01-24-2018 01:39 AM - last edited on 01-25-2018 03:35 PM by Danielle-RO
I need help,my son has a safe home with love and support but wants to move out with his friend who is having bad problems at his home,I have just enrolled him in a great get set for work program and want to help and feel as he has ADHD and other problems he is not ready to move into his own accom at 16 I tried to help them and am awaiting an interview but thing the 19 ur old neighbour needs to move not my son I can't let him go he is not ready for paying bills ect and I have done all I can to try make things better at our home,the main problem at our home is him clashing with siblings and I do t think that's a reason to leave,he has no income transport ect and could be moved away due to housing areas ect what do I do,His friend needs help and my 16 yr old wants to help when he should he helping himself,I am trying to help them but can not let him go as he has great opportunitys at home if he would just try harder,so sad about this I have 5 kids and 1 on the way so I think this is the problem,I just want him to be ready and he is not yet and only seems to want to help his troubled mate not our family
01-24-2018 10:53 AM
Hi @Becca2018 welcome to the forums – I am so happy that you found us here and know that this amazing community will be here to support you through this troubling time. I was so sorry to hear about all that you are experiencing at the moment it sounds like you have a lot on your plate!
Before I comment any further, I just wanted to let you know that I have hidden the other post you made just to make sure that our amazing community can better find this thread and offer you support. I hope you don’t mind.
What shines through from your mail is how kind and empathetic your son sounds. It is a credit to him and your family that he is so passionate about helping his friend through these troubling times - he sounds wonderful.
From your post I am getting that you think that by investing himself so much in the problems that his friend is facing he might be neglecting his own self-care as well as the fact that he might not be ready for the extra responsibilities that will be involved with both living away from home as well as looking out for his friend. Is this right?
I was wondering, have you had conversations with your son about the best way for him (and your family) to help this neighbor? Have there been any conversations about what steps you can take to help out and make a difference with this boy that don’t involve your son moving out with him? It might be something like inviting him over for dinner at your house a couple of times a week, helping him with the process of moving etc.? He might be receptive to the idea that the best way for him to help his friend is from his current home?
I realise that this kind of conversation can be difficult and would love to recommend a service run by ReachOut which is parents coaching. It is a completely free service that you can do online or over the phone where you can talk to a professional who can help you put in place strategies for communicating with your son.
I think it might be a really useful tool to address some of the problems that your household is experiencing with him clashing with his siblings which seems to be something that your son is struggling with at the moment. It might help with building strategies that help everyone in the household.
There is a really great video that you can watch by clicking on this link which explains a little more about the program.
Finally, I would love to loop in some of our amazing community members who have had experience with this program and some who might have some insights.
01-25-2018 01:05 PM
Hi @Becca2018, thanks for sharing with us on the forum. Your son sounds like a lovely young soul, and one who has great compassion for others. Congratulations to you for raising such a kind hearted young man
I'm just wondering how your son would support himself if he was to move out?
It's so lovely that he wants to be there for his friend, but could he look at other ways he can do that, without putting himself in a situation that might see him have to make big sacrifices in his own life?
The parent coaching @Nick-RO suggested is something I'd recommend as well. It could really help you come up with a positive way forward. Let us know what you think.
01-25-2018 03:57 PM
Hi @Becca2018 just a quick note to let you know that I have moved your thread into the 'Teenagers' Everyday Issues & Mental Health' section of our forums, so it will be seen by more parents who can offer you advice.
06-08-2018 01:20 AM
I don’t know the laws in your area, but isn’t 16yo leaving classified as runway? I would like an update on your story as it seems that it was posted a while ago.
My son is 16-17, full support at home, but wants freedom very bad. Not the greatest choice of friends, I mean, they are not terrible, but come from families that allow them to do whatever they want.
My son feels tied down bc we don’t let him do sleepovers all the time. Even though his friends were caught one of he times they go drunk and we know that one of them, besides vaping, his parents leave him alone for days.
Now, he has been saying that turning 18, he will pack his stuff and move to one of these friends house, he said the parents okayed. I am furious and asked one parent (in a joking way) if she knew my son was planning to move in after 18 and she said that boys are funny and that her son said he would move to my house. I told my son that she was not aware of him moving there and he said that surely she would deny as this is their plan, to keep it quiet until his birthday.
I wonder if its legal (US) for an adult to do what she is doing (if this is true), I mean, I would never give any incentive to a child to leave his parents house. Our kids are friends, her son is 14, but for me, she is is just a neighbor.
06-08-2018 10:07 AM
That is a really tricky situation @seekwisdom. It must be stirring up a mix of emotions for you. It sounds like you've done a really good job at implementing healthy boundaries for your son, but his peers don't have quite the same structure and he's keen to sample that freedom. As we are an Australian site I am not sure of the local laws around adolescents and the typical age they can self-manage and leave home in the USA. Could you talk to your neighbour again and let her know your concerns?
Or is there a local service that could provide you some advice and support? In the mean time we are here to listen as well It is a very tough age as young men and women begin to test boundaries through cognitive dissonance. It is quite normal but very stressful for parents no doubt.
06-08-2018 10:46 AM - last edited on 06-08-2018 10:51 AM by Breez-RO
Thank you so much for your reply, it means so much to be heard. This job is not easy.
He has a whole year ahead of him until he turns 18. I am trying to get him to see a psycologist because on top of that, he is grieving a loss of one of his best friends that in October 2016, he was found unconscious in his bedroom and since then, he is in minimally conscious state. His friend was 13. It affected all of us, including the boys that are friends and live near by.
06-08-2018 12:27 PM
Of course @seekwisdom, we're all here to listen Wow I think it's great you are getting him to see a psychologist after what he has been through. Has he been open to this?
I edited the specific method around the friend just due to our community guidelines, but you are welcome to keep discussing how this has affected your son. In the way of your own self-care, what do you do for yourself to feel supported and a little lighter through all of these changes?
06-10-2018 07:41 AM
I am sorry about violating the guidelines, it was not intentional. Thank you for editing.
My son is now open to the meeting and I talked with the psychologist what is going on regarding his trauma. Unfortunately the other counselor was not adequately equipped and pushed him away.
I see a therapist on the account on my own struggles with anxiety and depression. It has been really helpful. I also use meditation and audio subliminal sessions that helps me. I listen to them at night while I sleep and it makes a difference. Breathing exercises always help me to stay in the moment.