Thinks she’s a adult

[Ucbe01]

My husband and I are really struggling with our 13 year old daughter. She started her period about two years ago and physically looks 16 to 17 years old. In her mind I believe she thinks we’re being unfair and it breaks our hearts to see her hysterically cry, while digging her nails into her arm. She believes she can set the rules, she’s stronger and taller than me now. She doesn’t seem to be able to communicate with her younger sisters without winding them up or being nasty. She’s a closed book won’t tell me when she’s on her period, even the mention of the word brews up a huge amount of hatred and she exits the room. I leave period pants, tampons and pads out and hope she’s listening taking in a bit of the information I’m trying to share before she slams the door in my face. She doesn’t seem to appreciate anything we do for her and when we try and explain to her how her behaviour is affecting us and the rest of the family but at the same time telling her how much we love her she rolls her eyes and pushes us away literally and physically. It’s like she hates us which I know isn’t the case but she argues back and is very rude at home and in public (in public she thinks she’s being grown up and in her eyes is showing off thinking she’s funny) but comes across as a rude child. She’s very good with her friends and very reliant on us won’t do sleepovers. There’s so much shouting, I just don’t know how to get through to her, it’s breaks my heart she’s so sad too but it’s her actions, aggression and belief she is the 3rd adult in the house that causes constant conflict with us as her parents or her sisters 10 years and 5 years.

[Natalie-RO]

Hi @Ucbe01 

Welcome to the online community. Thank you for sharing this with us, it sounds like it has been a challenging time for you and your husband, so we are glad that you have found us. I can tell how much you care about your daughter and want to help her - she is very lucky to have you!

It is understandable how difficult this must be for you and your family, it sounds like you have been trying hard to support her and be there for her which must be hard if she hasn’t been communicating with you. I know that you mentioned that she has been sad and was wondering if you were aware of anything that may be causing her to feel that way?  

Has your daughter been speaking to anyone about this or receiving any professional support? If not, would you consider taking her to see a GP for a check-up and to share some of your concerns? Your GP may even be able to provide a referral for her to see a mental health professional for some more support if needed. 

I’m also curious as to whether you have spoken to her school or if they have raised any concerns? Would you consider speaking to them about your concerns and to see if they can provide any support or if she could meet with the school counsellor if they have one?

I wanted to share this thread with you that I thought could be helpful to have a read through, it has several questions about puberty and responses from a professional along with links to more information and resources.

We also have a really great article on puberty and teenagers that I thought might be helpful for you to have a look through. It includes a list of some things to try to support your teen during puberty along with some tips on connecting with your teen, creating boundaries, and communication. 

I am also mindful of the impact that this must be having on you and your husband and was wondering what your supports looked like and if you’ve spoken to anyone about this like a family member, friend, GP or mental health professional?

If you wanted some more support, we have a free and confidential coaching service for parents and carers where you can meet with a professional family and parenting coach for some one-on-one support.