Disappointed with how family life has turned out

[purpledaisy87]

Hi, I feel so down lately, I'm just so disappointed in how my life has turned out, I never imagined I'd end up like this.

I'm in my 30s, have a 1yo and another baby on the way. The thing that I find most disappointing is just the lack of support at home, I feel like I'm doing everything on my own. I have to do all meal prep for bubs, all paperwork for childcare, doctors, organise immunisations etc. Everything. My husband has made a proper meal for her once, he's cooked meat a couple of times which was too tough and she couldn't eat it, that's it (I'm vegetarian, so have struggled with not knowing how to cook meat), but that's still on me majority of the time.

I'm now back at work and feel like my workload has doubled, I go to work and come home and cook and clean and play with out daughter. My husband works a couple of days a week, if that, he has more free time than me but just doesn't help. He thinks he does though, I've brought it up with him so many times, but he's so dismissive. He barely has anything to say about it, once he even bignoted himself and said he's a good husband compared to other guys because he cooks and cleans. But in reality, if he cooks he cooks only for himself, if he 'cleans' he'll wash his plate/fork/cup etc, just the dishes he's used, not everything.

I find it so annoying that this all just fake on dead ears with him. I don't know what else I'm meant to do.

[Blake-RO]

Hey @purpledaisy87 

Welcome to the Online Communities!

I'm sorry to hear that you have been experiencing this and are feeling this way but I'm really glad that you have found our forums and have been able to share this with us. We know that it can be challenging to talk about these things and to reach out for support, it takes a lot of courage so we really appreciate your honesty and bravery in doing so.

It is clear how much your daughter means to you and how much you do for her, even whilst juggling so much already - she is incredibly lucky to have such a strong, caring and devoted mother like yourself.

It sounds like you have had a lot going on right now, and a lot of responsibility to take care of everyone at home as well as now returning to work. It is very understandable that you are feeling this way as this is a lot for anyone to be dealing with.

I can hear how disappointing and difficult it must be to not be receiving much support at home and having to do all of this on your own. I know that you mentioned that you have brought this up with your husband several times before and I'm sorry to hear that he was dismissive. If you would like to speak to someone about this, Relationships Australia provide counselling services and online resources that you may find helpful.

I was also wondering whether you had any other supports or whether you have spoken to anyone about this like a friend, family member, GP or mental health professional? It's important to know that you don't have to deal with this alone and that you deserve all the support available.

Thank you again for sharing this with us, we want you to know that we are all here to listen and support you.

[Birdwings]

Dear purpledaisy87

I am so sorry to hear you're struggling and from what I remember of that period when my kids were young, it's tough going and a big adjustment for both parents. Did you go to mother's group and do you have a support group of other mums you can talk to? I also went to playgroup with my kids, which can be tricky when you're working. My kids are now 19 and 17 and admittedly we've lived in the one house all these years but my kids have friends they've known all their lives through playgroup and I also still know they're parents even if we don't hang out socially. 

I remember when I did mother's group, we had to write a list of both the pros and cons since having the baby. The list of cons was probably 3 times as long as the pros and I think we were all a bit down at the time but what this shows is that parenting a young baby isn't easy and it's difficult to recalibrate relationships and who does what. One thing we were advised to do is to schedule some downtime for each of us to do something which was important to us. Perhaps, you'd like to exercise or read a book 30 minutes a day. Maybe dad could take your daughter for a walk to give you some time. Naturally, it would also be good if he'd take on more of the chores and see your family as a team. I am not expert on that front as I need to get our teens to do more of the chores. 

Talking to your baby health nurse would be a good port of call. 

Also do you have any family around who would be willing to help out? 

Anyway, there's just a few ideas and please keep in touch if you need more support. You don't need to go it alone.

Love,

Birdwings

[MimiCoco]

Just sending solidarity.

I've been feeling like this a lot recently.

Take care of yourself.