06-15-2018 08:08 PM
A bit of a long one but so desperate for advice
i have 4 children, 3 are extremely busy, strong willed and wild at the best! I have one child who is an absolute dream!
my husband works away during the week and I'm left to raise the children, when I ask for his help on the discipline front, he shrugs his shoulders and says what do you want me to do! Best described politely as a wet rag that feels like a lodger is staying on the weekend!
my eldest is 15 he has always wanted to run before he can walk, extremely intelligent and always making, building things or trying to find a way to make a fast buck!
though now I have discovered he is using marijuana after confronting him and crying and shouting etc I am exhausted, fearful, of the impact it will have on his siblings and blatant lying that it has stopped when evidently it has not!!!!! If any of you have smelt weed you will know it's not a smell you can easily disguise! He has just sat important exams in school and his grades have been falling. He hangs around with rough people, he seems to be attracted to bad eggs!!!!!
now he is quite open with another family member about a friend of his whose uncle is a dealer and has an expensive car etc from the proceeds of drug crime. I am absolutely beside myself that he will be drawn into this life. He is a risk taker and seems to be attracted to mischief and this family member has told me he seemed super excited about how much money can be made!
i want to be able to set some rules to say that if he is caught by police that I will not support him, bail him out or visit him in jail..... if he chooses this life then he's on his own I have watched my sister go through hell with her son who ended up a heroin addict I don't think I have the constitution to deal, with the drama that she has.
any advise would be great fully relieved.
06-15-2018 10:45 PM
Firstly, welcome to the Parents Forum. It sounds like you're juggling quite a lot and have some real concerns. I gather you must be feeling like the weight of it all is on your shoulers to deal with your son.
I would wonder if it would be worth have a bit more of a detailed discussion with your husband about these concerns. I realsie that you have outlined he has been fairly hands off and it might be hard to communicate. If possible, it would be ideal to attempt to get on the same page to at least have your concerns heard. From there, maybe a plan could grow. If you have more of an idea about what exactly you would like to see from him to help, then that could be a start. So what does discapline look like for example and how can you both agree on what that might be.
As for your son, it does sound concerning and a bit of a chat about values, career and consequnces of criminal behaviour would be worth having. This would be very tough because of the emotions involved. I know it's asking the impossible, but try and park the strong emotions you are naturally feeling. The goal at this stage if for him to keep an open line of communication with you. He is likely going to shut down and hide more from you if he feels like he's going to get in even more trouble. Listening doesn't have to mean you are agreeing with his choices. Maybe have a chat to him about why you felt so strong and get him to maybe empathise a bit with why it's only natural that you would be so upset. Then attempt to understand his logic.
Talking about rules, logic and consequential thinking is the goal BUT not until the relationship is repaired. Please know you have our support and no doubt others will share their thoughts and experiences so I'm really glad you were able to take the time to share with us. Don't forget about you in all of this and get some respite by talking to some trusted friends or simply taking some time out where you don't have to be thinking about all of this.
Good luck and keep us posted,
06-16-2018 04:02 AM
Thank you kylie
my husband and I started to clean his room whilst he was in school. His room is the pits!! He had broken his shower in his en suite to hide a mason jar with cannnabis a small amount in. Inside his desk was a set up to grow cannabis, lamps and foils etc but nothing was in there. His desk was filthy and ruined so we took it out ready for the dumpster.
we picked the boys up from school and took them straight to the beach for a BBQ. He had a wobbler saying he was going out, I replied we don't always get what we want, meaning you said you were going to stop using cannabis and you haven't! He refused to get out of the car at the beach and missed out when we got back home he realised we had started sorting his room and had removed his door from his bedroom. He had a massive tantrum and smashed up things in his room. He stormed out. He normally has to be in by 10 pm he's only 15. Tonight I will lock the door at 10pm and will not answer it if he's late, I'm fed up with being a push over!
06-16-2018 05:43 AM
I don’t have much to add, just my personal experince. When you set boundaries, it gets worse before it gets better. Your change will demand a change from him. I had so many holes on the walls...then, when the tantrums had no effect, my teen calmed down. Also, I would not talk or give any attention during his spells, as long as he was not hurting anyone, but things.
I told him “I love you too much to allow you to do something you will regret or uin your life, you can’t see it now, but Im on your side”.
Wished I could be more help.
06-16-2018 07:18 AM
Thank you seek wisdom xx
he messaged to say he won't be home tonight, my husband msg him to say he needs to be back by 10pm he says he's never coming back! He's staying at his friends wise relatives are drug dealers
06-16-2018 09:30 AM
Hi @Sallyanne that is a really difficult position to be in and I feel for you. I'm sorry to hear about the massive tantrum he had and that he stormed out, I can only imagine the stress you're going through. I'm wondering if you have thought about chatting to a Counsellor to get some support around this? eHeadspace provide a free online web chat or phone counselling for individuals as well as parents concerned about a young person. You may find it useful to get some further support around this. I'll also tag some of our members for some advice @taokat @Sister @Schooner @sunflowermom
06-16-2018 02:43 PM
06-16-2018 02:45 PM
Thanks lan ro xxx we left the conservatory door open. He came back at 11 pm and is still sleeping in there at the moment. Some long talks and boundary settings later! Wish me luck
06-16-2018 03:44 PM
I am glad he came back. I have been thinking good thoughts towards you all night (Im in the US). I hope you soon can get the control and be able to enjoy your son more.
06-16-2018 05:53 PM
Thank you seek wisdom xxx