TW : 2 Self Harming Daughters

[Yogi4]

Both my daughters 15 & 19 are self harming. So stressed, feel like a failure, marriage is on the rocks atm, depressed. 15 yr old is seeing a professional but my 19 year old is saying there is nothing wrong with her. I have now linked her in with a 3rd psych, but she has already told me that I can’t make her go! I’m angry with and feel enormous resentment and then I feel so selfish for thinking that way. How have other parents coped with this?

[Iona_RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Yogi4 ,
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m sorry to hear that you, and your family have been experiencing such a difficult time. It is clear how much you care about your daughters and really great to see you've been so active in looking for support for them.

Have you been able to talk to them at all about what triggers self-harming for them both? Do they have any strategies in place to cope with their self-harming urges? We have this article that has some suggestions of positive self-harm coping skills that might be helpful.

I can imagine your eldest refusing to accept support would be really frustrating. I'm wondering if you've been able to talk to her about what she's dealing with at all? It can be a dauting conversation to open up, we have some tips here on how you might want to approach this. We also have free one on one parent coaching available, you can read more about and book an appointment here.

I'm also going to send you an email, so look out for that coming your way soon.

[Iona_RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Yogi4 ,
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m sorry to hear that you, and your family have been experiencing such a difficult time. It is clear how much you care about your daughters and really great to see you've been so active in looking for support for them.

Have you been able to talk to them at all about what triggers self-harming for them both? Do they have any strategies in place to cope with their self-harming urges? We have this article that has some suggestions of positive self-harm coping skills that might be helpful.

I can imagine your eldest refusing to accept support would be really frustrating. I'm wondering if you've been able to talk to her about what she's dealing with at all? It can be a dauting conversation to open up, we have some tips here on how you might want to approach this. We also have free one on one parent coaching available, you can read more about and book an appointment here.

I'm also going to send you an email, so look out for that coming your way soon.

[KariBJ]

So sorry life is so difficult right now! Seems like you have lots going on here.
What’s the toughest part for you right now ? Is it your marriage, your daughters and how they are feeling? Or is it your own feelings and how to manage them?
Just trying to break this down for you so it doesn’t cause so much overwhelm.
What’s happening in your marriage if you feel comfortable to share, I may be able to provide some support and guidance. My youngest was pulling out her hair and my eldest wanted to end her life. Reach out here for you x

[Yogi4]

My youngest has ADHD with high anxiety and depression. She was self harming, but once I started medicating her she stopped and her moods stabilised somewhat. I felt like I was making progress with her. She started again once my eldest told her about her own SH. My youngest wants to stop SH and is already working towards that. My eldest started to develop disordered eating from late 2021. It became worse my mid 2022 . While trying to frantically find someone to help her with this, she tells me she is self harming. When I asked her she was was not eating, it was because she felt like she was just average, so she needed to be the best at something, so she aimed to be the skinniest. When I asked why she was SH it was because she wanted the world to see how she feels inside. She flaunts her scars at the beach, and when I am with her, and I can see them it tears me apart. I’ve since tried to get her to see another psych and her response is why I’m an adult now and I can make my own choices. She doesn’t feel like her SH is bad but rather her way of expressing herself. She is mad at me for being so upset, and that I should hide my feelings and just be happy around her! I ask her what she’s using and she laughs at me and tells she is not going to tell me. Dealing with this is so painful. My physical and mental health has deteriorated drastically in the last 2 months. I am deeply ashamed as I feel I have caused this. Not sure what I have done? And to be honest I’m so angry at my eldest daughter for not wanting to get help.

[Yogi4]

The toughest thing for me right now is that my eldest does not want to get help, and that when I find a psych and make an appt she reminds me that she is an adult and she can choose to just not go.
My marriage was great before, but I have been depressed and anxious and don’t want to socialise. I pretty much stay at home, because I have zero energy. I will only go out if my kids are with me (at least one) I also feel guilty having fun while they are miserable. My husband and I are both super focused on our girls atm so there has been no dinner or movie dates and all conversations are about our girls. We are like two people living in the same house, both stressed and both trying to keep afloat. We are drained and we both feel shame and guilt .
My youngest has ADHD and is medicated and very forthcoming with her psych. She wants to stop her SH, my eldest just tells me I’m overreacting and that she hasn’t got a problem.
Sorry to hear about your children.. are they getting better?

[Hannah_RO]

Thank you for sharing a little bit more about what you and your family are going through, it sounds like it has been a very difficult time for your entire family. It is understandable that this has been a challenging time for both you and your partner. We’re really glad that you have found us and have been able to reach out for some support. 

It looks like Iona_RO has shared some great resources on positive self-harm coping skills and having a conversation with your teen about self-destructive behaviours. Did you get a chance to look into any of these and find anything helpful?

I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling ashamed and guilty about what your daughters' are going through. That is a lot for one to be carrying. You sound like an incredibly caring parent who wants the best for your children. Your daughters are incredibly lucky to have such a supportive and caring parent like you. 

I am mindful of the impact that supporting children with mental illness must be having on your own mental health. I am wondering whether you or your partner have been receiving any support for your own wellbeing? I wanted to share a family service called Mind Australia that I thought could be helpful to have a look at, it is a service that offers support for the whole family.

As you mentioned that you and your partner have been super focused on your girls lately, I am wondering whether it could be helpful to prioritise some time to spend together, just the two of you? As important as it is to care for your girls, it is also important to take care of yourselves and your own wellbeing.

[KariBJ]

Ok thanks for sharing and being so honest here. There are a couple of things going on.

Let’s first talk about your personal guilt - you did not cause this behaviour, you aren’t responsible for it.

Perhaps as a suggestion ask questions in a curious way, “what does it feel like when you self harm yourself, does it hurt, does it feel good. This might sound crazy but if we do this instead of “OMG how could you do this to yourself!!! or this hurts me and makes me feel so sad to see you hurt yourself like this” etc

It can help them to think about what they are doing to themselves, and not feel judged for it and not carry guilty feelings because of how much it hurts their mother or father when they SH.

Does this make sense?

If you react in such a way when you see the scars she won’t come to you and share things with you instead will become defensive and defiant.

Again this isn’t your fault, but the way you choose to react is your choice.

Let your daughters see the fun mum you can be, smile (makes such a difference)
Don’t stop doing life, try and take the seriousness out of this situation, you’ll start to feel free, your daughters will both notice, your hubby will notice.

Be kind to yourself, try and do atleast 3 nice things for yourself every week.

I understand this situation is hard, my daughter has SH too. When I learnt to change my approach I felt less pressure and so did they.

And remember again it’s not your fault. I hope this is helpful x