Upset son

[sarabell101]

My 11year old son found out father was cheating on his girlfriend. He was very distraught about this and had memories of our divorce due to cheating. He felt the need to tell her and offered her proof on fathers phone. Now my ex husband is blaming my 11 year old and calling him names. It has caused issues with his siblings as well and it seems everyone is picking sides. How do I comfort my son and stop the fighting amongst his siblings and his father?

[PapaBill]

wow @sarabell101 

This one is a tough one..

I don't know if it is possible to stop the fighting when something like this happens.  People are going to have strong opinions on this and want to share them.

I really don't like the idea of an adult blaming a child for their behaviour and that is one thing I think you do need to talk with your son about.   We try to teach our children about consequences for actions and it is hard when those consequences are negative.  Particularly if you consider the actions themselves to be warranted or justified.

All I can suggest is make sure that your son understands he is not responsible for anything he did not do.  He is not responsible for his father, his girlfriend, other involved adults or even his siblings behaviour.   Others may try to tell hm it "all his fault" but make sure he aware he is only responsible for his own actions (and inactions too).

Do plenty of listening too.. Ask what he did, why he did it, how does he feel about what he did now?  Be sure NOT to judge.  The purpose of this is to help him understand his feelings and work through them.. not to judge him

[sarabell101]

1. Thank you for your input. I did as you said and listened. He said that he was aware that it was not his place to say anything. After he physically caught his father with another woman in his clubhouse. While the girlfriend was in the hospital recovering from surgery. He couldn't keep quiet. He also was painfully aware that the girlfriend has four children of her own and half the age of his father. He felt a man pushing 50 should of known better. Now his father is calling him a "cop" a narc, "snitches get stitches" also told brother that he couldn't have a birthday party cause the girlfriend was planning it. I feel helpless. The fact that my son has a moral compass and his father does not is hard. I won't speak ill of my ex, but it is hard to explain this away.

[PapaBill]

hi @sarabell101 

I must admit to tempering my earlier reply to what I might say in person.  It servers no one to speak ill of your sons father.

What I will say is it does sound like your well on the way to having your son turn in to a young Man (not just a male child).  This is really really hard with the male role model in his life is demonstrating behaviours a Man would not. 

It is very tough to take a moral stand and to have your young man doing it at 10 is commendable.

Unfortunately your ex's behaviour is of concern.  If he is continuing to abuse your son with the name calling and threats ( "snitches get stitches"  is a threat to your son's physical safety imho) you may need to take action to address this with the ex.  

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @sarabell101,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your son and ex, it sounds like a difficult position to be in. How have things been this past week? 

@PapaBill has offered some fantastic advice already, and it's great that you able to talk with your son about the situation. It's okay to feel helpless, from your post I can see that you care a lot about your son and it is great that he has you in his life Have you spoken to anyone else, such as a trusted friend or other family member, about how you've been feeling? 

We're here to listen

[PapaBill]

Hi @sarabell101 

I hope things are going well for you and your son.. well as can be expected that is given the situation.

On the weekend I was relating the story you shared about your brave and moral son to a friend from India who didn't really get the subtitle negative connotations of being called a snitch, so we discussed Synonyms  and came up with Whistle Blower.

For what is worth maybe next time your son uses the word sntich (if he does) maybe you can redirect him to the great things Whistleblowers do in the world