My teenage daughter is dating a much older man. Should I intervene?

[MariaClaire]

We have a teenage daughter and three sons slightly older than that.  The sons are quite problematic, and have a lot of brushes with the law, and pretty toxic attitudes.  Totally unhelpful and unreliable.  Our daughter is just the opposite: smart, funny, helpful and nice.  She is a very beautiful young lady but her growth was stunted for some reason, and at age 19 she is only 4'6" and 66 lbs. -- everything is in correct proportion by she's very, very tiny and stick-thin.

The thing that's odd is that for two years she has been dating a much, much, much older man.  There's nothing in particular that he has done bad; he has visited our home and everything was very normal.  But he's in his late 50s, tall, and although he's clearly smart and likable, I just don't know.  He's divorced and has a son in his early/mid 20s.  

The problem is that our daughter is _completely obsessed_ with this guy who's basically three times her age.  She has no problem making dance videos for him or talking romantic and slightly dirty with him even if we're right there next to her.  She got, at her own expense, a tattoo of his name on her lower back.  Clearly they have been extremely sexually active for at least the last year or so.  She has tons of pictures of him on her walls and on her phone.

I have told her to watch out for older men trying to manipulate her but she is right back at me: "Why?"  "What did he do wrong?"  "I love him more than anything in the world and I don't care what anyone thinks."  "We are a perfect couple even with the age difference."  On the one hand it seems like a totally stable relationship, but I'm sure most of you would agree that that's just way wayyyyy too much of an age difference.

It's not a so-called "daddy issue" thing; her relationship with my husband/her father is just fine.  She is very sweet to him and causes no problems.   

I am having trouble articulating to her why dating such an old guy is a bad idea.  Any assistance would be greatly appreciated. 

[Janine-RO]

Hi MariaClaire, 

That sounds like a really tricky situation with your daughter, and I can completely understand your concern about the relationship - that is a pretty significant age difference, especially given their relationship started when she was only 17. You've mentioned that your daughter looks quite young for her age - are you concerned that this plays a part in his attraction to her? 

It sounds like she gets quite defensive when you raise the age difference, which must be really difficult for you. I'm wondering if you could try having broader conversations about boundaries in relationships, and the balance of power in relationships?  That may be one way to approach a discussion around the fact that with such a large age difference and different life experiences, there could be a pretty big power imbalance in their relationship. We have a good article here with some ideas of how to talk to teenagers about boundaries in romantic relationships, and how to help them develop boundaries. 

I'm also wondering if you've had a conversation about how she feels about the future, and things like having kids when her partner is so much older - is she concerned about that side of things at all? 

Ultimately though, it is your daughter's choice about whether or not she continues the relationship, and reassuring her that you will be in her corner no matter what will hopefully help her to continue to feel safe in confiding in you if things do become problematic. You sound like a really caring and loving parent- please feel free to keep us updated on how things are going for you. 

[MariaClaire]

Many thanks for your response.  I really am out of my depth here.  I don't know if she was groomed or whatever, and I'm not quite sure I understand all of what that even means.  At least there's nothing secret about it ... she brags about him constantly.  They seem to really and truly enjoy each others' company so in some ways I think, who am I to say anything bad?  He's a nice guy: self-effacing, courteous, and upbeat.  But we were having dinner just yesterday and he called in and she answered and their conversation was a little over-the-top for sure!!  Can't say I have noticed any bad effects on her, quite the contrary.  But their whole situation seems so unusual to me.  She looks much younger than her age due to her very small stature, and without exaggerating I would think most people assume he's her grandpa.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @MariaClaire , 

Thanks so much for your response. I can completely understand why you'd be feeling a bit out of your depth, it must have been a pretty big surprise to find out that your daughter's partner is so much older. 

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job at keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter, and I think that is by far the number one,  most important thing you can do in this situation. It sounds like she's really comfortable talking to you about her relationship (as you say, it's great that she's not keeping it a secret), and hopefully that means if any problems do arise, she'll feel comfortable confiding in you about them. It definitely sounds like an unusual situation for you to be navigating, but it sounds like you're doing it in a really respectful way.