My daughter's friend lies - I can't trust her,. Now what?

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My daughter's friend lies - I can't trust her,. Now what?

My daughter just started high school.  She met this girl last year and we had her over.  During that time we caught her lying and I find her totally untrustworthy.  My daughter says, she is nice to her and I should get over it.  My point to her is that I need to trust that your friends will be honest.  Her friend is not allowed to come over and I have said that you guys can hang out at school, but going to the mall etc..is not happening.  However, in high school group social situations they can always hang out and they talk on the phone daily.  Any helpful hints?

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Re: My daughter's friend lies - I can't trust her,. Now what?

Hi @librarising welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that your daughter's friend has been lying, that's a tricky position to be in. It sounds like you've definitely done what you can in terms of setting respectful boundaries around the friendship with your daughter's best interest at heart. I'm wondering if her friendship is causing any disruptions at school or with her school work? If so, would it be possible to speak to a school counsellor for some support? If it's not causing her any issues, would it be okay to monitor from a distance if that makes sense? I'm going to tag some of our members for some support @Helpful_Mum @Sammeebee @Happy @HippyMum I've also noticed that you are based outside of Australia so I just wanted to advise that our resources are for services located within Australia. We're here to listen and support you Heart

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Casual scribe

Re: My daughter's friend lies - I can't trust her,. Now what?

Hi Lan-Ro and thank you for your reply.  Her friend is not causing disruptions at school; unfortunately they share a locker.  It bothers me that my daughter overlooks her lying and finds it okay as long as her friend is nice to her. I realize that in order for this friendship to sever that her friend will need to do something directly to my daughter so that she is personally affected, but it is challenging for me personally.  Her friend was in foster care, but to be honest I don't know what to believe.  For some background, I first me her when she came over, my daughter informed me that she lived with foster parents.  She was picked up two hours late - during that time I offered to drive her home, but she said don't worry about it they are on their way.  I thought it was a little odd for her to be picked up 2 hours late, but I shrugged it off since it was a Saturday.  The nest time she came over my duaghter asked because as I was picking her up from school she said that her friend forgot her key and had no way to get into the house; that her foster dad gets off of work at 5:30 and would pick her up by 6:00, so I said okay.  This time she was picked 3 hours late, but this is when I realized she was lying. After about an hour past pickup time I asked for her foster dad's phone number and started texting him.  At one point I asked her friend if she needed to spend the night because she kept telling me he's on his way, or I don't know what is taking so long. However, after I mentioned the sleeping over I received a call from him within 10 minutes. I explained the reason why I offered for her to sleep over is because I didn't know when she was ever going to get picked up and since she has no key to get in what else am I supposed to do?  He then told me that he has been available since 6:00 to come get her and I got quiet on the phone and said that is not what she has been telling me. Suffice to say I questioned my duaghter's friend about it and she said that her foster dad was dishonest.  I had him come to the door when he picked her up and I was very clear to  both of them that open communication was needed and that future plans need to be cleared with the foster dad.  About 1 week later my daughter says that her friend needs to spend the night because her foster dad is going out of town and he doesn't want her to be by herself, so I text him and ask if that is the case and it is not. He is going to go snowboarding for one day, but she is fine by herself and he even offered to take her to her Aunt's.  So now my daughter's friend is backtracking what she originally said, and these are the foster dad's own words, "Wow, I'll have a talk with her. She's welcome to spend the night but lying to try to get that happen isn't ok with me..."  I responded saying, "I don't know you or K** very well and to honest this is strange to me. He responds, "What's strange?  THat she is misleading people to get what she wants? Yes, it has been an issue since she's lived with us.  She also has some great qualities."

 

We let her sleep over about a week later and then about 2 weeks later another incident happened and that is when I decided it was enough and that K*** isn't welcome at our house anymore.  She was placed with a different foster family and that lasted about 3 weeks.  She told my daughter originally that the foster family told her that the placement wasn't going to work out unless she cut all ties with her blood relatives.  I found that claim to be highly suspicious and sure enough a couple of weeks later K*** told her that that foster family said she wasn't keeping her room clean enough and not following the rules.  From my experience I suspect there was more to the situation since it lasted 3-4 weeks. I guess she now lives with her stepmother, which I also question. She told me that she was in foster care because her parents were arrested for drugs, but now she has a stepmother?  Sorry for the diatribe, it's frustrating.  As you can see her lies haven't affected my daughter personally, but for me I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.  What if they are together and something really happens. How am I supposed to believe that she will tell the truth?

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Re: My daughter's friend lies - I can't trust her,. Now what?

Hi @librarising, thank you for explaining more of the situation  - I can understand why you are concerned by all of this behaviour .


it sounds like your daughters new friend has had a disjointed and challenging home environment for a while now. Foster care is never easy for young people, and often feels very insecure and unstable for them. This could explain some of what she is doing   - perhaps the most effective form of communication she knows at the moment, is to lie in order to get what she needs. That said, it doesn't excuse the behavior, but may help to explain some of it. 

With these things in mind, it sounds like you've been setting up some very important boundaries - by communicating with the foster parents / whoever she is in the care of, around pick up times, and organsising things ahead of time you are setting some good boundaries. 
If your daughter chooses to be friends with this girl, could you have a conversation with her around the boundaries she can set for the friendship? Do you trust your daughter to have honest conversations with you? 

If she wants to invite the friend over again, is there a way that you would be comfortable for that to happen- if you had more information about home-situation for example?

 

 

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