Am I Spiralling into depression again?

[George96]

Hi. I have a 12 day old newborn and a 21 month old toddler.
I was worried that I wasn't going to love this baby as much as I love my toddler however I'm finding the opposite issue.
My toddler is violent towards me and just never listens but isn't like that towards her dad.
I just want to hide away in bed with my newborn whilst dad looks after our toddler because It just feels too hard and makes me really sad.
I have BPD, depression and anxiety that is currently being treated with medication and therapy. But I haven't spoken to anyone about how I'm feeling as I feel guilty, embarrassed and deeply ashamed. Everyone is always telling me how perfect at being a mum I am and It just makes it harder.

Now I'm worried that my depression is coming back because I am just tired all the time and don't want to leave bed but hubby goes back to work next week and I have to look after them on my own.

[Andrea-RO]

Hi @George96, I can imagine that this would have been a bit difficult for you to share, so I really appreciate you talking about what's going on for you right now  

It sounds like things are really overwhelming and exhausting for you right now, and I can only imagine that this would be amplified not only from the fact that you've only recently given birth, but also that your partner is going back to work. I can also imagine that feelings of guilt and shame around feeling this way could also be making things worse as well. 

While I definitely can't make any sort of diagnosis, I would really advocate you to speak to your doctor, as it sounds like you may be experiencing some symptoms of postnatal depression. This is something that is extremely normal among new mothers, and 1 in 9 people will experience postpartum depression. It's something that can without a doubt make you feel isolated, hopeless, and empty, but there is help available I noticed that your IP is from Adelaide, so I've checked some of the services that might be relevant for you. I believe that there is a Postnatal Midwifery home visiting service for those who have recently given birth. Another really fantastic resource is PANDA which is an Australian organisation which specialises in giving support to parents and families experiencing anxiety and depression during and the first year after pregnancy. They also have a hotline that operates Mon-Sat, 9am-7:30pm AEST

I really hope this information helps at all, but please don't be afraid to let us know how you're feeling and to check back in at any time

[George96]

I know it was really hard for her as well as myself as I was gone for 6 days. I had a 4 day labour and 2 days recovery. When I got home she wanted nothing to do with me as a self presentation method in case I had to go again. Which I did, as baby developed jaundice and we ended up being admitted again. And then when we got home from that, I had to be admitted myself due to severe mastitis and they thought I had cysts. Luckily I didn't.
Its all been A LOT to deal with.

I love her so much I just feel like its too hard and I dont have the energy to deal with her. Its hurting me so bad.

I will definitely reach out to my doctor, its just really hard and confronting to make that initial contact and admitting defeat.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @George96 , 

My heart really goes out for you reading this post- it sounds like you and your little one have both been through a lot in the last 12 days, it sounds like an incredibly challenging period. I'm a mum of 2 myself, and I know how hard the early weeks can be even without those kinds of complications...  a 21 months is a delightful but sometimes very challenging age as well! It is completely understandable that you'd be feeling drained and exhausted.  You say that you feel like reaching out to your doctor is admitting defeat - I think it actually shows a huge amount of strength and courage. 

I thought this program might also be something that you could find helpful - the Gidget Foundation specialise in perinatal mental health and anxiety, and they offer a video counselling service called Start Talking - it's free with a GP referral and lasts for 10 sessions, I've just linked you to some info here in case you'd like to check it out. 

Do you have any friends or family that can give you some practical help when your partner goes back to work? Sometimes even having a few frozen meals that you can throw in the microwave, or someone to take the baby for a walk so you can nap can make a huge difference.    

Thinking of you- you sound like a strong and loving mum, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help when you need it