12-04-2020 04:10 PM - last edited on 07-05-2021 10:00 AM by Janine-RO
Where to start, my once beautiful caring loving daughter who I was once so close to and she was with me has become a monster. I know and fully understand BPD I have attended many support forums and read and read and read) about it. But i fear now I have nothing left, my daughter is hell bent on killing herself every time she becomes emotional distressed, the most recent incident was only a week ago and according to the hospital was hours away from dying. As a point of reference this has been going on for 5 years, with many suicide attempts (on one occasion I had to revive her until the ambulance took over). She frequently self harms and in the last year has started taking every drug she can. She has been hospitalised 5 times this year and each time she is released she seems to get worse. What has changed more than anything else is her violence towards me (I am by no means a small man and can easily defend myself, but the idea of having to resort to violence against one of my children to defend myself I just cant do it). After all these years my health has deteriorated to the point where a few weeks ago she turned up around 1am in a psychotic moment, physically tried to attack me when I refused to let her drive her car after she took a handful of medication in front of me and then tried to drive off. During the altercation I collapsed and pasted out, when I came too, my left side of my ribs were hurting, my daughter gone and a concerned neighbour standing by me. He told me he had to physically hold my daughter as she was kicking me in my ribs apparently yelling at me to wake up and stop making this about me. I know why she is so angry with me she has told me in the past, when she was 16 and living with her mother she was raped and she blames me for not protecting her although I lived 4 hours away at the time and did not find out this happened until 2 years later. The mental health system trys, but even they tell me they find it almost impossible to deal with BPD patients. I am so scared that my daughter will kill herself soon her attempts are more frequent and more severe, however she refuses help and just consumes as many drugs as she can. BUT, I just cant do it anymore, yes I have supports around me and I try to manage as best as I can, however each night I go to sleep scared that once again I'll get the standard call .this has been a common statement from her. I don't know why she wont accept help she has had so many opportunities, a community of family who were willing to help her (most now have backed off), and I feel (know) that I must do the same, although deep down I know that this will probably mean one day soon she will be dead...but what is the alternate I just dont know anymore...recently after tests it was revealed that I have a heart condition and high blood pressure that could lead to stroke if i am not careful.. I tried explaining this to my daughter in the hope she would accept help, her only response was, "I better be in the will", which literally broke what was left of my heart...she has become a monster, my beautiful girl who up to the age of 15 we were so close is now someone I almost hate...I am so lost
12-04-2020 06:15 PM - edited 12-04-2020 06:19 PM
Hello @kaiso , thanks for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through for the last 5 years. It sounds like things have been very tough for a while now. I am glad that you are still reaching out for support so that you can help your daughter. Sorry to hear that your health has been deteriorating, I can't imagine the toll that this would take on a person. Sounds like you have tried various things out so far to get her some support and to help her manage what she is going through.
It's a shame to hear that you have not had too much success with the mental health system so far. It sounds like ongoing support from a psychologist or psychiatrist might be useful for your daughter. Is she currently seeing anyone for support? If your daughter is wanting some more support I think seeing her GP and arrange to see a psychologist would be a good first step. She can also call some helplines such as Kids Helpline and Headspace ( if she is under 25), BeyondBlue, and SuicideLine or Lifeline when she is experiencing thoughts of suicide. I also just wanted to check in with you too, as it sounds like your daughters safety is a concern for you. Are you concerned about your daughters safety right now? Is she currently safe?
This sounds like a lot to deal with, and I am sorry to hear that the relationship between yourself and your daughter has been impacted. Do you have someone that you feel comfortable talking to about everything that has been going on? Talking to someone such as a trusted friend, or a counsellor/psychologist can be really helpful. If you are interested in talking to a counsellor, Parentline is a free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service where you can talk through these thoughts and feelings. Also, Family Drug Support has a helpline that you can call to discuss any concerns you have around your daughters substance use. They are also open 24/7 and can support you with some of your concerns. I hope that things get better for you and your family, please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums.
12-09-2020 07:11 AM
12-09-2020 07:47 AM
12-09-2020 08:09 AM
12-09-2020 08:57 AM
Having heard many stories of BPD there are many different levels/aspects. I have always been aware of consequences so that while I pushed boundaries, I never crossed the line which many with BPD do.
I was abusive to my family because I blamed them. I struggled in society but I always sort for some sort of connection, to make my life better is some way. So for me in the early years, my life wasn't a problem.
When I had boughs of depression I went to the doc and went on anti depression meds. This was in the 90's so things were different.
I went through years of struggles and didn't really seek help until I had PND with my first born, then again with my second, followed by an emotional break down then my marriage breakdown and I was a single mum with a 1 & 3 year old.
I was high functioning and the mental health system very much failed me in the in 2000's. It wasn't until the 2010's when 'the system' started to change.
I had fought hard to stay alive for my boys. I worked hard to be a better parent because I was not good in so many ways. Ultimately. My boys were my trigger to fight because I was all they had and I wouldn't pass then mess onto them by ending myself.
I did DBT in 2013. The stories of the others there made me realise that everyone's journey is different.
I've done so much therapy. There was one that was designed to "break me to rebuild me" and it almost ended me. That is such a horrible, destructive approach to any therapy.
For me, DBT used my intelligence to challenge and question the belief I held. It gave me skills and strategies to change my behaviours so I could achieve my goals. I wanted to fit in. I wanted stability. I wanted to be loved and accepted so I was motivated to work.
No matter what is happening for a person. They have to want to improve. My ex was also diagnosed BPD. To my knowledge he never sought help but he has found a life for himself. It doesn't include any of his blood relations but that's his choice.
Sorry. Have hope. Hope is good but make sure you care for you and accept whatever happens that is outside of your control, which unfortunately most in life is
12-09-2020 04:46 PM
Hi @kaiso , I am sorry to hear that is the case. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, but have still been trying to support your child in any way possible. I hope that you have found some of the support to be helpful so far. Have you been able to talk with anyone about what you are going through? It might be helpful for you to be able to talk through these feelings and thoughts with a trained professional who is happy to support you.
12-09-2020 06:11 PM
12-09-2020 06:17 PM
12-09-2020 08:17 PM
I am glad to hear that is the case @kaiso , I hope that the support you have been receiving has made things more manageable for you during these tough times .