Internet Access suggestions for defiant teenager

[Hootbayne]

While I appreciate this is possibly the most common problem for parents I am seeking more suggestions.

My partner has 15 and 13 year old sons, the 15 year old suffers from trauma albeit he has never opened up precisely what the cause was.

He sits on his bed with a sheet over his head playing fortnite. His language is abusive, he refuses to come out from his room, urinating and defecating and eating in it.

He refused to attend school for the last month.

Any rule we put in place is viewed as bullying.

What we have done is set rules per device (4 hours a day, which I believe is far too much, but significantly less than in the past).

What I am trying to find out is there a way I can set the modem that you need to be close to it to access it, in other words the opposite of what people normally ask when they want stronger internet. 

I could provide so much more information, but think the important thing for readers to know is that I am 3 and a half hours away and only get to see my partner on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so while I can be strong she finds it nearly impossible to be tough on her natural son when I am not there.

In addition because there were set up in a home for battered women and children we provided many things for them such as televisions in. their rooms, but these too have caused issues and I would like to remove them and have them at least come out to the lounge room.

The eldest b oy has no friends whatsoever, is good at sport but refuses to participate.

we have seen many experts who have advised us they cannot force the troubled boy to attend and are trying to help us by giving us the tools to deal with him, but we do not seem to be getting anywhere.

There is much more, but will see whether I get any responses as this is my first attempt using a chat forum.

[JAKGR8]

This is so tough. Teens can find so many ways to avoid and make us feel bad at the same time. I’m currently limiting device access to our modem but I can’t find a way to just weaken it. I have set mine up to only allow them access at certain times. I know a Mum who was in a similar situation to yours and her boys just learnt they had to be finished or saved whatever they were doing before 6pm when they were locked out. She said she had to be tough the first few times but they didn’t argue after that. 

Maybe they can negotiate more time when they do more positive things.  Going to school might be too much but maybe they could get a minute internet for every minute they spend on an educational app, game or activity. 

I wish your family all the best as you get through this. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Hootbayne, welcome to ReachOut and thanks for accessing our forums. I don't think that there is that type of option for the internet, although the best place to ask would be your internet service provider. It sounds like there may be a lot going on for this boy that could be manifesting in his use of the internet and staying inside his room. You mention he does not want to attend counselling - there are online options like eHeadspace and Kids Helpline that have phone counselling and web chat. This can be less scary for kids to start off with as it is anonymous and less confronting. We have some previous threads here on internet use from others users that you may wish to read through.

I will tag some other users for support @Cadbury@taokat @sunflowermom @compassion @Schooner @Orbit64

[Hootbayne]

Thanks so much JA I have a couple of other responses and are going to save them all and try and find a solution of sorts. Take care Wayne (Hootbayne)

[Hootbayne]

Thanks so much Taylor-RO I have a couple of other responses and are going to save them all and try and find a solution of sorts. Take care Wayne (Hootbayne)

[sunflowermom]

Hey there @Hootbayne

The internet is a tough one.  In our home we had to limit my daughters phone use and monitor it for quite some time.  The best way we found was to have the modem in our rood and turn it off at night.  I know they are using games and the phone as an escape but eventually they need to be in the real world a bit.

Is it possible to make a counseling appointment and say to your teen, you wanna play fornite you must go to counseling, or school or however you want to start.

If he gives some then you give some.  Teens are so much trial and error- I know I have made plenty of mistakes in trying to find boundaries, punishments and ways of communication.  Just don't give up and keep going until something strikes a cord with your teen.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Hootbayne

You have raised such an important issue that so many parents here can relate to.

What are your thoughts on the suggestions here? If you do find a way to reduce the radius of internet, please let us know- I am sure this is something other parents would be interested in hearing.

It sounds like, @sunflowermom, having the modem in your room so you can choose when it is on has been a strategy in your home. Has this been effective in reducing the screen time in your family?

[Hootbayne]

Thanks sunflowermom, for fear of puttimg in too much information I did not include everything, I was always concerned righty from the start, ours is a rental property and I asked for the connection point to be in the bedroom, but was knocked back being told that it had to be where the telephone point already was. In addition, for the provider we use, they have an app which it enables me to turn it off remotely, but the drawback here is that it turns it off for everyone and is for 4 hours, so I set alarms to wake me and turn it off again, the phone continues to work, which is useful. I will continue to try and like you have said not give up. Thanks again Wayne

[Hootbayne]

Thanks for responding Jess1-RO, I very much appreciate it.

All the best Wayne

[JAKGR8]

Hey @Hootbayne

I’ve been experimenting with our modem and via the website I can limit each device differently. I was excited to discover yesterday that I can also limit or block certain sites/addresses. Still working this out. I hope your Internet provider has the same thing. Couldn’t believe how quickly the 16yo came out to voice her concerns. We’re currently in negotiations 🤣😁😬