I kinda hate my step son...

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Casual scribe

I kinda hate my step son...

So my husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have my stepson, Oliver (10) and our daughter that we have together, Sadie(7). We have been together since Oliver was about 6 months old. Going into the relationship I was fine with being with someone having a child. I do not have issues with him not being mine. Oliver is just, difficult. He's lazy, short attention span. He smells- always! He doesn't wipe his butt very well( we have tried everything with him from punishing to rewards on teaching him correctly, he just doesn't wipe well.) His fee, etc. He's very socially awkward and can get annoying very quickly. He's behind at school. He's doesn't have many friends and gets bullied sometimes. We got custody of him from his mom about a year and a half ago. She's a loser. She voluntarily gave him to us. No courts involved. She never comes to get him. He's always here- and I hate it. It used to be me and my daughter and my husband. I feel like my relationship with my daughter isn't as close because I don't want to be a complete **bleep** and exclude him. I just really kinda feel like I'm on auto pilot when he's around. Grin and bearing it. I was fine with seeing him every other weekend! Now HE IS ALWAYS HERE. And my husband works a lot so it's pretty much me raising him. I'm sure my negative feeling are being picked up by him and I don't want that. This is starting to put a strain on my marriage and I need help. Please.
Mod

Re: I kinda hate my step son...

Hey @Norakirk0213 welcome to Reach Out and thanks for sharing your situation here. I can see how challenging it is for you to feel like you're raising your stepson full time, whereas before you saw him only every other weekend. It's even more difficult because his bio mom doesn't see him and on top of that, your husband works long hours. I also feel for your step son, having gone through some difficult situations in his life already. I think it's commendable that you want to protect him from the negativity you experience. 

 

Have you discussed your feelings about all of this with your husband? Maybe before you do that, you can try and identify what your needs are at the moment (in relation to parenting your stepson). Do you need some time to yourself? Do you need for your stepson's dad to be there more than he currently is? 

 

There are some parenting-related resources that you can look into (in addition to ReachOut Parents resources):

 

Sharing here on RO is a great step, sometimes talking about the things that are weighing us down can help us feel heard and 'lighter'. So please, continue to share here.

Prolific scribe

Re: I kinda hate my step son...

Hi @Norakirk0213 wow! Thank you for your candour . To acknowledge that you " hate " a child must be so hard , especially your step son , and also very brave  of you .  To be able to recognise this is a sign to me that you are a very good person who is struggling  deeply . It must be really hard if you are parenting him alone too ! 

I agree with you that he will feel or sense this in some way even if you are being really careful around him and trying your best . 

I agree with @Mona-RO it is important that you express to your husband that you are " not coping " with both children alone and that you need more support with your son . If your relationship with him is strained and he has no regular buffer with his Dad around to be a mitigating force of calm , love and support then it will escalate . I know of an exact situation like this and the child is off the rails and the relationship went south . I don't want to scare you but the reality is it will get worse if you and your husband are not a united force with a plan of action .Some suggestions : 

Your husband find time every week at the same time to spend time alone with Oliver doing "boy " things . 

Yiu get time alone with Sadie to do " girl" things . 

You get time to yourself  without children to be with girlfriends , laugh and have fun . 

You and your husband have nights without the children to connect and discuss ways to deal with  the children . 

You make sure you have dinner as a family at least a few nights a week, where you can chat and also discuss and reiterate rules of the house . Dad needs to step up and back you up if Oliver is being lazy . Rules and consequences - no video games or TV until chores are done . Stick to the plan . 

In terms of your relationship with Oliver - you are the adult , you have to work to get along with him and teach him loving interaction and good behaviour . Catch him doing something good when he is not aware and praise him :"  Wow Oliver you sat and read quietly so well in your room " , "  Thank you for taking out the rubbish when I asked I really appreciate it " 

" You have cleaned your room so well today well done " If he's not at that level praise him for  the simplest of things : brushing his teeth ! Speaking nicely to his sister whatever you catch him doing well . 

Pick your battles - if you argue with him over EVERYTHING it will define your relationship forever and you will be exhausted and stressed . If you pick a battle make sure you win - every time . 

Try to find time to do something with just him each week , like a card game , UNO ? or  read a book together and chat about the characters . Something that takes the focus away from his " annoying " traits and you can just " be " . 

The less attention you give him , the more he will grab for it even if its negative attention it's better than nothing . He needs to feel valued and loved to behave better . Sounds like there needs to be a lot to repair from his mothers abandoment too . This must be difficult for you all . Perhaps Dad can talk to him about this and sort something out with his mum for visitations ? 

Perhaps get in touch with a step parenting group for support and guidance? 

Let us know how you go . Please seek family counselling if you can't find a resolution and soon . He will get older and it will get harder to reverse the damage . 

So sorry to hear this is happening to you ! Best of luck 😊

 

Casual scribe

Re: I kinda hate my step son...

@motherbear I can't tell you what that's means. I was honestly so scared that everyone e was going to attack me and tell me I'm awful. It SUCKS having these feeling. I do love him because he has been a part of me so long, but just **bleep** it if he isn't so difficult. Thank you 1000 times for your response. It is greatly appreciated.
Casual scribe

Re: I kinda hate my step son...

@Mona-RO
Thank you so much! I do need to find what it is I need to cope better. And I am excited to read the information you listed. I appreciate your help and support!
Prolific scribe

Re: I kinda hate my step son...

Hi @Norakirk0213  So glad this was helpful . Please know we are here to support you and help you find strategies to deal with this. I am hoping parents with step kids will share their stories of  dealing with blended families perhaps @Mona-RO may know some of these parents on the forum to tag them in with their tips ?

You are not alone, and I know there will be many step parents who struggle with this.  Stay strong and work the problem. Your family is worth it.  You are a great Mum . 

 

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Parent Peer Supporter

Re: I kinda hate my step son...

hi @Norakirk0213, it can be very hard when we don't feel loving towards step children - I too struggle. And I don't think we are the only 2 either - its very common. There are so many dynamics in blended families and you have a couple of additional issues happening.

 

When I read your original post I must say though that one of my thoughts was has this boy been tested for any kind of delay or being on the spectrum ? His behaviours and habits do sound a bit unusual? I just wonder if that was able to be explored it might help with some intervention/therapy. 

 

I think a frank conversation with your husband is needed for sure - how do you feel about talking to him about this? Are you worried?