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Dear Trackle,
I get how you feel. Arguments with your children can be physically and mentally draining, regardless of the age. I myself am a teenager, and feel your your plight, as I have had several run-ins with my own mother regarding the most minor issues, such as doing chores. I find myself disagreeing mainly based on something my mother did earlier, such as cutting off my access to electronics. Try and confront them directly to ask them where the anger is coming from. During arguments with my mother, I feel like I am not doing anything wrong by standing my ground, but immediately afterwards I feel terrible, and try to make it up to her.
Something you and your children could try is the practice of listening to understand. This technique was introduced to me by my father, and it has reduced the number of heated arguments within this household significantly. While you are arguing with your children, you are both listening to respond, as in you listen to the other party's defence only to rebuke and challenge it, instead of understanding what they are trying to say. For example, if they say "Why should I have to help you carry stuff?" someone in an argument would say "I'm your mother" or "You just spent so much time on your phone" or something along those lines. My mother says these all the time. What you should try instead is to instead ask them why they think they are not obligated to help you.
Convey that you are just trying to understand them using body language. Crossing your arms as you are talking conveys rejection, as if you are not even interested in what they are trying to say. Try and maintain eye contact and leaning forward to convey that you are paying attention and are willing to listen to what the opposing party has to say. These will help steer the argument toward a more constructive conversation.
I'm afraid that that's all that I know how to help with, talking from the perspective of a teenager. Just take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your struggles with your child. Many parents say enduring this period of their child's lives is unbearable (experience), but ultimately it is worth it. Never give up!
Yours sincerely,
me
I get how you feel. Arguments with your children can be physically and mentally draining, regardless of the age. I myself am a teenager, and feel your your plight, as I have had several run-ins with my own mother regarding the most minor issues, such as doing chores. I find myself disagreeing mainly based on something my mother did earlier, such as cutting off my access to electronics. Try and confront them directly to ask them where the anger is coming from. During arguments with my mother, I feel like I am not doing anything wrong by standing my ground, but immediately afterwards I feel terrible, and try to make it up to her.
Something you and your children could try is the practice of listening to understand. This technique was introduced to me by my father, and it has reduced the number of heated arguments within this household significantly. While you are arguing with your children, you are both listening to respond, as in you listen to the other party's defence only to rebuke and challenge it, instead of understanding what they are trying to say. For example, if they say "Why should I have to help you carry stuff?" someone in an argument would say "I'm your mother" or "You just spent so much time on your phone" or something along those lines. My mother says these all the time. What you should try instead is to instead ask them why they think they are not obligated to help you.
Convey that you are just trying to understand them using body language. Crossing your arms as you are talking conveys rejection, as if you are not even interested in what they are trying to say. Try and maintain eye contact and leaning forward to convey that you are paying attention and are willing to listen to what the opposing party has to say. These will help steer the argument toward a more constructive conversation.
I'm afraid that that's all that I know how to help with, talking from the perspective of a teenager. Just take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your struggles with your child. Many parents say enduring this period of their child's lives is unbearable (experience), but ultimately it is worth it. Never give up!
Yours sincerely,
me
