daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

[sunflowermom]

Just an update: We took our daughter to residential treatment this week- its a 3 month program and I am told that is even considered short term.  The thought of her being away so long hurts my heart.  But we are allowed visits and I get to see her tomorrow.  She is about an hour and half away from us. So far she is really struggling- she is depressed and sleeps often and is not really talking to the other teens. She says she doesn't fit in and they come from a very different lifestyle. I pray this is just an adjustment thing and in a week or so she will adapt more. I know this program can be the intensive support she needs but I am feeling so empty and broken hearted.  I also feel guilty because in our home its quiet with no drama now.  My husband and 11 year old are left here. Maybe its an adjustment for us too after the past year of roller coaster crisis.

For now its just one foot in front of the other.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @sunflowermom, sorry to hear that this has been so upsetting for you. I imagine this would be one of the longest times you have spent away from her? I hope it can provide the support she needs and she is able to settle in with the others teens. I think it would be quite scary and she is just processing everything right now. As for home life, I can only imagine how strange it must feel without her. Do you have any plans on how to tackle the three months without her? I know it has been a trying and difficult time and perhaps it provides a time for repair and self-care, if possible.. 

[sunflowermom]

Thank you @Taylor-RO for your kind words.  I cant wait to visit her today and hug her. I miss her so much already.

My husband and I are planning to strengthen our relationship with date nights and more communication.  Our relationship has suffered immensely  this past year.  We are wanting to try a new healthy eating and exercise plan together.  Our health has been on the back burner too.  I also plan to allow my younger daughter more sleep overs in our home and more crafting time.  

@taokat  How are you?   You have been in my thoughts.

[compassion]

sunflowermom,

I am very new to this board (signed up yesterday) and, 'cyber-fate' drew me to your board.  I have yet to post the details of what is happening in our family, and I won't hijack your board by doing so here in any detail.  I will briefly say that many things run parallel to things in your dear daughter's life:  we, too, have a daughter who is of similar age, with a history of anxiety, depression, self-harm, and high-risk sexual behaviour (takes my breath away to write those words out)...and my girl is, for now, not at home.  

I've read your words--about running on an empty tank, the feeling of responsibility keeping your family afloat, the ongoing surprise and sadness when peeling back the layers of your daughter's life, and those moments of loneliness, fear, and sadness.  We miss our daughters, not only because they are not at home right now, but, in my case, I desperately miss who I knew/know her to be.

How did your visit with you daughter go?  I hope that you had moments of connection and hope.  

And, I hope things with your husband are strengthening, and that you are feeling 'held up' by those who care about you and your family. 

[gina-Ro]

@compassion  welcome to the forum  
What you've said about missing your daughters not just when they are not home, but missing who they used to be, is something so many of us can relate to when mental ill-health seems to change the people we love. 

This in itself is a painful grieving process. 
My heart goes out to you @sunflowermom , and I echo @compassion's hope that you are getting the support you need,being 'held up' by those that care.  And that with time, life will adjust to this new normal, and you daughter is able to benefit from the treatment. 

[1stressedmum]

Hello again

I read in pain, angst and awe at how we mums can survive. My daughter moved out before she turned 18 and I thought it was only temporary while she is doing her HSC but yesterday while doing the laundry I was discussing some new furniture to make the place more comfortable for her, she announced that’s she’s not coming home.
Of course I was shocked and hurt that she had made this decision and without talking to me.
I lashed out in my pain and said if she wasn’t returning I’ll pack up her room.
Prior to this I thought we were making progress.
She walked out. I shut myself in the cupboard and fell to pieces. Is it wrong that we feel pain. Why should they be the only ones to need help. It was at that moment that I could see no light at the end of the tunnel and I wanted to die.
My head was spinning and my hands were tingling with pins and needles I couldn’t breath. Life would have been easier if it just stopped.
I called a help line any one as I couldn’t focus my eyes or my thoughts.
But after calming down it was put to me that my being there and always there maybe her strength.

Life must go on and us mums must be there. On reflection it is my daughter that has self harmed, attempted suicide, been sexually abused and dealing with the HSC, not me.

Bless all the mums for just being there. XOX

[sunflowermom]

Hello

Thank you for the loving words and wishes @compassion  and @gina-Ro.  You are so right that I am still grieving for who she used to be.  And what is that new normal going to look like when the dust clears.  Its so hard not having her home- From the outside looking in people don't understand why she is in treatment.  They don't understand it was the last resort, they think it is a parental failure.  Its not my place to make the world understand- so I just keep my head down and one foot in front of the other.  The visit with her yesterday was amazing.  Just to see her sweet face.  Although her depression is still overwhelming her.

@compassionplease feel free to share your story here any time your ready- I have found when I feel like I cant help myself even talking about my struggles helps someone else not feel so alone.

@1stressedmumMy heart breaks for you, I feel your pain, the rollercoaster of emotions and even locking yourself away to fall apart.  I have done that more times than I care to remember this past year.  How is it that we can fall into the deepest despair and anguish and still pull ourselves up and be ready for our children when they need us?  I think it says so much for our strength and love of our family.  Please be gentle and loving to yourself.  Hugs.

[Taylor-RO]

Hello @1stressedmum, that must have been a lot to hear from your daughter. It sounds like you have really been looking forward to her coming home to live. It is normal and expected to be upset and to feel like you need extra support. It is more than okay to seek this support and to take care of yourself as your needs and health are important too. You should be really proud of yourself for calling the helpline in regards to focusing your thoughts - it truly is amazing and brave. It sounds like this was quite a heightened moment for you and you had thoughts of dying and your life stopping. I feel for you and how upsetting this has been but I am wondering if you are currently or continuously having these thoughts? Are you feeling safe? Is there support you need to reach out to in order to address these thoughts? Whilst you are there to support your daughter, we cannot fill another from our own empty cup. You also deserve the same attention you pour into others

[gina-Ro]

Hi there @1stressedmum, my heart breaks for you also. How awful to hear your daughter moving out after everything else. Your question about mum's feeling pain really makes a good point. 

As parents so much of the focus is on getting your teens through highschool and getting them the support they need... but of course you need support too! And the emotions and pain you take on as a mum is huge, and incredibly difficult. 

Please access some support for yourself as a priority. 

Well done for calling the helpline - good thinking in what sounds like a very overwhelming moment.  

Who else can you get support from? 

[gina-Ro]

Hi @sunflowermom - It must be hard to deal with the judgement and perceptions of others, but at the end of the day you know your family best, and you have made the decisions that you trust are best for everyone. 

So glad to hear about the visit you had with her yesterday You being there with her through her depression, and showing up - will mean a lot to even (even if she can't show it at the moment. )  

I'm going to quote your words back to you , continue to be "gentle and loving to yourself." Let us know how everything is going.