Lack of socialisation

[dandelion]

Hi - new user here. Concerned about my 19 year old, who has suddenly stopped socialising, and appears reluctant to organise anything. I am probably stressing over nothing, he may just need time out from his friendship groups, but it's also driving me mad. He works part time, and the rest of the time, just sits and watches Netflix, etc. He is happy to do chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, etc. He is normally quite social, and I know he get a real kick out of being with friends. Cause for concern, or stick my head back in the box, and let him be? 

[Andrea-RO]

Hey @dandelion,

First of all, welcome to the forums, we are really pleased that you have found us, and I hope that you find the information here useful. 

I think it's always important to listen to your gut instinct as parent, as sometimes we can feel something is wrong, before we know exactly what it is. I was wondering if you've tried opening up a dialogue with your son about how he's been feeling recently. It can be pretty hard to disclose how we are feeling sometimes, but when someone gives us space or the opportunity to talk about how we feel, it can all come tumbling out at once. Starting the conversation with "I love you and I am a bit worried about you" can also help outline that you are coming from a place of care and concern from their well being. 

Let us know how it goes!

[chippy]

Hi dandelion,

I wonder if he's in his "comfort zone".  Being out in the real world can be very different and he may just be doing only what he can manager for now.  But I agree with the comment saying "go with your gut".  Children young and old always need to know that their family is there even if they don't feel they need you.  They always will.

[dandelion]

Thanks for responding - I will admit I wasn't sure if my query would just end up in the ether somewhere. I spoke to him yesterday (at least he met up with a friend and they went for a run together, so that's something!), and he said he was fine, everything was fine, it's just that all his friends are away or working, and it's hard to find a time that suits everyone. I explained that you are never going to find a time that suits everyone, and it's okay to do things with a smaller group sometimes. 

I have asked him to orgaise something for Tuesday or Wednesday - otherwise he'll be sitting at home all week, until work next Friday. 

Trying really hard not to get frustrated = I just want him to be happy, and I know being with his friends makes him happy. 

[chippy]

Yes.  We just want them to be happy.  You know what, I guess it's also ok for them to be alone and bored.  Because that's just life sometimes.  Sometimes we need to know/learn how to be on our own and how to enjoy our own company, just like anyone else.  Ahhhh parenting.  We never stop with the worrying.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @dandelion, it sounds as though you care a lot about your son which is so lovely and special. It is great to hear that your son was hanging out with his friend recently. Your advice on hanging out in a small group is great - it is so true that it can be hard to find a suitable time for everyone. You mentioned wanting your son to be happy, are there other things that make him happy besides his friends? I like what @chippy said about doing nothing and life being boring. There are times like these and sometimes it can be enjoyable when everything else has been so busy. Is your frustration arising from him being at home or because you feel that he is unhappy? Thank you so much for sharing. We are here to listen, so please keep us updated

[dandelion]

He appears perfectly happy and content = I know the problem is with my expectations and assumptions about what he should be doing. I spoke to him this morning, burst into tears and said I was worried about him and that is why I was nagging him so much. Bless him, he is never overly demonstrative, but just gave me a really long hug, said he was perfectly fine, his friendships were fine, people were working or away, and he as enjoying having a short break. I feel better, and am trying to not nag so much, even if I think he should be out and about. SOme people are just home-bodies, and if he's happy and content, who am I to question that? (I still will, but that's what mums are for. Don't think I'll ever stop worrying. Makes me wish I had been more considerate of my mum during my teens)

[Hugo2019]

Silly question maybe ..but have you asked him ... ? What about a general family bbque get him to invite a friend or two and gage it then ..it might kick start him again ..

[Janine-RO]

Hi @dandelion , it was nice to read your update, it's good to hear that you were able to communicate so clearly with your son and that he was able to reassure you that all is well in his world. 

You sound like a very caring mum, and I think it's very true when you say that as parents, we never really stop worrying about our kids. I have two kids, with a fairly large age gap between them, and I'm learning that even though the things I worry about at different ages ,may be vastly different, you never really stop worrying about them - and yes, it definitely gives me a whole new level of appreciation for my parents, too