Social anxiety teens and school refusal

[Mum2018]

Hi again popcorn,
I’m not sure if it’s the same for your son but part of our daughters anxiety is a combination of social ( despite her being popular) and performance. She would put on a front at school and come home exhausted. Due to her level of anxiety in class ( not obvious to others) she wouldn’t retain the information and then felt stupid etc. she is a perfectionist and would always spend far too long on homework tasks ...never satisfied with what she had done. I wonder if your son is like that. Also at the beginning of the year motivation was high but as the year progresses they get tired and the energy involved in staying at school, outing on a front is harder. This may or may not be similar.

[Popcorn]

Hello @Mum2018

My son is so similar to your daughter.  He has been great at the start of the year until now.  I have asked him if he feels overwhelmed in class but his answer is always no. He comes home and if has homework, sometimes he just looks at it and says he doesn't understand.  I assume then it wasn't done in class but it was.  He won't go up to his teacher to ask for an explanation if he didn't understand at the time saying they wouldn't help which I know is his anxiety talking. You wouldn't know he is suffering at school, has done well in his assessments and we have just received his mid year report, if we didn't see first hand how anxious he gets you would say we were mad.

Socially there is an issue at times, especially when his anxiety has escalated.  He has starts not wanting to play his domestic basketball.  We encourage him to go but he doesn't play like he usually does. Which then makes matters worse as he sees himself as a failure and not a great player. 

He likes to play online games and talk to his friends that way but we limit the amount and encourage him to go outside and catch up with his mates that way.

[Mum2018]

Hi Popcorn, yes they certainly sound very similar. The combination of anxiety and perfectionism is a very tricky combination. At 16 our biggest issues are the growing social anxiety ( settled slightly now she’s on medication) and trying to get her through the education system. Unfortunately because they hide it so well when at school, it’s difficult to get the school to understand. I think my daughter has a mild form of autism which may be at the basis of much of her anxiety. She is quite sensory around food...texture, smell and overheats very easily. It’s hard to know whether it’s all the anxiety or something else.

[Popcorn]

Hi @Mum2018

Did you just start with the medication? We have tried natural supplements but they don’t see to do anything. Our doctor wasn’t keen on the idea and said keep at the psychologist. We were still planning on that as our son needs to be able to talk to someone he can feel safe to open up to but I feel he just needs something to help him see things a little bit clearer. 

He had to pick his subjects for next year (year 10) and listening to him saying why he picked the ones he wants to do and what he has to do so he can continue the following years makes me hope he will be able to follow through and his anxiety won’t get in his way.

[Mum2018]

Hi Popcorn,

    My daughter is very driven and puts a huge amount of pressure on herself. Her big downfall is she won’t see a psychologist any more...she didn’t find one she connected with despite trying a few and she overthinks everything, particularly assignments. Her work is never good enough. When at school she gets really stressed over assignments. 18 months ago she was put on 50mg of sertraline but she didn’t feel it was doing anything and wanted to stop. We let her stop but her anxiety 2 months ago got to such a level that she wasn’t completing any work and having big meltdowns so she agreed to go back on it to try to take the edge off. She’s been on for 2 months and it seems to be helping. I’m seeing more of her old self and no meltdowns. She’s on 100mg with no noticeable side effects. She has been granted an exemption from school for this term so the real test will be next term when she goes back...year 11. We are meeting School this week to work out a plan but am thinking starting off with just Maths and build up from there.you need to work at a level where there’s challenge but not so much that the anxiety escalates to a point where she doesn’t function effectively. It’s so great your son will see someone. I see someone so they can help me work with her. They are such great capable kids and it’s really crappy that anxiety can impact so heavily on them.