Nearly 16 year old boy not taking any responsibility of his life

[AUGUSTA]

Our son started mixing up with a wrong ground when he was year nine.Wanted to move halfway year 9 to public school from private.Since then hasn't been at school.Used marihuana daily ,was very abusive verbally and physically to all of his familymembers ,especially to his mum.Police was envolved numerous times ,our home got strashed few times.
He was under juvenile justice system due being extreamly violent.Our family got councelling to deal with him for half a year.
Druguse continued ,we took him overseas for 3 months to detox.Tried online schooling during that time ,no attendence.Came back to Aussie,he was good for 2 months ,then went downhill again.
Then got better again.Wanted to go to school beginning of this year ,went to Tafe for 3 days and stopped .Before was defenetly depressed and sullen.Now better ,smiles,interacts with people and communicates with his family nearly normally.Counselling offered numerous times ,no interest.
He has gone a long way since what he was ,but we are getting frustrated because he still will not go to school or get a job.Just lazies around all day long..doesnt want anybody to do anything regarding his schooling ,doesnt accept might need help with anxiety.
Anybody able to give any ideas for help?

[Breez-RO]

Hey @AUGUSTA you've done all the right things so far, super well done. Especially suggesting counselling, it's a shame he won't take that seriously.

So on the massive positive note, you've managed to get your son to smile and interact again - incredible. Now it's just getting him back into the swing of life. Do you think there's fear there for him around work and school? Or do you think it's genuine laziness?

I am wondering if there's a way you could come to an agreement around the counsellor. I.e. some kind of mutual condition whereby he needs to take his mental health seriously in order to gain certain privelages. I don't know if you have any ideas on this? What do you think?

I will tag some other members too  @taokat @Zoesplace @sunflowermom

[sunflowermom]

Hi @AUGUSTA

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this.  Even though he is not where you want him to be yet- in school and/or a job your email does sound like he is making big improvements from where he started.  I agree the counselling could be helpful.  

Has he given you his actual "plan"?  

I know with my daughter- she has things all mapped out in her head and once she actually tells me what shes thinking we can sometimes come to a middle ground agreement.

I think you are doing a great job, you got him help with detox and there is defiantly progress. How is his anxiety and depression now?  Did he give you a reason why he quit Tafe?

[AUGUSTA]

Thank you some much for replying and your kind words.
I think he feels pressure succeeding .His brother is a high achiver and he thinks he have to do same things than him.He has told to somebody that he doesn't want to disappoint his parents.We have always told him that they are different people and good in different things.We only want him to finish school ,that's all.
He is a clever kindhearted boy ,who has grown too quickly .He looks like 20 years old!He feels that at school everybody are acting like babies.
He has never been bullied at school and has always had lots of friends.
He still has ,but the 'normal'kids think he is a druggie nowadays😐
We have taken huge steps to the right direction ,just the get him to school or employment is the hard one.
He is very strong minded ,you cant bargain anything with him if he doesnt want to.
Thank you for reading and lots of strength to all the parents out there.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @AUGUSTA

I know what you mean when you say you can't bargain with them unless they want to- My daughter is the same way.

Its so sad that our kids put so much pressure on themselves to succeed.  I know in the beginning of all this it was me pushing her to do well in schools so she could go to a good University- but I have since let that all go and I just want her to get through it.  Kids can also be so mean with labels...like druggie.  High School is a really rough time.  I hard a hard time with school growing up too but at the time it was all I could focus on and it was overwhelming.

I wish our kids just understood- High School is just a tiny chapter in the big picture.  And that the more amazing journeys are to come.

[taokat]

Hi @AUGUSTA, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you've been through with your son. Despite it all it sounds like you're supportive which will be really helpful for your son. It can be emotionaly taxing though and I'm wonderng what you do to take care of yourself? We're often the last ones we think to look after. 

Do you have any contact with The Department of Education? They were great with us when my daughter was refusing school, and helped us look at alternative options to mainstream schooling. She was eventually enrolled in distance education, and after a visit from an awesome teacher, started doing schoolwork again after three and a half terms missed (just in that year!). 

It's fantastic that he's made such amazing progress, but I get that you're feeling stuck and it's natural that you're feeling frustrated. We want our kids to learn to help themselves, and I also worry about my daughter's future.  Maybe your son is comparing himself to his brother, so it could be worth really making an effort to acknowledge and praise his talents and the things he does well. I've found it's really helped with my daughter as I think she forgot that she had so many awesome things about her. 

ReachOut offers free Parent Coaching which could offer some practical ideas around helping your son feel motivated. You can find the link here to learn more about it and sign up if you're interested.

[Sister]

Hi Augusta,

You have done an amazing job of getting your son to where he is now.

The fact that you took him overseas for 3 months to get him the support and assistance you felt he needed is an indication of the true love you have for your son. Not to mention all the other things you have done for him! If only our children could realise how much we love and care for them! Hopefully your son will feel gratitude one day....if not already.

It must be frustrating and concerning for you about the schooling and work situation. You mentioned he has had a lot of friends......is there someone outside of the family who could be a positive influence for him and talk him around? A girl he is sweet on perhaps? Taokats' suggestion about the Dept of Education might be worth a try (?)

Whatever happens I wish you luck. My son is currently staying with family at the moment as he always "mucks up" on me. Is an angel with others though so I guess I need to be grateful in that regard. But it sure has been painful asking others for help as I am not much good at it. Independence has been my best/worse feature.

I'm hoping with therapy, anti-depressants for my son, lots of support (at school and professionally), unconditional love and working on my own reactions.......we can get through it together. But lately things have been very difficult with trying to manage his behaviours. I'm also doing the coaching so every bit helps. Sure has been a rollercoaster!

Hope your' son turns another positive corner in his life. We just wish for them to be happy....don't we? Sometimes we need to put all the other things aside (like education)......as difficult as it it can be. I am learning to let go.....just a little.

Best wishes.

[AUGUSTA]

Hi Sister
Thanks for your kind reply.
I feel for you ,it sounds that you are in a place where we were 1.5 years ago.
You are very lucky that you have a family who can help you out and also its good that your son is willing to have treatment for his issues.You just have to hang in there ,look after yourself too and tell to your son you love him no matter what.Eventually the message will go through to him and you might found yourself in a better place.Persistent is the key.
Hang in there .You will get there!

[Sister]

Hi @AUGUSTA,

I have only just read your latest message and so sorry I didn't respond or see it sooner!

A belated "thank you" for your positive words. They are helping me at the moment. 

Hanging in there, persistence, looking after myself and always telling my son how much I love him....in spite of his behaviours. This gives me hope for my son.

How is your situation and did your son return to studies or get a job?