all of this happening.
It must be heart-breaking and so worrying to find those items, and to fear for your daughter's health.
You obviously care for and love your daughter deeply, and sometimes it can be really hard to know what to do.
I echo all that @taokat has said, and to reiterate that you're doing the best that you can.
Getting as much support as you can for yourself, will help you to stay healthy and well while you take all of this on.
I think it's a great idea to approach the situation as a team, and look for ways that you can both work together to overcome the triggers and anxieties that your daughter is dealing with. Being able to get behind and support any support that your daughter is interested in accessing is a good way to go as well.
Also just wanted to let you know, that we have edited some of your posts to keep to our guidelines. These guidelines ask that members don't post any specific methods of self-harm, or details about weight-loss strategies or numbers and are there to protect other members or readers of the forum.
Let us know how everything goes with your daughter, we are all here to listen and support.
07-05-2018 11:36 PM
Hey @Ashestogolddust, that's awesome to hear your daughter's enjoying herself. It's always such a warm feeling when they're with friends and happy.
Please don't feel like you've disappointed me. We are simply here to offer suggestions and to share what has and hasn't worked with our teens. You are the parent and whatever we do as parents has to work for us too. At least you are starting from a clean slate now, and have a better idea of what to look for in your searches.
I think that's a fabulous idea to work together to find solutions. There is a helpful resource here on communication, and one here on self harm, and one here on body image, eating disorders and teens that I thought you might like to read moving forward with your daughter.
It's so clear how much you love your daughter and, as with all of us, are doing the best you can, as @gina-Ro said. Your words show you have a lot of insight into your daughter and compassion for her. You just want to keep your girl safe and see her content with herself, and as a parent you're not alone in that
07-06-2018 01:11 AM
07-06-2018 09:59 PM
It’s my pleasure @Ashestogolddust! I’m so relieved to hear your daughter was thankful you cleaned her room. High five Mum!
You know, I always wondered why my daughter never confronted me about removing items from her room and have considered that maybe she was grateful to have me quietly vigilant in my efforts for her? Who knows. Teens can be so predictable yet unpredictable at the same time!
How did you go with the reading material? I always feel way more confident talking with my daughter when I’m better equipped with knowledge and understanding around what’s happening for her.
Thinking of you and hoping you find the right time to chat with your girl. We’re here to support you if things don’t go so well, and to celebrate the wins with you.