TW: Hello everyone , need advice please

[FreakedOut]

I have just been reading through this forum and it seems like a great place with kind people
My daughter is 14 and we have had difficulties since she was a Toddler
She has always done worrying thing with hygiene from a young age
She never been able to keep a friendship and right through primary school we have has problems with her bullying and having inappropriate conversations with other children to the point where the other parents would ring the school and ask that my daughter be kept away from their children
She has hurt my little dog *edited* and countless other things to animals
She has said terrible but vague things about her fathers friend and her other grandmother that turned out to be untrue after child services investigated and she happily admitted she said the things because she was angry with them
We have had non stop calls from the school about her abusing teachers and other kids and stealing at school
She has also stolen from our neighbors including very elderly people I visit and care about
Everyone that meets my daughter says what an amazing and wonderful daughter I have
I am very scared of her, she has threatened to hurt me while I sleep and also my young toddler,
She has been sneaking out all night and doing bad drugs and sleeping with a much older boy - apparently a friend with benefits
She went missing from home for an entire weekend and turned up at a friends house and is now staying with them and has said she will never come home and will do just about anything so she doesn’t have to be here
I am paying money to the other family to support her but she has told so many lies about being mistreated at home and being kicked out
She was in cyms care for two years with psychologist and councillor care weekly and basically ran rings round them
I know she needs help but is refusing all my attempts to get a referral to a psychiatrist so we could get a diagnosis so we would know how to cope
She is now pushing the other family to the edge and I’m not sure she will be able to stay there much longer
I am terrified of her hurting us if she comes home and I don’t know what to do
I love my daughter but I am frightened ☹️

[Breez-RO]

Hi there @FreakedOut firstly thank you so much for reaching out here on the parents forum. That is a lot of really confronting behaviour so it's absolutely imperative you feel supported and heard.

Can I ask are the psychologist and counsellor still working with her? And am I understanding that she is refusing to attend the Psychiatrist, has she already been referred? It definitely sounds like your Daughter has some extreme internal conflict, the major concern as you mentioned is everyone's safety. Are you and your family safe right now? In regards to your Daughter sleeping with an older male - do you know how much older? Dependent on your state it may actually be illegal, and therefore will need to be reported to services. I know there's a lot of questions in there so please take your time.

In terms of your own self-care throughout all of this, are you seeing a counsellor yourself? I would also recommend checking out our free service, ReachOut Parents Coaching. This community is an incredible place to gain support, but the coaching service can provide that extra layer of insight. There's also a list here of all the ParentLine numbers for each state, this service can be really beneficial in the moment when you're feeling overwhelmed.

Again, our hearts go out to you. I look forward to hearing your response and remaining engaged to see how the peer community can help. Also I did a small edit due to our community guidelines around the animal harm - no biggy, just removing method. You can read more about our guidelines here

I will tag some of our other members - @taokat @Schooner @sunflowermom @Tulip @Sister

[FreakedOut]

Hi Breeze-Ro
First off, sorry about not reading the guidelines first
Thankyou so much for responding
I had been linked with Artius and after talking to the assessor she advised me to take my daughter to our gp to ask for a referral for the psychiatrist but the doctor seemed angry and said she didn’t believe my daughter needed a referral.
The dr then asked my daughter if she wanted to see a psychiatrist and she said no way, so that was that apparently
The dr knows a lot of the history so I was gutted at her attitude toward me and I can’t understand why
I am not talking to anyone but I have wonderful family around me including my husband, parents and my brother close by
Yes I believe we are safe right now as long as the other family know where she is
The boy is 17 and yes the authorities know as she told them after she went missing and they came to make sure she was safe because she was reported missing
I just really don’t know what to do especially as I’m scared she will become voluntarily homeless

[FreakedOut]

Also, no she isn’t seeing the psychologist and counseler anymore, they felt she was ok and released her from their care last year
My daughter has stated she will never go back and has said she hated them
Apparently she has arranged her own psychologist at our local gp
I’m afraid she will never be honest enough to get the help she needs - she can appear perfectly sound and doesn’t believe she has ever done anything wrong

[Breez-RO]

Hey @FreakedOut  this is a really hard situation. I feel for you as it sounds like your Daughter is splitting, she is showing one side of herself to the professionals and another to the family. Does this seem right? Can you think what may have happened that could cause this internal conflict for her so intensely? As this behaviour is very overt it is possible she is challenged by something and does not know how to communicate it. Definitely consider giving Parentline a go, I would also recommend searching through the practitioners on ACA or PACFA and shortlisting some who specialise in adolescence and family trauma as they may be able to not only support you but provide you with some long term strategies on how to get your Daughter into a Psych. 

We of course are also always here to listen.

It sounds like your support network is super strong, I am so happy to hear this.

You really do sound so concerned for her - but also very scared, incredibly understandable. You're very resilient in our eyes.

[FreakedOut]

Thankyou,
Her father and I separated when she was 9 months old
I am unsure of any trauma but I am sure something must have happened back then and we have never got to the bottom of it
Thank you for all of the information

[taokat]

Hi @FreakedOut, you are dealing with so much and I can hear how worried and concerned you are in your posts. I really do hope for you all that your daughter has organised herself some counselling. It sounds like she's really struggling with emotions that are overwhelming for her, but it is scary when our kids become violent and safety is paramount. 

If your GP isn't willing to help I'd suggest seeing another Dr as well. I'm sorry that you received that attitude and as a parent dealing with these issues, that's the last thing you need and so undeserved when you're seeking help your child. 

@Breez-RO has provided some great links and I couldn't agree more with all she has written. It sounds like this has been a long road for you so remember we are here to support you however we can. 

[FreakedOut]

Thank you very much for all of the advice, I think I will definitely try another doctor but unfortunately it may be an uphill battle to get my daughter there, thanks again guys

[Tulip]

Hi @FreakedOut sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. It sounds like your daughter has trouble controlling her emotions. It must be hard when the doctors don't believe you but sometimes you need to try a couple until you get the right fit. You sound so patient and caring, it must be so frustrating for you not knowing how to help her. I hope she gets the help she needs. Good luck x

[FreakedOut]

Thank you, you guys have been great!
I will keep trying to find help for her