Teen sabotaging all the help that is offered to him.

[Fra_27]

Our son is 17 ( 18 in November). Two years ago he was a very social teen, nice group of friends, part time job and girlfriend. Then April last year he lost his job and the girl, he became very moody and his friends went away from him saying he had became too dark and negative. There were talks and “jokes” about suicide.
Mid last year we took him to Headspace and then our biggest nightmare began, our son decided to take his treatment into his own hands and didn’t sign the consent form we were kept totally in the dark. It was extremely hard for us to accept he was going to be medicated without knowing the right diagnostic and no one was talking to us, our son didn’t allow anyone ( psychiatrist, psychologist and school counsel). I saw a letter from the GP that said he was suffering from severe depression and that is how I found out. We had no saying on anything that was happening with our son.
He sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist but he doesn’t put in practice anything that they suggest. His sleep pattern is shocking he stays up until all hours of the night and then doesn’t get up for school. He doesn’t eat properly and doesn’t exercise. He doesn’t do the basics to look after himself. He takes the tablets and nothing else, but i don’t even think the tablets are working.
This year has been even worse with him refusing to go to school. He was on a ATAR pathway (his choice) and we had a few meetings with the school and other pathways were presented to him but he didn’t want to change even though it was obvious he was going to fail and not get his HSCs. Whenever we or the school ask what he is doing or wants to do he says “I don’t know”
Last month he hardly attended school and has been very disrespectful towards us. We tried to talk to him and we got “ I don’t even respect myself how do you expect me to respect anything or you guys” He told his dad that he is one of the reasons he thinks about suicide. Whenever we try to get him to do anything he doesn’t want to do he blames the depression. He throws tantrums and tell us we denied him treatment even though we know well that is not true, he was the one who left us out. Last year we even had to call Lifeline during one of his episodes.
We feel he is sabotaging all the helps that professionals have offered to him. He is not going back to school to finish year 12 and he isn’t doing anything to find a job or do to TAFE. He doesn’t or doesn’t want to understand that he can’t just lay around the house and do nothing and be disrespectful with us.
We feel he is using the depression to avoid responsibilities and to avoid growing up he is a very immature person and I am scared that if he doesn’t start showing that he is willing to change very soon his dad when will ask him to leave the house when he turns 18 and.

[Sister]

Hi @Fra_27,

I was sorry to read about the struggles you have been having with your son and I can truly empathise because my son suffers from depression too. Its very difficult caring for our loved ones in this situation and lots of patience is needed, thats for sure!

I reached a stage with my own son where I needed counselling too because it all became so draining. Just a few sessions was all it took for me to offload onto a professional who could be objective about the situation. There is also the on-line coaching accessable on this forum....have you tried it?

In your sons situation, safety is paramount and if he is indicating suicidal thinking or intention then it is vital that he receive the correct support. Have you tried phoning or seeing the school psychologist, psychologist or psychiatrist yourself and putting them in the picture? Confidentiality sometimes seems to have gone too far and extreme.....I found out my son had contemplated and planned suicide and the treating doctor at the time didn't even inform me! I read it on a hospital discharge summary note.

Your son is struggling, @Fra_27. I know he is testing you to the max, however depression can be debilitating in teenagers......they often can be aggressive and non-compliant as part of the condition. Talk to the professionals if you can.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Fra_27,

It sounds like your family is in a really difficult space at the moment. Safety seems to be a high priority right now, and I can hear how hard that has been when you've been left out the conversations. 

As @Sister said, we do have a 1 on 1 coaching/support service for parents that may be helpful for you and your husband to access. The aim of this program is to support parents explore concerns related to their teens, set goals and take supported action. If you are interested in learning more about this service, you can find it here.

Are you currently seeking any support for you in this difficult time?

[Fra_27]

Thank you and yes I have reached out the coaching that is offered here and I have an appointment in a couple of weeks.

[Fra_27]

Thank you for your I have reached out to the coaching and hope that will help me.

[Beemum]

@Fra_27

Firstly I want to send you love and healing.... being a parent myself in a very similar situation 3 years ago, it is extremely difficult to read what you are going through. At the same time, we made it and I know you will as I can see the love and compassion in your post.

I can not offer you any advice but I can share my story.... our beloved daughter always struggled through school, bullied, quiet, dyslexia and a caring heart that cared too much and got broken repeatedly.

By the time we got to the HSC, she had spun herself into an elaborate web of pleasing everybody but herself. She became so anxious, she could not catch the bus- I drove her, then her primary aged sister and then her preschool sister to different schools everyday- exhausting.

Finally sitting after many professional appointments- I sat and listened to her and took matters into our own hands. We dropped the atar because it’s just a number and we could get it later if needed.

To cut a long story short, it’s still a process, she finished school with her ‘frienmies’, attended the formal and now works casually in retail, whilst half arsed completing a TAFE course. She wants to attend UNI next year and study psychology.

She struggles, she’s combative, she’s antisocial and it’s complexed.

He has all the tools to be able to help himself and I’m sure he will but have you?

Being here is a great step to expressing yourself, if you see your GP ask for a mental health care plan and take care of you, that way speaking to your husband about your fears of removing your son from home- might make the conversation a little easier to approach. Your son may see you’re respecting yourself with self care and follow by self regulating healthy sleep habits, eating and joining you on your journey.

Take care mumma bear- you’ve got this with your heart of gold xx

[Breez-RO]

Hey @Beemum, great post. A wealth of info in there. It sounds like the recovery journey is still in progress for your Daughter but that she has a wonderful amount of support at home. Great points on self-care, and the need for our own emotional toolbox.

[Beemum]

@Breez-RO

Thank you for encouraging me, first time post/responder.

I think this mum is amazing and has done everything in her power to help her boy ❤️ and that really inspired me to share because I remember how daunting and vulnerable I felt as 3 years ago....

Life is full of lessons and I am truly honoured that I can continually learn from this little soul that calls me mum- especially when I thought I knew everything, that’s when I found out I have everything to learn

[Breez-RO]

@Beemum And I am hearing now that you have a lot more strength within you is that right? How empowering to look back at the journey and see how far you have come within yourself. Thank you for sharing this with the community please keep doing so.