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Major Problems with my Daughter

Major Problems with my Daughter

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antitype

Major Problems with my Daughter

Hi everyone,

i have some issues with my 16 yr old Daughter. There is a lot to the story but im not gonna go in detail right now about everything. Would like to talk about what happened yesterday.

I was sick laying in my bed, so she comes and asks me when am i gonna buy her cigarettes. I told her i cant today i am sick she can ask me for money tomorrow since i need the money in my wallet for other things.

So she keeps going on and on saying but i need them are you really gonna get them bla bla bla

And i kept telling her yes tomorrow now please give me some peace i really do not feel good.  She didnt stop and kept going on and on and on, and i kept repeating myself until i started yelling and told her to get out of my room. She said no and kept going on about cigarettes, i was already weak and my nerves by that point were wrecked so i screamed and said heres the money now get out of my sight. She still wouldnt leave.

I got up and tried to kick her out of my room, she still wouldnt leave. She said why are you acting like this im not doing anything to you. Even though i asked her nicely a million times and i told her please get out now i am sick i cant handle this right now. She didnt accept or respect that. Now the last time i tried to get her out she started to attack me and we fought for a while. For the future i really do not know how to handle this. How do i make her leave when i cant leave myself for example ? She just wont listen whether i ask nicely, scream or try to force her. She just wont listen. What should i have done differently ?

Community Manager
Bre-RO

Re: Major Problems with my Daughter

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Hi @antitype 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a difficult day with your daughter whilst being sick. It must have been so hard having to manage that situation while you were feeling weak. You've mentioned that there is much more to go into detail about and I'm wondering if you have any family supports, a counsellor or psychologist? It sounds like you could use some support with this situation. Your daughter might also benefit from having an external adult guide her in learning how to respect your boundaries. 

 

If you're interested there's an article here about setting boundaries with your teen. Do any other parents have some wise words for antitype? @JohnT  @Dad4good @PapaBill @Stepmum34 

 

We're here for you Heart 

 

 

Parent/Carer Community Champion
PapaBill

Re: Major Problems with my Daughter

Hi @antitype 

 

It is never easy to have conflict in a family and wanting to have peace and harmony in a family is admirable.

The reality of your daughters behavior would have been quite difficult to deal with and there probably is no good answer to the situation you found yourself in.

 

Sorry to ask a hard question right up but ...

Why are you buying/giving money to your 16 year old daughter to buy cigarettes?

I know it is not a popular thing to say but Nicotine is a highly addictive drug and cigarettes have long term health impacts. 

 

With the interaction you outline, it sounds like your daughter was acting like a drug addict only caring about their next fix.  Given dealing with dependency issues of any type are always an extremely hard situation to deal with it is not surprising that  when you were feeling ill you weren't in a position to handle it well.

 

IMHO you probably should evaluate the whole question of buying cigarettes for your daughter when you are feeling at 100% and in that avoid similar situations moving forward.  

It is quite typical for addicts to be lacking any sort of empathy or compassion when craving their next fix.

 

Unfortunately being a parent means sometime you have to act in a way that causes conflict and distress in the short term to help our children in the longer term.

 

I would suggest if you are willing to address the underlying issue of buying cigarettes in the first place you do it in a planed way.   

 

Make sure you are

  • in private,
  • it is not too late in the day
  • the person appears calm and more likely to be receptive.

When you raise the issue 

  • own what you say (i.e.  I felt scared the other day when..)
  • Look for solutions not to allocate blame...  ( I would like to work out a way we can)
  • Avoid emotive and exaggerating words  (Huge issue.. )

 

Some of these can help keep the discussion focused on the issue rather than turning into a shouting match about what is being said.

 

And above all ... Seek to Understand before being Understood

 

 

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