Mollycoddled step kids

[Dazza]

Hello all,my wife and I have been together 6 years,herself and her 2 kids moved in with me 4 years ago,1 son who is now 19/20 and 1 daughter who is 18. From day 1 my step son was entitled, does nothing,can't do anything without involving everyone, plus much more. My step daughter lived with her dad for a while then that turned bad and she ended up living with her teacher, in Tasmania. Well,after a little while her teacher was contacting my wife saying it's time she came home,which was good for my wife. I have 2 sons who have moved out and I'm at the stage where I've done my bit and was looking forward to peace and quiet for the first time in 20 odd years. Now the my step daughter has moved in,things don't feel right. Here's my dilemma.
* Both my step kids do nothing we ask etc
I had a problem with them smoking in the garage so I gave them till Christmas (this was in October) to get off it. My step son gave up,my step daughter took it from the garage to her room,much to my discust. My wife does everything for them,makes excuse after excuse for them,which boils my blood. My step daughter is on anti depressants. My step son is the most entitled person I've met,won't do anything, starting working and after a week he thinks he's the only person to put in a hard day's work. I can't even ask him to do anything anymore because it's always on a condition, which my wife feeds. I love my wife dearly and I'm worried I'll lose her because of her kids. We make the rules for the house,bur as soon as I try to enforce it she will go against me,saying she didn't really agree in the first place,just telling me what I want to hear. I will ask nicely first time,then ask again nicely, then after 4-5 times and I'm still ignored I wig out,and then it's me against them because my wife backs them regardless of the issue,them I cop " oh,you have to speak nicely to them" ,she ignores the 10 times I did ask nicely. She can't see anything her kids do as a problem,my step daughter is 18 but talks and acts like a 12yo,because that's how my wife talks to her. We are in the process of selling up and my wife suggests we rent a 5br house, so they can take over when we find somewhere to buy,but I have absolutely no intention of doing that just to make it easy for her kids. She can't see how she has always mollycoddled them,made excuses for their bad behaviour, even a simple form they have to get her to tell them what to write,she won't let them grow up. I want them gone so I can live a happy simple life before they take my wife away. From and disgruntled step dad

[Iona-RO]

Hi @Dazza 

Thanks for sharing your story with the community and for reaching out for support. It sounds like you're feeling very frustrated with the current situation with your stepchildren and not receiving the support you would like from your wife. 

We have this article that gives some insights into making rules within a blended family that might be helpful. Have you been able to talk to your wife about how all this is making you feel? Relationships Australia might be a good place to start having a conversation around your relationship, and getting some support so both you and your wife feel more respected and understood in the relationship.

Also just letting you know we edited your post slightly to keep it within our guidelines.

[maxnally]

Am 28 and my mom still tries to control my life. She never let me to decide anything. Even if I decide anything she would talk about it until I feel that my decision is wrong.

She often says that she has sacrificed a lot and moreover she ruined her relationship with my dad to bring me up in a different way.

Most of the Indian parents can never ever accept that their kids are grown up.

They always consider their kids are new born and they do almost everything to make them feel comfortable.

But they fail to realize that after certain age this seems like suffocation for their kids.

They always feel that they should give best to the child and fail to realize that their kid is capable of deciding what is best for themselves.

[Sophia-RO]

Hey @maxnally  sounds like you're quite frustrated at the fact that your independence is not accepted by your mother and that she is a very concerned parent. While you may not be able to change her behaviour, have you been able to try setting some healthy boundaries? Boundaries can include saying things like "I can hear that you're concerned mum and I appreciate how much you have sacrificed and don't want to see that go to waste. However I am an adult now and need your support more right now." Sometimes parents cannot let go as their identity is tied up with parenting and allowing you to embrace your adulthood and independence may make her feel that you no longer need her. So if you try to reiterate that you very much need her support while making your own decision, that may be better received as she still has a part to play. Hope this helps in some way.