Daughter probably bisexual

[Frances_SJI]

Hello parents and children,

I am a mom to a 12 turning 13 year old daughter. Since she turned 9 our relationship has changed for the worse. Now looking back it may have something to do with her being a bisexual. I’m not sure what she is as she hasn’t admitted anything to me.

There had been so many changes in our lives since she was 9 (moved, changed elementary schools, left childhood friends, pet died). The stresses of moving in, renovations, and my constant criticisms and nagging of my husband and children’s mistakes did not help. At age 10 she and her dad was called in by her principal because of her journal that was given to the latter by one of her classmates containing drawing or maybe writings of **bleep** which embarrassed her a great deal. This scarred her for life and she was never the same to us or to any educators. She has developed a great deal of mistrust to her parents and most everyone. She doesn’t talk to us much anymore and keeps a lot of her feelings to herself and her journal. Sometimes I see drawings of deprecating bodies with both large breasts and **bleep** together with words ugliness, acceptance, violence, kill or hatred in the paper. This saddens me a lot but more so afraid for her well being. I know she is depressed and it may be because she has sexuality issues that she cannot reveal to us as she’s to afraid to be judged. She feels that every conversation with us will end up in an argument that she doesn’t want to start.

How do I support her? How do I win her trust again? How do I protect her from other people that may judge her for her sexuality?

We are enrolling her in a Christian school (from public) because of the pandemic. I’m afraid that if they learn of her sexual views and opinions that this may traumatize her even more. She suffered enough from us her parents. I have realized my mistakes and is still working on changing which is difficult at my age and the upbringing I had but I’m willing to do for my daughter. I am so afraid that her inability to reach out is causing her so much feeing of emptiness and despair that she recently called a suicide hotline.

To any parents who’ve been through the same experience and to those children who’s ever suffered from the same, please help me by giving some thoughtful advise.

[Philippa-RO]

Hi @Frances_SJI and welcome to the forums, it’s so great to have you here. I’m really glad you were able to reach out to the community for support. I just wanted to acknowledge how many changes you’ve made in your parenting and how much courage it takes to face those areas where we know we’re struggling.
It’s obvious how much you love your daughter and how much you want to see her thrive.

I’m a parent to teens myself and I understand how hard it can be to know how best to support them, especially when they’re not feeling able to tell you what’s going on for them.
It sounds like your daughter is going through a really hard time right now – is she receiving any professional support at the moment?

In terms of how to support your daughter, you’ve already taken the first (and biggest) step in wanting to be there for her and trying to win her trust.

One thing that I think can be helpful when your child is questioning their sexuality is to try to show that you’re an ally for all LGBTQIA+ people. For example, if you are able to speak positively about people with diverse sexualities, to not allow negative talk or insults in your home, or to share books or tv shows that are positive about different sexualities, this is likely to make home feel like a safer place for your daughter to be herself.

I think it’s completely normal to wish we could protect our children from the negative opinions of others, but unfortunately I’m not sure it’s possible. But by putting in the effort you are to support your daughter and trying to be a safe person for her, you are giving her resources to cope with any negativity she faces.

Here are some links to great resources about supportive parenting, getting help for teenagers and supporting young people with their sexuality or depression on the ReachOut website.  
I hope these are helpful, and please feel free to reach out to the community any time because we are here to support you.