Live with a self harmer

[Bre-RO]

Hey @Chester thanks for opening up about this. I can imagine it's been really hard trying to get support with this situation. I just wanted to say good on for you being proactive about this for your wife and your child. I'm sure many parents could relate to the difficulty of knowing how to have tough conversations, especially when it comes to yours and your wife's mental health. 

I'd be keen to see how other people here in the community would approach a conversation like this but thought I'd link you into an article we have on how to have tricky conversations here. It might be helpful for your wife to re-frame her understanding of self-harm as well (as hard as that is). I feel for her as carrying around a "dirty little secret" can be so painful. Is she getting some professional support at the moment? 

Sending lots of love to your family and looking forward to hearing back from you. 

[Chester]

Morning peoples,
What a glorious day it’s is and I’m so glad to be able to enjoy it.
As a carer for a self harmer ( for the past three years)that sentence has at times, been very difficult for me to honestly say, but ,now I feel it has become my mantra
( if you can call it that).
My parter, our family and I l, are currently on a very different journey to what we had originally planned 22 year ago.
It’s unpredictable, unnerving, frustrating, counter productive, hurtful,sneaky,shameful ,lonely,dirty,overwhelming and these are only some of the feelings that my partner feels everyday.
My partner has tried, over the last three years, slowly but surely, to let me Know her feelings she suffers everyday.
We all know the moments as parents, when you see your child enjoying what life has to offer and taking risks, riding their bike with no hands (while we might cringe and hope they don’t fall going at the speed they are going) and when they fall, we are there to help pick them up, dust them off and let them on their way.
Or, eating a whole a lot of lollies and we’re hoping they’re not going to make themselves sick in the process,but, when they do we are there to pick up the pieces.
So our family is heading towards another risk in our journey .
The chronic and life threatening condition of a self harmer more that likely can be fathomed by an adult Over weeks or months, when there is enough of an explanation and counseling On hand.
But, when it comes to a child (boy or girl, young or teen) well that is a whole different ball game.
Our teens are getting to an age when what my wife believes is her “dirty little secret” will surface and as much as she we will work together to try and put it in perspective my wife feels it will be like falling of a bike (with no hands) going fast down a hill.
Over the last three years I have had umpteen discussions with psychs from all walk of life(both in hospitals and clinics, even GP’s).
Not one of these professionals could give me guidance as to how you tell you teens that your parent that has raise you, nurtured you, coddled you,laughed, and shares fun and difficult moment with you is someone that Harms themselves as a way to deal with difficult situations and that you still need to call me Mum and it’s ok as when I put the bandaid back on it will go away and you won’t have to look at it anymore.
This is what my wife feels everyday and I’m at a loss as to how I can help her with this and not make a mess of it for her sake.
So, when I found this site by sheer coincidence I thought I would ask the question?
Also, it’s totally ok if you don’t have the answer, my wife is a loving, beautiful and kind hearted person.
We will work it out someday.
CHESTER

[Chester]

Hi Bre-RO,
It was difficult to put that all down in writing for anyone to read so this was definitely a first for me and Thankyou for giving me this opportunity to start another chapter in this journey,”Sharing”.
The few people that know of our would always say thoughtful things like.” God would only give as much as you could handle”(or something like that). My answer to that is, Yes and No.
That conversation is for another day.
I would be keen to see what the community would have to say on serval levels and for several reasons.
Thankyou so much for your link to “Tricky Conversation”,I will definitely check this out.
My wife is getting professional help, on two levels which I’m so grateful for everyday of this journey.
That in itself has a long period to find the right path and at times can be heart wrenching to hear and see the backward steps out weight the forward step.
But,I definitely know we are the lucky ones, as my wife and mother of our kids is still on this journey (with support both professional and emotional) unlike some that have fallen to this.
Time moves slow now and we do have our times when things test our resilience but we are still here and will fight each battle and when we get a win, celebrate it for what it is......one for us.

[Andrea-RO]

That's a beautiful approach to take @Chester, and I am sure your family can overcome any trials or difficulties they may face by working together with love and patience Thank you for sharing your story!