single mom 15 y/o daughter & I cant seem to connect

[mmpettit85]

Hello, I feel a bit out of place coming for advice because my daughters are both actually very good & responsible young ladies who get straight A's, have jobs & both in marching band and do very well. My problem is with my youngest. She is very blunt & critical of others especially me.When anyone tried to point this out to her she always has an excuse or days she's joking. She says I'm toxic and a gaslighter. My oldest says I'm not though. Their dad hasn't really been involved for the past several years and my youngest was never particularly close to him either. She is a very headstrong & independent person but seems to see herself as better than others, her ideas are always better, everyone else is stupid and she's always right  even when  she knows she is wrong she will still argue about something til u give up. I try my best to be involved as much as they allow me to be. if I ask questions they get mad & shut me out say I'm being nosy and annoying but yet if I leave them be and allow them privacy then she says I don't care enough to get to know her. She pays for her own phone bill and so pays for her car & insurance so I really can't justify taking either of those away for punishment because she pays for them and also she shares the car with her older sister for time being because she only has a permit and my oldest car broke down but she has a license and drives them both to work & school. The youngest REFUSES to help around the house either ANYTHING! my oldest has been good about cleaning etc. she's also been more than willing to help pay bills a few times when I couldn't work due to having surgery. the youngest brought me home food a couple nights the week I had surgery because I couldn't do much and she got me drinks a few times. you'd think she gave me the moon though on a crystal platter everyday of her life. She also has guilt tripped me now for the 1 time she helped pay the electric bill. her sister has helped many times without guilt tripping. the oldest also tries to talk to the younger one and tell her she's being very disrespectful and she needs to apologize to me and recognize everything I've done for them and sacrificed.  I get no child support. at one time I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet but have since cut back to one because I can't keep killing myself working to death. I don't have a boyfriend or many friends and I do nothing outside of going to work and coming home.  I go to all of their band performances and encourage them in whatever they do. she doesn't do drugs or smoke but recently took a bottle of vodka a d drank it all without even asking (I probably wouldn't let her because she's a minor but still the principal.of the matter being she didnt ask to drink something that didn't belong to her). I told her she owes me the cost of replacing it and she refuses. she got mad at me for refusing to buy her friend pods and butane and got very rude and said hurtful things to me a few times now. she never sees anything wrong with how she talks to people especially me and always has a reason to justify it or so she thinks it does. she acts like I never try to be involved or get to know her yet when I do she gets irritated and says I'm too nosy and annoying and it's none of my business. she constantly leaves without asking or even letting me know where she's going or with who. she only hangs out with 1 girl so it's not hard to figure out but she doesn't get that I'm responsible for her and I need to know her whereabouts. her response is that I don't always tell her where I'm going or who with. well I'm the adult and if I was to knock on her door I'd get barked at and I don't really even go anywhere but work and store occasionally. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I feel like she may be self conscious and puts on a tough girl persona to cover that up and also I'm questioning if she may possibly be co fused about her sexuality? she doesn't have boyfriends or even talk about cute boys or show interest but hasn't really shown that with girls either but recently the only girl she hangs with who's her best friend, she spent well over $100 on bday things for her and has been doing some overly kind things for her more so than anyone else ever. I kindve wonder if she has developed some feelings for this girl and doesn't know how to handle it or is embarrassed. if I ask her or try to get anything out of her or give an opportunity for her to talk she will get an attitude and shut me out. she is very introverted and doesn't go with any other friends. stays I  her room 24/7 except work & school & occasionally dinner outing with her bestie. I have bent over backwards and busted my tail for my girls and have no problem doing so cuz that's what a mother should do. I do my best to talk to them and let them express themselves, I try not to be a nag and always praise them for job well done. I constantly brag on them and thank them for helping me. I may not do it as often as I should and maybe don't talk to them or spend 1 on 1 time as much as I should but its hard when  I'm working full time and she wants nothing to do with me when we're both home and able to spend time. my oldest had a small phase at this age but wasn't beseky as rude and disrespectful as my youngest is being. she says I don't raise her she raises herself and I treat her like an adult but she acts like she wants that and she's more responsible than many adults I know! I raise them to be independent and I'm glad for that because I feel it's important but now I feel she resents me for it? nothing I do is ever food enough or right or goes unnoticed and unappreciated but she says I'm the one who acts that way. I know teens will be teens and much of this is normal but her sister was never this terrible to me or other people. I know their different people but I don't know what to do. I'm very hurt by her harsh words and how she sees me and treats me. I want so badly to connect with her and digure out if this is an underlying issue we need to address or what exactly it is but she bucks me at every turn. I'm at a complete loss and I'm devastated and wondering where I went wrong and what to do from here. how do I get her to see how her words and the way she treats myself and sometimes other people is hurtful and unacceptable. she seems to have no regard for others feelings much of the time and has herself on a pedestal. any advice is so very appreciated. sorry for the lengthy post I just wanted to provide as much info as I could to help anyone giving an answer. thank you in advance. God bless all parents especially those either teens! 

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @mmpettit85,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your youngest daughter. It must be so heart breaking to be in your situation, especially as your other daughters are supportive and respectful towards you. It is obvious that you are trying to connect with your youngest daughter but it isn't going the way that you planned. You have talked about quite a few behaviours where your youngest daughter becomes irritated, is rude to you, shuts you out, barks at you and disrespectful towards you. When did you first noticing this happening? Was anything significant happening for you, your daughter or your family at that time?

I am also really sorry to hear about the impact that this is having on you. It is totally understandable that this is causing you to feel hurt and upset. I also imagine you must be feeling quite frustated, exhausted and stuck. It can be difficult to give so much as a parent if it is not appreciated or respected. You might be right in thinking that something is going on for your daughter behind the scenes. Does she have anyone she can talk to for support? Like a mental health professional or a counsellor?

I was also wondering if you have any support at the moment? Going through something like this can be really tough and it is important to have people to talk to or things to keep you occupied. You could also consider family counselling, if this is something that is available where you live. I noticed that you live in the USA and we are an Australian service, so unfortunately we can't provide local referrals or resources.. but you are more than welcome to continue using our forums

Please keep us updated!