04-27-2018 08:47 PM - last edited on 04-27-2018 09:00 PM by Erin-RO
Hi :-) I’m back again … how does everyone who has contact with the Dept of Child Services, Investigation and Assessment branch cope? Do you find them helpful? Do they leave you feeling if they know how to do their jobs at all? I got a phone call yesterday to say my niece has disclosed to a youth worker allegations that a boy in her year level at school sexually assaulted her. While we are her legal guardians DoCS have custody of her until May 17th unless the order is extended. Instead of them calling the school to tell them I was told it was my place to do it … as she isn’t living with us I don’t know how she went at school today. However her return to school assessment meeting that was supposed to be in 4 weeks time is now first thing Monday morning. Her time at school is extremely restricted. She is not allowed at school for form class, lunch time, 4th period or after school. If the boy she has accused did what she has alleged then the school as well as the boy need to be held accountable. If it’s not then she needs to be held accountable for potentially ruining a young mans life. I have no idea when her escalation in behaviour is going to stop … if what she has said is untrue then I’m left wondering if on Monday they will ‘cancel her enrolment’ or in everyone’s normal terminology expel her.
Today we had our very first day of a course we are doing called Circle of Security. Our oldest child is 39, our youngest 22, the we have my niece who just turned 15. We have 7 altogether including my niece. Listening to the other parents share their experiences has brought home to us how unsafe my niece is to be around. Not just to us but the other people she comes in contact with. I found out today that the reason her co-tenant didn’t press charges when my niece assaulted her was because she was too scared to she was frightened about how my niece would retaliate
04-27-2018 09:06 PM
Hi @jdbza I can certainly understand why you would need to vent. It sounds like you're trying to navigate a really difficult situation. Just as a note, I did edit one part of your post which was perhaps on the borderline of being a bit triggering. I hope you can understand.
Are you talking with anyone at the moment, like a counselor or helpline?
04-27-2018 09:40 PM
Thank you Erin-RO sometimes it’s tricky figuring out the best way to word what to say We have a family therapist we’ve been talking to and we have been told we need to really wait until the meeting on Monday before doing anything more … there are times when keeping it inside my head is hard and there are very few people I can talk to about what is going on.
04-27-2018 10:22 PM
Hi @jdbza, I can understand how frustrating this must be for you. So did you contact the school and set up the meeting for Monday? Unless your niece changes what she has disclosed, surely the school wouldn't finalise an investigation by the meeting on Monday? It is very surprising that DoCs wouldn't have any interaction with the school over such a serious allegation. I'd be feeling the same way you are as it doesn't seem logical does it?!
It's great you're doing the Circle of Security course. It gave me a greater understanding as to why my daughter was behaving the way she was, and what she needed from me. Another fantastic one I did after that was the Triple P parenting course. It's designed for parents or carers of teens and after doing the CoS course it really makes sense, increases understanding of the teenage brain and offers practical communication techniques.
With the girl, is this the one your niece assaulted after she was bullied by her or a different girl? I so hope with help your niece can learn other ways to manage her emotions so that she is safe for herself and others.
Hang in there, and remember you are always welcome to vent! Best of luck for the meeting on Monday.
04-27-2018 10:29 PM
No worries at all @jdbza I totally understand that it can be hard to figure out what to say and that's why we're always here to help
That's great that you're engaging with a family therapist, I just wonder if seeing someone yourself, might give you the space to be able to focus on you and your self-care and to really be able to vent if you need?
04-28-2018 07:16 AM
Hi @taokat No, I didn’t contact the school to set the meeting up. They emailed us as well as DoCS and the house manager of where she is currently living. I’m glad someone else besides me thinks DoCS response doesn’t make sense.
Yes we have completed the Triple P programme a few years ago and it did make a huge difference and we still use the principals we learnt with our kids and 2 grandchildren.
The girl that she assaulted is a different one. Last year was when she coward punched the girl you are referring to. Since she has left our care she punched a brick wall to get out of a maths test/exam, assaulted the same girl twice during a 3 day period and punched her co-tenant in the back of her head at the top of her spine. It is her co-tenant who didn’t have her charged as she was afraid of the consequences.
04-28-2018 07:34 AM
Hi @Erin-RO I see the therapist for sessions by myself. I do have a clinical psychologist who I have been seeing for over 5 years. She is currently on leave and when she is back at work I will go and see her. It is because of the skills she has taught me that I try to use each day that I have made it relatively intact during the last 2 -3 months. My health is not the best and stress is a major trigger. It is something my clinical psychologist has been working with me to teach me skills to be able to recognise when I’m stressed and activities I can do to reduce the levels.
04-30-2018 09:07 PM
You have so much to deal with @jdbza, that's awesome you see someone for yourself who's been able to teach you coping skills during such tough times. It really makes a difference.
The violence and poor behaviour isn't okay but I can understand that your niece must be so lost and her worth unknown to her after all she's been through. I also fully understand how difficult it is to raise a teen who is violent and I so admire your unconditional love and determination to show your niece she is loved and wanted.
Thinking of you
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