Just so sad/lost/confused regarding my teen

[my2kidsrock]

I don't even know where to begin, or what to say.  First off, my almost 16 year old is so fantastic, cool, loving, and my world.   He has always suffered from axiety and perfectionism for as long as his dad and I can think of.  Even as a toddler we couldn't change their bedroom around without an anxiety attack.  In the summer he was diagnosed with high anxiety, we started meds and they seemed to help(but also came suicidal thoughts)...fast forward, he starts High school, comes out as non-Binary and a lesbian(oh cool, dad and I are on board, just keep being a good person), complete change in looks, no worries, then he comes to us and says that he is trans- again, awesome, we love you, keep being a good person.  he seems very comfortable as a male, we thought things were looking fantastic, but now I can not recognize him- I mean mentally.  Since December he started to self harm, he trying to steal some wine that we had sitting in our basement that we had bought for a gift(we don't even drink), everything he says seems to be him needing or wanting a reaction, he says he can not feel anything, and just wants to feel.  We tried a couple of psychologists and he wouldn't open up but he said that he is open to talking now, and we found a new person and I am praying that it helps.  

He had such a stable household- Dad and I have been very happy for 23 years together, we are always laughing as a family, he rarely sees any conflict, we have open communication, I run a dayhome so that I could be here for my kids when they needed me,  I'm lost as to what I have done wrong, I am so far from perfect but man, this kid has been loved, and shown love.  He was isolated from friends and school during covid restrictions( for 1.5 years) and I know that is a good portion of where it comes from)

Anyways, I was having a pity party- all i want is for my kid to be happy, and healthy, and ready to live life.  My heart just hurts for him

Thanks for letting me get this out

[Monique-RO]

Hi @my2kidsrock, thank you for sharing - it sounds like you have so much love in your home and want the very best for your son. You've been extremely supportive in his decision to find himself and for a young person, that can make a huge difference in how they feel within the world. As parents, it can be so hard to know what to do - there's no rulebook! AND when your kid hurts, you hurt. Please know that you're doing a fantastic job.

It's also great to hear that you've found a new psychologist and he's willing to give therapy another go. It is common for people to try a few psychologists before they find one that is the right fit for them. Hopefully, this psychologist is able to offer additional support and guidance, including strategies for harm minimization - I wonder, are you currently concerned for your child's safety?  

[WhereIsSmiles]

I could have written what you have, almost verbatim.  I feel your grief whole-heartedly.  I have come to this forum searching for some support and guidance and reassurance too.  I have no answers for you, only to say that you are not alone...as I know how lonely it can feel.

My now 15 year old began transitioning just before Christmas 2020.  It was like a slap in the face, a bolt from the blue.  We did not see it coming.  He had told me that he had thought he was bisexual, then pansexual, then panromantic a month or 2 before he told me that he thought he was actually a male.  No worries babe, you do you, we love you regardless of who you are.  But it was almost like he was upset that there was no reaction.  He has continued to attempt to push the boundaries, dying his hair black and now pushing us so far away...I ,like you, don't recognise the person he can be now.  He was always so caring and empathetic and loving and now, sometimes he can be downright nasty and unkind.  We feel so confused and lost as to what we have done or more specifically not done. All I can hope is that the smiles return one day. 

Like I said, unfortunately, no advice...but definitely know, you aren't alone.  I hope your son finds himself again soon 

[my2kidsrock]

Sorry for the delay I am not currently concerned for his safetly, although we had a tough week and had to put our precious dog down. I know he self harmed, and we made sure he was keeping them clean. He started at a new psychologist yesterday, and already feels a bond with her. I went in for the first 15 mins, and talked about our concerns, then left them to talk. They are touching base on the self harm first and foremost, and she asked him to go the week without self harming, to try drawing on himself instead. So I see hope. I'm not going to lie, we told him he needs to start opening up to someone and we need to see him showing some improvement, and following advice, and we would let him get a piercing. So he really wants to work for that. We are also picking up our new puppy tonight, so I know that is a great distraction for him. Thank you for the reply!

[my2kidsrock]

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, it's so hard to our kiddos struggling. My boy is great at faking it that everything is ok, and I hate it. I said to him that it is ok to have a crappy day!! You just tell me you are, and I will hug you and you don't even have to tell me why.
Way to go being so loving and accepting, we are doing great letting them be who they feel they are. It's so not ok to be nasty and unkind. It must be stressful and puts everyone on the edge of their seats all of the time. We find that now that we know that M self harms, we are scared to say anything that may upset him. Being a teen is so much more hard now then when I was a kid.
I really hope you can get some smiles back around your house. Have you tried seeing a therapist?
Wishing you nothing but the best. Sure is nice to know that we are not alone. Big hugs

[Iona-RO]

First of all I would just like to say how amazing it is to hear parents being so supportive in their kid's transitions, and hope you realise just how much that would've have helped your kids during this difficult time. Please take some time to acknowledge how much your support will have already helped them.

@my2kidsrock  it's great to hear that your son is connecting with his new psychologist and is getting support with the self-harming issues as a priority. I'm very sorry to hear about your dog, it can be such a blow to everyone to lose such a valuable family member. But am sure you're all feeling excited for your new puppy!

I'm wondering if you are receiving any support from anyone at the moment? Both your son's transition and his self-harming must be very tough to deal with. Do you have anyone to talk about this with or to give you support on how to deal with everything?

[my2kidsrock]

Hi
I do have my husband who is super at listening to me and helping me through all of my emotions. I am so blessed to have such an amazing partner! I do wish that I could see a therapist but financially it just isn't possible at the moment. Going through all of this in the last 6 month, plus in this time frame my mom has had a lot of health issues, and almost died, and I lost a brother and a sister all while trying to be strong for my kids.
We just brought home 2 chocolate lab puppies last night, so this is going to be a great mental boost for us(although I may go crazy house training, haahaa!!)
I am just so fortunate to at least have a supportive husband for the last 23 years. So I am much more lucky then most.
Thank you for checking in on me, it means so much.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @my2kidsrock, we are so glad to hear that you have an amazing partner. That can really make a world of difference! It is nice to feel like someone is on your side when you are going through so much. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through over the last 6 months. It is a lot for any family to deal with so I can only imagine how stressed and worn out you have been feeling. Seeing as you are unable to afford a therapist, what are some ways that you try to relax and refresh? It can be hard to find time to do this as a parent but it can help to give you even a small moment of peace.

Good luck with the puppy training! They will keep you on your toes for sure and boost everyone's mood in the process. Please feel welcome to keep us updated