Just questioning my role as parent

[Lucy72]

Please, no bashing. My dd came out as gay at 14. We gave her love and acceptance. Our love is unconditional. She is now 17. Since then she has been gay, bi, and pan. She has dated a couple girls, 1 boy, and 1 trans boy. All relationships were long ago and very quick. Nothing deep. Her most recent crush was a boy. He rejected her and she cried and immediately stated “we’ll, I guess I’m gay again!” I just gave her my love, told her that my heart had been broken many times too,etc. There is this part of me that wants to tell her that I don’t think it works that way but then I think maybe it does for her. I’m torn. I don’t want to say the wrong thing so I say nothing but I hate to see her hurting and I am her mom. I feel like she is very lonely and she has actually said as much. Before this recent crush she actually told me that she wished she had never said she was gay because no one will ask her out now. She will be going to college soon and I feel like I should reach out to her and tell her that if she is indeed not gay and wants boys to ask her out that she should maybe not shout out that she is. I’m just really torn. I know this is her life and her path but she is still a child and I am her mother. Should I keep my mouth shut? I hate seeing her so lonely. Anyone with any insight?

[PapaBill]

Hi @Lucy72 

One of the hardest thing about having our children grow into adults is releasing we have to accept the choices they make.. Especially the ones we would not make in the same situation.

I applaud your comment that "Our love is unconditional" as all parents love should be.  This doesn't mean we love all behaviours but it is our role to unconditionally love our children.

It sounds like your daughter is struggling to with relationships, which is not unusual for a teen.

For her to understand what she really wants from a relationship.takes time and often several tries before they realise what they want.  

Saying “we’ll, I guess I’m gay again!” because a boy broke her heart sounds like she really doesnt know what she wants and is reacting to what others say and do.  I would suggest you offer your unconditional love and get her to think about herself.. what she wants.. what makes her happy.  

Only when she begins to understand herself will she be able to explain who she is to others, and unfortunately using labels on people really IMHO makes things worse not better.

To your question whether to "reach out to her and tell her that if she is indeed not gay and wants boys to ask her out that she should maybe not shout out that she is.".  If I read that and slightly paraphrase and expand it comes out as "when you work out what your want be true to that".

It sounds like you are a good mum... Keep loving and talking with your daughter !

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Lucy72,

It sounds like you really care about your daughter and her wellbeing. Sexuality is such a diverse topic, and can often be thought of as a spectrum of feelings and attraction. 

@PapaBill has provided some excellent advice already, one of the best things you can do is listen and be open. ReachOut also has a great list of articles over here that may be helpful for you in talking to your daughter about her sexuality. 

I hope things are going well between you both