Lost and alone

[Worriedmun]

My youngest is almost 18. She has had some mental health stuff going on, especially over the past 2 weeks.
Lately she seems to be giving me conflicting messages and participating in behaviours that she knows I don’t like. Her father, who I am not with, is ok with these behaviours.
She expects me to yell and be angry but I’ve tried to do the opposite in the hope of her being more open with me. I feel like she is annoyed with my responses and is pushing me away anyway. She seems to tell her father a different story.
Today he rang and yelled at me because I cried when I was on the phone with my daughter.

[Blake-RO]

Hey @Worriedmun 

Thank you for sharing this with us. We are sorry to hear that you have been feeling lost and alone recently but really glad that you have been able to reach out on the forums for some support.

I know that you mentioned that your daughter has been participating in behaviours that she knows you don’t like and that you have been trying to approach it differently so that she will be more open with you, I was wondering if you have tried to explain this to her and have a conversation with her about this?

It must be really challenging for her to get annoyed and push you away when it sounds like you are just trying your best to be supportive and create a safe and trusting space for her to be open with you.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about your concerns or receive any support from either a family member, friend, GP or mental health professional?

I’m sorry to hear about the incident with your daughters father. I was wondering whether the co-parenting relationship is otherwise supportive?

How are you feeling today? It sounds like you've had a lot going on recently and I was wondering whether you have have you been able to do anything nice for yourself recently, I remember you had an online painting workshop a few weeks ago and was wondering if you have been able to do anything similar to that recently? Remember that your wellbeing and self-care is very important.

Remember that we are all here for you and that you aren't alone. 

[Worriedmun]

Thanks for your reply.

To be absolutely honest - all of this is taking a big toll on me. My anxiety is really bad and I can’t seem to get it under control.
I have times when my daughter will talk to me and I’ve explained that I am trying to be more understanding and accepting of the fact she is making decisions as an almost adult and that I need to respect them even if they are not what I would chose for her. She said she didn’t know what to do with that and it confused her.

I feel like I am grieving for my baby girl and at the same time I am anxious and worried for her safety and mental well-being.

I realise I have to start letting go to protect myself but that is easier said than done.

Nothing feels nice anymore. Everything is such an effort.

She even brought home another puppy that I get stuck cleaning up after all the time. It seems that when I am home at night is when she wants to be out at the gym or at a friends place. She doesn’t even eat dinner with me any more.

It all hurts and the person from the mental health team basically just told me I have to learn to let go.

I don’t matter to anyone any more

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Worriedmun , I'm so sorry to hear that you're doing it tough at the moment. It sounds as though you are trying to be as supportive and compassionate as possible towards your daughter, but that that same understanding is not always reciprocated from her end, which must be a tough thing to experience as a parent. 

I can hear that you're trying to balance your concerns for your daughter and her wellbeing with your own needs and feelings right now. You mentioned that you're trying to let go to protect yourself, but that can be an incredibly difficult thing to do when you're a parent as you're always going to worry in some sense about your kids and how they're doing. What would letting go in a healthy way look like for you?

It sounds like your interaction with the mental health team didn't go quite as you'd hoped - I'm sorry it wasn't more useful. While advice about letting go is lovely in theory, knowing how is a much trickier question. It sounds as though you might benefit from having an opportunity to talk this through with someone face-to-face so that they can give you some tools to cope with looking out for your daughter while also taking care of yourself. Have you given any thought to the idea of seeing a psychologist? If you need help finding one in your local area, you can check out the Australian Psychological Society's Find a Psychologist search engine. Alternatively, Ask Izzy offers some great resources and service suggestions based on the kind of support you think would be most useful for you right now, so feel free to take a look there as well. 

Sending all my best your way @Worriedmun . I'm going to check in with you via email as well, so keep an eye on your inbox 

[Worriedmun]

Thanks for your reply.

I have thought about some counselling for myself. Taking the first step seems to be the hardest part.

I’m not sure that I understand my daughter’s thought processes at the moment though I wish I did.

After the challenges of the past few months in particular, this past week she seems to be calmer than she has been - perhaps because she is currently not on any medication at the moment - the medication may have been causing some of the proper were seeing.

My daughter is very protective of me and this week, both her father and my partner have both had a turn yelling at me over the phone about something. Neither was able to stop and listen to another view point. I don’t think I deserved either phone call.

Unfortunately my daughter took matters into her own hands today and blasted my partner who now says he won’t be visiting at my house any more. My daughter has moved to her friends place for some breathing space (hopefully only a few days). I am in the middle wondering how things went so wrong and how we will ever find an amicable way through this.

My daughter has messaged tonight to apologise for messing up my relationship - which has been struggling lately anyway. I don’t know what will happen from here.

I am having trouble following teenage thought and behaviour patterns and my partner really doesn’t understand at all and just doesn’t want to be yelled at aggressively any more, which I don’t blame him - today was really bad.

Unfortunately the stress of the past few months has got to me and now my lower back is in pain and it gets worse the more stress I try to manage. I am having regular treatments to help ease the discomfort.

My gp told me to complete an online course for anxiety and depression 😳 but combined with current work and study commitment’s that’s the last thing I feel like doing.

How do I find a way through this mess?

[Soph-RO]

Hey @Worriedmun It certainly sounds like things are stressful at the moment. Taking the first steps can be the hardest but it's important to look after yourself too, so you can look after your daughter. Mindspot have some accessible resources, however you did mention not needing more work to do and I can relate to that. Wondering if you have tried parentline for advice? Depending on where you are based, there can also be state specific parent lines. Have you had a read through ReachOut's resources stress and teenagers?

Let us know how you go, All the best