(TW: Violence) Help please 2 teenage girls with complex needs

[Andy002]

My husband and I are really struggling.
Middle daughter (13) has had ongoing behavioural difficulties since forever. They became very noticeable about 6, when she would have tantrums for a couple of hours, everyday!
We’ve tried what feels like everything- Children’s mental help therapy, linking with family therapy, twice, speaking to school, speaking to doctors, child psychologist (she won’t talk about herself at all but did tell them what we do as parents. The only thing we received from weeks of us attending was that we are doing all the right things and they couldn’t suggest anything else. She is now defiant, violent, extremely foul mouthed, sneaky ( will take money, treats meant for the whole family), manipulative (flight home from Florida was told it was time to settle down and turn tv off several times, began attacking her dad physically then when that wasn’t working, she shouted out ‘don’t you hit me’ when her dad had not touched her), lies about where she is going etc.
We are at breaking point. Just this week we’ve had her hurting her little sister in the nose (whilst in the car) and at first I thought she had broken it. This was because she was screwing her face up against the window, pulling faces and her younger sister pushed her face closer to the window. She turned around and hurt her. We’ve had issues with violence in the car many times, so we asked her to get out, put the youngest in front, dad in back to supervise, but she refused to get in. We are at the supermarket and she decides to walk home. It’s night time, the area she needs to walk through is bad. We are a good 1hr walk from home. We follow her in the car to keep an eye on her, she works this out, crosses onto a 1way rd, so we can’t follow her. I’m scared, finally find her again and tell her if she doesn’t get in I’m reporting our concerns to the police. She gets in. Starts attacking everyone, refuses her seatbelt. I inform her I’m driving to the the police station, she says go ahead. I drive there (about 3 minutes drive), she won’t get out the car (no surprise), but is still refusing her belt. I go speak to an officer outside (I’m mortified) who says she will come and check on the us in 1 minute. Daughter has put seatbelt on perfectly by the time I get back to car. When we arrive home, getting shopping out of car, she locks us out the house.
Next day, she’s frustrated changing her bed sheet, gets really angry, hurts dad with door when he was trying to advise her, starts trying to smash furniture, ran downstairs, started damaging the kitchen, tried to get her back to her room to try and keep the youngest daughter away from it and she tried to physically hurt me. At this point I smack her leg as I was a wreck by this point. I’m not happy that I smacked her and feel terrible. I’m at a loss.
Yesterday, I find that she has stolen a cider from the fridge and is drinking it in her room. I went in silently and took it. She laughed at my face and ran away laughing.
I’m sorry it’s such a long post, but it never stops. I will post about my eldest separately.
I’m truly desperate and wish I wasn’t here anymore.

[Erin-RO]

My heart goes out to you @Andy002 that sounds like a very overwhelming and exhausting situation for yourself and your husband. I guess my first question would be - what type of supports do you have in place for yourself? Do you chat to anybody, like a counsellor or helpline?  And do you have some self-care strageties in place for yourself? I know this may not directly answer your questions regarding help for your daughters but just remember you can't pour from an empty cup and it sounds like you may be in a space where you're feeling quite depleted?

It sounds like you've tried a number of options so perhaps you've already done something similiar but RO does offer Parents Coaching, which may be worth a look at

[Andy002]

Hi,
I’ve realised that I’m probably not entitled to help as I don’t reside in Australia so I can’t access the coaching although it sounds a brilliant idea.
We have very little support, just one set of elderly parents who really don’t want the stress. Re counselling- Finances are extremely tight as I had an accident which led to major surgery and having to stop work. It’s all been a really tough time. There’s very little money for anything for me. I do get out and walk the dog daily to give myself a little headspace.

[gina-Ro]

Hi @Andy002,I'm sorry to hear about everything going on for you - it must be really difficult to know what to do, or where to get support. 
That is a shame that you can't access the service, and unfortunately as an Australian service we are limited in what information we can give as we mostly know and refer to Australian services. 
Having said that, given the very distressing things that have been happening, it's important that you have someone to talk to when you're feeling overwhelmed. 

If you're in the UK, you could call SANEline: 0300 304 7000 (daily, 4.30-10.30pm), or the Samaritans on: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline). 
 

Walking the dog sounds like a great way to get head space and look after yourself. 

Maybe there are other things you can do that don't cost a lot of money, to look after yourself? 

We're here to listen. 

Just wanted to let you know, that I've had to edit some of the details of our post to keep with our guidelines - this is to protect the other forum members from potentially triggering content. 

[Breez-RO]

@Andy002 Hey there you have definitely had some road blocks in your way and undoubtedly reaching out on platforms like ours shows how much resilience and will you possess. How are you feeling now after some of the feedback from the RO Parents community?

[Andy002]

Thank you for your support.
Is it the violence against me that is not allowed to be included?

Am I ok to keep posting, or would you prefer me to leave as I’m not Australian?
I find a forum easier thank you speaking over the phone as I can post privately without the children overheating me.
Thanks again for all your kind words

[Andy002]

I quite resilient, but as someone intimated, there is only so much you can handle before you run out of strength.
I have been listening to some podcasts, which talk about being responsible to yourself and not burdening yourself with everyone’s animosity. I tried that yesterday and it helped a little. I’m trying to radiate calm.

[Tulip]

Hi @Andy002 sorry to hear you are having such a hard time at it I feel for you. I know the issue is with your daughter but I also agree with the previous comments of self care, we can handle a lot more when we are feeling better and I think we are able to cope better when we are less stressed. I find just leaving the house even going to the local shop gives me a lift or walking too. Have the doctors done a brain scan or run some tests on your daughter ?She could have a learning difficulty or be on the autism spectrum I've heard it's very hard to diagnose in girls, just a thought I'm no doctor. Sometimes it takes a while to get answers but keep trying there has to be a reason for her behaviour. Hang in there x

[Tulip]

Hi @Andy002 I was able to access a psychologist for myself to help deal with my daughters issues, I have only been once but knowing someone is there for me helps tremendously, are you able to see someone at a reasonable price or covered by the government? In Australia I think we have up to 10 free visits a year.

[Andy002]

I would have to access that via the doctors and it seems that they want to give out antidepressants. I tried these before and yes they subdued my emotions a little but the didn’t stop the problems and I really didn’t enjoy being on them. Our health service is on its knees, so it’s very hard to access services like these as they seem to be for the critical cases only.